No Ifs, Ends, Or Butts

, | Right | October 20, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to know if my insurance covers a butt indent.”

Me: “I’m sorry…could you say that again?”

Customer: “I need to know if my car insurance covers a butt indent. There’s one on the hood of my car. What is that covered under and how much is my deductible?”

Me: “Um…do you know how it got there?”

Customer: “No. It looks like a small butt, though.”

Me: “Well, I can’t tell you what it would be covered under until I know how it got there. Do you know if it was the result of a collision or not?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You have two different deductibles for your comprehensive coverage and your collision coverage. Do you know how the…butt ended up there? ”

Customer: “No, but it’s a small butt on the hood of my car!”

Me: “Well, your comprehensive deductible is $250 and your collision is $500. Would you like me to submit a claim and let the claim adjuster handle it from here?”

Customer: “Oh no! I don’t want to make a claim. I was just wondering if it would be covered if I wanted to file one. Thanks!” *hangs up*

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When Age Equals I.Q.

, , , | Right | October 19, 2009

(Our car insurance policies include an extension that lets customers drive other vehicles with minimum-level cover, but it’s only available to customers over 25.)

Me: “Good morning, how can I help?”

Customer: “Hi, I’ve got a policy with you. Will it let me drive other cars?”

Me: “It might. Could I ask your age, please?”

Customer: “I’m 23.”

Me: “I’m afraid not. You have to be 25 years old or over before we give you that extension.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. How do I get that, then?”

Me: “…you have to turn 25.”

Customer: “Oh! When will that be?”

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Bananas About The Boob Tube

, , , | Right | October 15, 2009

(I work in the home insurance department for a large insurer. We offer standard Buildings and Contents with an optional add-on of Home Emergency. This is for burst pipes, boilers going down, etc.)

Me: “Good afternoon, you’re through to [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve just bought a new TV. Is it covered under my Contents insurance?”

Me: “Yes, it will be covered under Contents.”

Customer: “And is it covered under Home Emergency?”

Me: “Sorry, how do you mean?”

Customer: *sighs* “I MEAN, how long will it take for you to get a replacement television out to me if this one stops working?”

Me: “Um… unfortunately your television is not covered under Home Emergency.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “We don’t class a broken television as an emergency.”

Customer: “Well, I do, and I know I’m right! What do I do if my television breaks and I can’t watch my programmes? GOD D*** PHONE MONKEYS!” *hangs up*

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Defrauding A Village In Order To Save It

, , , , | Right | October 9, 2009

(A customer calls in wanting to cancel her son’s car insurance. After going back and forth for twenty minutes, she asks to speak to me, the manager.)

Me: “Thank you for holding, Mrs. [Caller].”

Caller: “I want to cancel my son’s car insurance. Why won’t you let me?”

Me: “Because the insurance is a legally binding contract between us and your son, and only he has the legal authority to cancel the contract.”

Caller: “But he’s been in London for months and won’t be back until next year. The car’s just sitting there!”

Me: “Well, we would need your son to cancel or authorise you to act on his behalf. He can call us on [number], or he could send us a fax with the details.”

Caller: “Don’t be ridiculous; he can’t call from England! I’m his mother! I should be able to do it for him.”

(We go round and round in circles for another fifteen minutes, then…)

Caller: “I’m going to sue you for sexual discrimination!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Caller: “I’m going to sue you AND your company for sexual discrimination.”

Me: “Um, on what grounds?”

Caller: “Because if I had gotten my husband to ring you, he could have pretended to be our son and you wouldn’t have known it wasn’t him. I’m a woman and can’t impersonate my son, and that’s sexual discrimination!”

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It Was All Just A Blur

, , , | Legal Right | October 8, 2009

Me: “All right, ma’am, have had any accidents or violations in the last three years?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, do you remember getting pulled over for any reason?”

Customer: “I already told you, I don’t know. Now, how much is the insurance?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but before I could know what the rate is, I have to know what your driving history is.”

Customer: “What does it matter? Just throw on a speeding ticket or two and call it a day!”

Me: “Okay. I can do that, but just keep in mind that the quote is only based on the information you provide. If your motor vehicle record comes back different, that could drastically affect the rate.”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it?”

Me: “It comes out to $106 a month.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll take it.”

(I then go to run the reports since she is ready to purchase the policy and find out she has had two DUIs in the past three years, two speeding tickets, one accident, and a suspended license.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the rate is now $486 a month. I would have been able to give you a more accurate quote if I knew about the DUIs.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I thought you just meant speeding tickets. I didn’t realize that DUIs counted. I mean, I wasn’t even speeding when I got them!”

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