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Impatience Usually Produces Results Counter To What You Want

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: volcanodancer | October 11, 2021

I’m an electromechanical engineer. I was called out to deal with a set of faulty automatic gates. They had gotten stuck in the open position, and it was compromising the security of the building. My job was to find out what had caused them to stick open, fix it, and get them working again.

This particular manufacture of gates uses an encoder to tell the control panel where the gates are in their swing, and it turned out that kids had been riding them and had caused this to go out of calibration.

Recalibration was a simple two-minute job; I put a couple of traffic cones on each side of the gates and set the calibration going. During this process, the gates open fully and then close fully twice at about half the usual speed.

Enter [Woman]. She had parked her white Audi in the secure compound whilst the gates were open, and even though she was only allowed in there to load and unload into her shop, she regularly parked all day in a visitor’s space — totally against the terms of her lease.

I set the calibration going and the gates did their first swing totally open. At that point, [Woman] came out to her car and started her engine.

The gates started to close again, and [Woman] pulled out of her space like a nutjob and accelerated toward the gates, stopping just before the cones but revving her engine like she wasn’t pleased.

Seeing them closing, she pressed her fob button to get them to open, but of course, they were calibrating so they were totally ignoring all instructions from the fobs.

The gates closed fully. The lock mechanism engaged, and they started to do their second swing, at which point she started to roll forward, revving all the time. Just as she touched the cone with her car, she pushed it back and broke the infra-red safety beam, thus aborting the entire procedure and making the gates lock in a slightly open state.

She sounded her horn.

Woman: “Let me out!”

Me: “You caused the processor to fault. Those gates aren’t opening any time soon; it will be at least five minutes before I can restart the procedure as I have to power them totally down.”

I didn’t, but she didn’t know that. She proceeded to start shouting and getting angry, so I just said:

Me: “Sod you. I’m parked outside.”

I locked the control box, walked to my van with my tools in my pocket, and started driving away.

About two minutes later I got a call from the landlord of the building, pleading with me to go back and saying that [Woman] was really, really sorry.

I gave in. I went back and started the calibration again — but this time, I deliberately turned the speed on both motors to the lowest setting, so it took about ten minutes in total.

The woman never did apologise, and she still sped out like an idiot as soon as I moved the cones, but it gave me great pleasure knowing that my malice made her almost half an hour late.

A Scammer Gets Spammed

, , , , , | Legal | October 10, 2021

Back when everything first went into lockdown here in the States, my parents’ and my shared Netflix account got hacked. We caught it pretty quickly because not only were all of our profiles deleted but the entire account had been switched to Spanish.

For some reason, however, while both of my parents were kicked off the account and couldn’t get back in, I was not. I managed to not only navigate to the settings page to turn it back to English, but I also managed to copy the new email address that had been put onto the account. 

While my parents got in touch with customer service to get the account back, I hatched a plan. I used their email to sign them up for every political, government, and military-based newsletter I was able to track down over the course of about an hour. 

Was this incredibly petty? Absolutely. Is it possible that it was just a throwaway email? Absolutely. But it was so cathartic and it made my incredibly stressed-out mother laugh when I told her, so I’ll consider it a win.

Be Glad You’re Not The PRINCIPAL’S Kid

, , , , , , , | Learning | October 10, 2021

I’m substitute teaching at a high school. As most high schoolers do, they are testing me. While it is annoying, it’s nothing I can’t handle. I know the staff and routine well so I know what to do and who to call if things get out of control. The class I’m working in for the day is a bit rowdy and led by one student in particular who just happens to be the secretary’s daughter. Instead of sending her to the disciplinary room and having that on her record, I decide to call her mother.

Me: “Hi. [Student] is giving me a rough time in class. I don’t want to send her to [room] unless I absolutely have to. Would you mind if I send her down to you?”

I can hear the smile in the mother’s voice.

Mother: “No need. I’ll handle it. Just give me one minute.”

Me: “Okay?”

She hangs up. I hear the entire schoolwide intercom system click on. The entire school hears the secretary’s voice. 

Mother: “[Student’s First, Middle, And Last Name]! Get it together or you’re grounded!”

The girl’s face goes white and her friends burst into laughter. 

My phone rings. 

Me: “Hello?”

Mother: “Just let me know if she gives you any more trouble.”

Me: “Absolutely.”

The student didn’t give me any more trouble!

Save The Stunts For The Movie You’re About To See

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2021

I’ve just finished printing off pre-sale tickets for a customer and gesture the next customer up to the box office. He immediately gives me attitude.

Customer: “It’s ridiculous that I had to wait so long to get helped! I’ve been in line for at least fifteen minutes! I should get a discount or something!”

Me: “Sir, we opened less than five minutes ago and you’re only the third customer I’ve helped so far today.”

Customer: *Sheepish* “Oh.”

The rest of the transaction proceeded smoothly. I love the look on people’s faces when they try to pull a stunt like that and are immediately proven to have lied.

People Like This Shouldn’t Be Allowed Out In Public

, , , , , | Friendly | October 7, 2021

I was with my friend, who is black. We boarded a bus and randomly picked a pair of empty seats. A guy who was seated across and about two seats down from us pulled down his mask and snapped:

Guy: “We already have [health crisis]; we don’t need your AIDS and ebola along with it, monkey boy!”

And he moved all the way to the back of the bus.

I tried to comfort my friend and told him not to let idiots like that get the best of him. It was still clear he was very agitated and needed to cool off.

We got off at a station and moments later came across the guy walking ahead of us. My friend made a point to roughly bump into him and continue walking. I quietly advised him that this guy was accomplishing exactly what he intended in the first place, and I led him over to a bench so he could regain himself.

About a minute later, this guy came stalking up to us, ripping off his mask, and looking ready to eat melted steel. My friend immediately stood up.

My friend isn’t necessarily that large — six feet tall and about 200-something-odd pounds — but there is something about his eyes when he’s pissed that makes you stop and has effectively backed off people much larger than himself. It’s the definition of “death glare,” and the fact that he was wearing a bandana as a mask at the time only boosted it.

This guy stopped in his tracks, stared at my friend, and slowly backed away, walking away several yards. He then spent a solid five minutes pacing around in a circle, taking deep breaths, swaying his head from side to side.

He turned and then began approaching us again with a “Let’s get some!” look on his face. My friend stood back up again, and again this guy froze up, slightly opened his mouth, and visually tried to move forward, but he couldn’t. He retreated again for another silent self-pep talk.

The same scenario repeated again, and as he retreated again, I yelled after him:

Me: “Look, face it. You’re a coward, like the rest of them. You wouldn’t take him on even if he were in a wheelchair! Just go away!”

He just flipped us off with both hands and walked away, and we laughed hysterically.