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Leaving No Room For Interpretation

, , , , | Right | August 26, 2020

I work in a hotel for the night shift. Tonight is a very full and busy night. At 2:00 am — sometimes later — we do our night audit process. This cycles the systems to the next day. Around 3:00 am, I get a call from a potential guest asking if we have any rooms available, and I tell him that, unfortunately, we do not. He hangs up. Fifteen minutes later, a man walks into the hotel.

Guest: “Hi, do you have any rooms?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We are completely booked for tonight. I can recommend a few other hotels if you’d like.”

Guest: “Well, I was just on Expedia and it said you did have rooms, so you lied to me on the phone and just now.”

Me: “No, sir, I actually just finished our night audit process, so any room availability would be for this upcoming night, but not right now.”

Guest: “Well, what if I made a reservation and just checked in now? Technically ,its [date].”

Me: “I literally have no rooms to put you in right this second; otherwise, I would. If you make a reservation, you are making one for tonight and they will not have a room available for you until 3:00 pm, which is our check-in time.”

Guest: “But the website says you have availability!”

Me: “Yes, we do for tonight, but not right now. I know the hotel down the street from us has some vacancy; you can try them.”

The man huffs around in the lobby for a bit, muttering about me being a liar and not wanting to sell him a room. About twenty minutes later, a businessman checks out of his room, and before the man has handed me his keys, the other guy gets up.

Guest: “Well, can I just take his room?” 

Me: “I can’t do that, sorry.”

Guest: “Why not? He looks clean; I’m sure it’ll be fine. I just need a place to sleep for a few hours.”

Me: “Then I suggest you try the hotel across the street or further along in the city.”

Guest: “Well, why don’t you do a quick housekeeping sweep? It’ll take like ten minutes, right?”

I am absolutely done.

Me: “No. Housekeeping is not a quick ten-minute thing. I cannot leave the front desk unattended to clean a room for you. And I’m telling you, I don’t have a clean, vacant room to sell you. The hotel across the street does, and even more hotels about five miles down the highway have vacancies; you can try them. I’m not putting you in this gentleman’s room. And if you don’t leave, I’m going to call the police.”

With that, he finally grumbled to himself, left the lobby, and hopped into his truck before leaving.

Gumming Up The Works With Gum

, , , , | Working | August 11, 2020

My husband and I have just finished picking out shoes to buy. We get in line at the checkout. A cashier with no line calls to us.

Cashier: *Waves* “Hey! I can take you over here!”

We walk to the cashier and put our shoeboxes on the counter.

Cashier: “Did you find everything okay?”

The cashier opens our shoeboxes to make sure everything is there, and a father and preteen son enter the store and walk the wrong way through our checkout line. The son spots a container of gum on the counter.

Son: “Dad! They have gum!”

Father: “How much is it?”

Son: “Fifteen cents.”

Failing to see that the cashier is already in the middle of a transaction, the father takes a piece of gum out of the container, tosses a quarter onto the counter, and walks away without waiting for change. The son also fishes a piece out of the container.

Son: “Is this good?”

Cashier: “Actually, it’s pretty bad…”

The son hands over a quarter.

Cashier: “Wait, I need to give you and your dad change.”

Son: “That’s okay!”

The son walks away.

Cashier: *To us* “Sorry about that.” *Continues to ring us up* “They have no idea what a pain it is to pay for something with a quarter and not wait for change.”

Husband: “Oh? You can’t keep it as a tip?”

Cashier: “It has to go into a pool, with a note explaining why I didn’t give exact change.”

Husband: “Wow. That really isn’t worth it.”

A Harmless Necessary Cat

, , , | Right | August 5, 2020

I am performing in a free outdoor production of Shakespeare. The performance space is on someone’s property. The director is greeting the audience as they arrive. A woman approaches holding an animal carrier.

Director: “Hi! Welcome to the show!”

Woman: “Thanks. I’m a neighbor and I just had to see the show.”

Director: “What’s in the carrier?”

Woman: “My cat! Want to see?”

Director: “Aw, sure!”

The woman takes the cat out of the carrier. It is a Maine coon, easily over twenty-five pounds.

Woman: “He’s very curious. He’ll probably wander out on the stage!”

The director laughs, thinking the woman is joking. She is not. The cat wanders onstage during the show, sticking its but in the faces of actors who are crouching on the ground and generally interfering with the show. At some point, the cat decides I’m his “favorite,” and he comes up to me and meows plaintively when I won’t pet him. I have to duck behind a tree to hide my laughter. At intermission, I send the director a text message.

My Text: “Tell woman to take cat home! It’s getting dark and he could get hurt in battle scene!”

The director told the woman to take the cat home.

They Only Want 2% Of The 2%

, , , | Right | July 20, 2020

I work in a hotel as a breakfast attendant. One morning, I’m walking around the lobby area, checking for what needs to be restocked and anything that requires my immediate attention. A man gets my attention.

Customer: “Excuse me, where’s the milk?”

I point to the drink area, we have orange, cranberry, and apple juice in a machine that deposits it when you push a button, and a refrigerator that holds bottles of milk, yogurt, and fruit.

Me: “In the refrigerator, sir.”

He thanks me, goes to the juice machine and pushes a button. Getting orange juice, confused, he turns to me.

Customer: “This isn’t milk.” 

Me: “No, sir, it’s not; it’s in the fridge.”

I pull open the door to the fridge for him and he grabs a bottle of milk, dumps half of it in his bowl of cereal, takes a gulp, and then puts the half-empty bottle back in the fridge. Please note that these are single-serving bottles of milk. 

Me: *Politely* “Oh, sir, did you not want the rest of your milk? You can take it with you in case you need more.”

Customer: *Shaking his head* “No, that’s all I need, thanks.”

He just walked off. I shook my head, grabbed the half-empty bottle, and took it to the back to be thrown away.

20,000 Reasons To Say No

, , , , | Right | July 9, 2020

I am working a Saturday overnight — until 5:00 am — shift at a convenience store. Two guys come in around 2:45 and start looking through the beer cooler. Iowa stops sales of all alcohol at 2:00 am. I tell them that it is too late to buy alcohol, but one of them brings a 12-pack up to the counter anyway.

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t sell that to you. The cutoff time is 2:00.”

Customer: “Aw, c’mon. Just this once.”

Me: “Sorry. No can do. The registers are programmed to not allow the sales.”

Customer: “Can’t I just leave you the money, and you ring it up when the register will let you?”

Me: “Nope. My shift ends before that. Besides—”

I point at the various security cameras in the store.

Me: “It would be too hard to hide.”

I’m still being polite, despite starting to get frustrated by his refusal to take no for an answer.

Customer: “How much would it take for you to let me walk out of here with this beer?”

Now, my patience is exhausted, but I’m still trying to keep my temper.

Me: “$20,000.”

The customer’s mouth hangs open in shock.

Me: “You’re going to pay my fine, the store’s fine, and the store’s lost sales for their liquor license being suspended.”

He then left with no further argument.