Close Encounters Of The Dumb Kind

, , , | Right | February 27, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support.”

Customer: “Um… I don’t think you’re going to believe this….”

Me: “What seems to be the issue today?”

Customer: “I think my computer was abducted!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I went to bed last night and my computer was on my dining room table. I woke up this morning late for work and rushed out the door. As I backed out of the driveway, I heard a crunch, and I figured it was a trash can or something.”

Me: “…Okay. And what does this have to do with your computer, sir?”

Customer: “Well, when I checked it out it was my computer under the back tire. But I swear that it was still inside the house when I went to bed last night!”

Me: “Okay, sir, unfortunately, your warranty does not cover extraterrestrial damage, so any repairs to the computer will have to be paid with a credit card.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want it fixed! I just wanted to let you know that your computers attract aliens. My insurance company already replaced it. I’m just waiting for it to arrive now.” *click*

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Like A Dog Chasing Its Own Tail

, , , | Right | February 6, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]; [My Name] speaking. How may I…”

Client: *thick accent* “Yes, hello? Are you there?”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “I just tried purchase insurance.”

Me: “Okay?”

Caller: “It said error.”

Me: “Okay, what else does it say?”

Caller: “Just error.”

Me: “Well, that can be anything. Normally it says more specific details. Is there anything else it says?”

Caller: “I think it has something to do with the beneficiary part.”

Me: “You mean for the life insurance portion?”

Caller: “Yes. I put myself as the beneficiary for my policy. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to put?”

Me: “So, you put yourself as the person who receives the money if you die?”

Caller: “Yes. Isn’t that right?”

Me: *facepalm*

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No Wonder We’re In A Financial Meltdown

, , , | Right | October 28, 2008

(I sell insurance. Sometimes, bank managers will ring up with customers who are in the bank. In this case, the bank lady was doing all the talking because the woman was partly deaf.)

Me: “Good morning, [Insurance Company]; how can I help you?”

Bank Manager: “I’m with a lady who’d like a quote, please.”

Me: “Yup, no problem. Could I speak to her briefly?”

(I talk to the customer and get her permission for the bank manager to do the quote with her details.)

Me: “Okay, can I take her surname, please?”

Bank Manager: “My surname or hers?”

Me: “Hers, please…” *she gives it* “… and her date of birth?”

Bank Manager: “Mine, or hers?”

Me: “Hers…” *she gives it* “Okay, and her postcode.”

Bank Manager: “Why do you want my postcode?”

Me: “I don’t. I want her postcode. It’s her policy, so I need her details.”

(You get the general idea. This continued, right up until the very end of the insurance quote.)

Me: “So, the price for the year is [total].”

Bank Manager: “I’d have to pay that?!”

Me: “…”

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Darwin Called, He Wants His Prehensile Thumb Back

, , , | Right | August 16, 2008

Me: “Thank you for holding. I hear you need some help getting your car opened?”

Caller: “Yeah, my battery went dead and so I can’t get my doors open!”

Me: “Did you lock your keys in your car?”

Caller: “No, it’s just that I have electronic locks, and the battery is dead so I can’t get the doors open!”

Me: “Um, did you try to open the door manually?”

Caller: “How do I do that? ”

Me: “You stick your key into the door lock on the outside of the door. Turn it and it should unlock.”

Caller: “OH! YOU CAN DO THAT?!”

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Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

, , , | Right | August 7, 2008

Caller: “I have an explanation of insurance benefits I need help with. There’s a charge on here you didn’t pay for.”

Me: “It states here the billed amount is $0.00.”

Caller: “Yes. Why didn’t you pay anything on it?”

Me: “Well, there was no charge.”

Caller: “But you’re my insurance! You are supposed to pay.”

Me: “Ma’am, the doctor did not charge for this service. There was no amount billed.”

Caller: “So I have to pay the doctor?”

Me: “No, ma’am… he charged zero dollars. It was free.”

Caller: “I don’t see why I pay for insurance if you’re not going to pay.”

Me: “We gave the doctor what he asked for.”

Caller: “So you’re going to pay him?”

Me: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We’ll take care of this, and make sure you’re not charged.”

Caller: “Ha! I told my husband if I called and argued with you, you’d cave!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We do want to make you happy. Have a good day, now…”

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