Booze Is Blamed When There Is No Proof

, , , | Right | February 15, 2010

Caller: “Why has my insurance been canceled?”

Me: “Well, it looks like you have made six car claims in the last four months.”

Caller: “Yeah, I had some accidents.”

Me: “That is why we can no longer insure you. It’s written in our policy statements.”

Caller: “Bull! None of those accidents were my fault!”

Me: “It says here that you drove the vehicle into a tree twice, and the oth–”

Caller: “Like I said, it wasn’t MY fault! It was the alcohol’s fault!”

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When Customers Have You At A Loss

, , , , , | Right | January 22, 2010

Customer: “What do I need to get a warranty for my Xbox?”

Me: “Depends; did you buy it new or used?”

Customer: “Used.”

Me: “Okay, you still have the receipt?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, if it’s been less then two weeks you can bring the receipt down here and we can sell you a warranty that’ll extend the manufacturer warranty for another two years.”

Customer: “So, if I bring my Xbox over tomorrow and buy a warranty you can replace it for me right then?”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Customer: “My Xbox broke about a week ago and I wanted to know if I could get a warranty tomorrow and you guys give me a new one.”

Me: “How long ago did you buy this?”

Customer: “Two years ago.”

Me: “No, you can’t do that.”

Customer: “What?! Why not? You just said I could!”

Me: “Sir, that’s like buying a car, driving it through the wall of an insurance company, and then climbing out and asking for full coverage. It’s just not going to happen. It’s bad business.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you, then!”

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Location Is Clearly Not Your Vocation

, , , | Right | December 2, 2009

Me: “Policyholder service. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to change the beneficiary on my policy.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Do you have your policy number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “That’s fine. “What is your name?”

(The customer gives me her name, but it’s common and we have several dozen policyholders with the same name. I need more information to find her policy.)

Me: “Okay. What state do you live in?”

Customer: “Springfield.”

(Unfortunately, we cannot sort or search by city names, only by states. I do a quick look and see more than one Springfield in different states.)

Me: “What state is that in?”

Customer: “Springfield.”

Me: “Springfield is the city that you’re in. What is the name of the state that you’re in?”

Customer: *slowly* “Spring. Field.”

Me: “That’s the city you’re in… What is the state?”

Customer: *annoyed* “The UNITED States!”

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No Ifs, Ends, Or Butts

, | Right | October 20, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to know if my insurance covers a butt indent.”

Me: “I’m sorry…could you say that again?”

Customer: “I need to know if my car insurance covers a butt indent. There’s one on the hood of my car. What is that covered under and how much is my deductible?”

Me: “Um…do you know how it got there?”

Customer: “No. It looks like a small butt, though.”

Me: “Well, I can’t tell you what it would be covered under until I know how it got there. Do you know if it was the result of a collision or not?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You have two different deductibles for your comprehensive coverage and your collision coverage. Do you know how the…butt ended up there? ”

Customer: “No, but it’s a small butt on the hood of my car!”

Me: “Well, your comprehensive deductible is $250 and your collision is $500. Would you like me to submit a claim and let the claim adjuster handle it from here?”

Customer: “Oh no! I don’t want to make a claim. I was just wondering if it would be covered if I wanted to file one. Thanks!” *hangs up*

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When Age Equals I.Q.

, , , | Right | October 19, 2009

(Our car insurance policies include an extension that lets customers drive other vehicles with minimum-level cover, but it’s only available to customers over 25.)

Me: “Good morning, how can I help?”

Customer: “Hi, I’ve got a policy with you. Will it let me drive other cars?”

Me: “It might. Could I ask your age, please?”

Customer: “I’m 23.”

Me: “I’m afraid not. You have to be 25 years old or over before we give you that extension.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. How do I get that, then?”

Me: “…you have to turn 25.”

Customer: “Oh! When will that be?”

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