Car Parked, Brain In Neutral

, , , | Right | January 1, 2010

Customer: “Hi, um, my car was stolen.”

Me: “Well, okay, let’s go out and see where you’re parked.”

(We walk into the parking lot.)

Me: “Okay, where did you park?”

Customer: “Right there, where the Prius is parked! God d*** tree-hugging Democrat piece of s***!”

Me: “Okay, well, let’s go inside and call the police.”

(While we wait for the police to come she makes some phone calls and then comes back into the office.)

Customer: “Sorry, never mind. Turns out I drove the Prius today and not the Honda.”

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Inn-Experienced

, , , | Right | December 1, 2009

Me: “Hello, [Hotel]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need to cancel my reservation for tonight.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we require 24-hour notice for all cancellations.”

Customer: “Well it’s an emergency! My daughter got sick and we had to stay home!”

(I glance down at the caller ID and see that this phone call is coming from a competing hotel across town.)

Me: “Okay, sir. I’ll cancel it for you due to this emergency situation.”

(Ten minutes pass, and I call the other hotel and ask to be connected to the guy’s room.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, sir, this is [My Name] from [Hotel]. I just wanted to call you back with your cancellation number and to wish your daughter a speedy recovery.”

Customer: *stammering* “How did you get this number? Are you following me?!”

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Going Bananas

, , , , | Right | October 29, 2008

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what you can do for my dog. He’s really aggressive and tries to bite me and everyone. Do you train dogs here or something?”

Me: “No, sir, but I can refer you to a trainer.”

Customer: “I don’t have time for that! I need advice now. What do you think I should do?”

Me: “Well, sir, is he a show dog?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you going to use him for breeding?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I would suggest that you have him neutered as a first step; it will help calm him down. Also, enroll him in an obedience class. That will–”

Customer: “Neuter him? You mean cut his balls off!?”

Me: “Well…”

Customer: “G**d***it, that’s so typical! All you feminist Nazis all just wanna cut off all us men’s balls!”

(Just then, the main veterinarian comes out from the back to see what the yelling is about.)

Veterinarian: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I’ll tell you what! That girl there suggested I get his balls whacked off!”

Veterinarian: “Now, [My Name], I’ve told you before we don’t treat exotic animals here, haven’t I?”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Veterinarian: “Well, let’s not have this happen again…” *turns back to the customer* “I am sorry, sir. We normally do not treat large apes, but since my person here already told you we do, I’ll honor it. When would you like to make the appointment?”

Customer: *storms out*

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Of All The Lies To Tell

, , , , | Right | August 6, 2008

Snooty Customer: “I want a milkshake, but I want it made THICK. Last time I had a shake here, it was like drinking ice cream flavored water!”

Me: “I can assure you that I can make you a very thick milkshake, ma’am. What flavor would you like?”

Snooty Customer: “A milkshake! I want a milkshake!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What FLAVOR of milkshake would you like?”

Snooty Customer: “I told you I wanted an extra chocolaty chocolate one!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. One extra chocolaty chocolate milkshake, thick.”

(I fill the milkshake cup with chocolate ice cream and use hot fudge sauce instead of chocolate syrup. I add maybe a tablespoon of milk. I get it mixed up and ring her up, and she leaves. A few minutes later she returns, cuts in front of about 10 people waiting in line and slams her milkshake on the counter.)

Snooty Customer: “I want to talk to a manager! I want to know why no one here can do their d*** job!”

Manager: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Snooty Customer: “I told that girl there I wanted a normal chocolate milkshake, and this is so thick I can’t get it through the straw! I just gave myself a headache trying to drink this thing! I demand double my money back, a free milkshake, and some ibuprofen!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I was standing right behind her when you placed your order. She made you what you asked for. An extra chocolaty shake that was thick. I am not returning your money or giving you a new milkshake.”

Snooty Customer: “But, my husband is Dr. [Name] and I always get what I want!”

(Suddenly, another customer who has been standing in line and watching the whole thing speaks up.)

Another Customer: “Excuse me, b****, but Dr. [Name] is my BROTHER and you sure as h*** aren’t his wife, you d*** liar!”

Snooty Customer: *leaves in a huff*

(My manager gave the other customer her entire order on the house. She deserved it, whether it was true or not.)

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Full Of Sound And Fury, Signifying Nothing

, , | Right | July 2, 2008

(It is in between Halloween and Christmas and we are changing the promotional aisle and switching stuff out. There is literally nothing in the aisle but folded down cardboard boxes, and signs are up saying “temporary out of order.”)

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Okay, is everything all right?”

Customer: “No! I was walking down the aisle with cardboard and I fell. I am blaming you!”

Me: “I didn’t make you walk down the aisle… Didn’t you see the sign?”

Customer: “I needed something down that aisle! I am going to have you fired for your rude attitude!”

(I call the manager on the PA system.)

Customer: “You’re going to be in trouble!”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I fell down in the aisle with cardboard boxes. It’s all this kid’s fault.”

Manager: “You shouldn’t have walked down the aisle, then. I suggest you leave before I call the police for harassing one of my employees.”

Customer: *faking she’s in pain* “I don’t believe this! I am going to call the corporate office!”

Manager: “Right after I call the police.” *walks away to “call the police”*

Me: “You got him mad. He is a mean one when he is mad.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “Oh, yeah!”

Customer: ‘Um… I have to get my cell phone out of the car.” *leaves quickly*

(She never returned.)

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