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Pardon Your French

, , , , , , , | Friendly | May 10, 2022

Most French people assume that most English don’t speak any French… which is true to a fair extent.

My father and I went into a pub in England. In there were two Frenchmen, chatting away. As well, there was a young woman serving at the bar, plus another two men at another table — seven people in all. The two Frenchmen were well-heeled, yuppyish, I guess up-and-coming managers in finance or consultancy. Actually, it was unusual to see French people in this pub; although it was a popular tourist town, this wasn’t London, and it was in an obscure part of town that many locals didn’t really know. So French people would not reasonably expect to encounter other French speakers.

I’m afraid to say I took a dislike to them — not because they were French but because they were obnoxious. As well as looking and sounding like they’d been drinking for a few hours, they would also make occasional disparaging remarks about the décor (okay, it could’ve been better), “les Anglais”, my father’s hat, etc., all while looking down their noses at us and the two men on the other table.

Although my father and I both speak some French, we just ignored them, getting on with our own chat and beer. The barperson came round the pub to pick up empties, etc. Then, she stood on the bar footrail, leaning over to reach something behind the bar. 

One of the Frenchmen, watching her bend over, exclaimed in French something very crude.

The barperson froze. My father and I froze, too, staring at the two Frenchmen. Also, the other two people stopped talking and stared. The barperson righted herself and walked back behind the bar.

The [Barperson] said something under her breath, clearly in French, maybe street French, but I didn’t quite understand.

The Frenchmen clearly understood, and I’m sure they noticed the atmosphere had changed, but they pretended not to notice and continued with their beers.

One of the men at the other table spoke up in fluent French, “So, which part of Paris are you from?”

The man’s partner, asked, also in French, “Le [Redacted]ième?” (A rough part of Paris.)

This seemed to catch the Frenchmen unawares. One of them started to reply in English, then switched to French, and he seemed about to say where they were from, but he stopped. Then, they quickly finished their pints and slid out.

So, all seven people in this obscure English pub could speak French.

Have Fun Juggling Your Shopping

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: greeniepi | May 9, 2022

I used to work at a supermarket, and at 9:00 am on a Saturday, the following went down.

Me: “Good morning! Would you like a bag?”

Customer: *Sarcastically* “No, I’m going to carry all of these by themselves.”

It may have been the underpay, the rude tone, or the fact that I was just so tired of customers being nasty, but I decided to go along with it.

Me: *Beaming* “Okay, sir, no problem!”

I then proceeded to scan all of his shopping and charge him. The man paid and stood there, blankly staring at his groceries for a moment, before looking at me.

Customer: “Where are my bags?”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, sir! I thought you said you were going to carry them?”

Customer: *Angrily* “Well, OBVIOUSLY, I can’t carry all of this without a bag!”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, in that case…”

I then proceeded to go through the usual “single-use or reusable bag” spiel, and then, wouldn’t you know it? We were out of the bags he wanted, so I had to call a manager over to bring some more bags to me, which always took ages in this supermarket.

The customer then had to dig out his wallet and card to pay a tiny amount for some bags. Then, I handed them to him with a smile and receipt and watched while he bagged his own groceries, scowling the whole time.

Normally, I would scan and bag, but as he didn’t want bags to start with, I didn’t offer and he didn’t ask.

All in all, a five-minute transaction took a good fifteen minutes, and he never pulled that with me again. I have no idea what he thought would happen while he watched me scan everything and pile it up in a very obviously non-bagged heap, but hey, he said no bags!

Accidentally Giving Her An Earful

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: functi0nalPsych0path | May 7, 2022

I’m listening to the “Dune” series again on Audible to prepare for the movie coming out. I’m at a western wear store getting my winter hat reformed and cleaned. While they are doing that, I’m looking around, as one does. I have my earphones in.

I have a prosthetic ear on my right side that is held on by magnets. When I have earphones in, I still put them in both ears to make things look even, and it takes up some of the weight that would just be hanging off my left side if I didn’t — not that the weight is heavy, just annoying.

I’m kneeled over, looking at some boots, and my earphones are yanked off by a woman who starts barking at me. I’m pissed because she’s holding on to my earphones in her hand, and I can see that my ear is still attached to them.

I’m pissed, but the image of a woman barking while my ear is swinging from my earbud is enough to get me laughing.

She stops.

Woman: “What’s so darn funny?!”

Me: *Pointing* “Can I have my ear back?”

She looked down, screamed, dropped everything, and ran away. I went back to shopping and eventually got my hat taken care of.

I hope she dreams about my ear every night.

She’s Full Of More Hot Air Than The Air Mattress

, , , , | Right | May 6, 2022

I’m the assistant manager at a big store. My store has a policy that air mattresses can only be returned if they are unopened and accompanied by the receipt. This is clearly outlined on the shelf beside the product and on the receipt.

While I am standing behind the returns desk covering a bathroom break, a girl of maybe nineteen or twenty wearing a shirt for our local college comes up with a twin-size air mattress. It almost fit back in the box, but I can see it has been opened and resealed with packing tape.

Customer: “I’ll take a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry, our policy states—”

Customer: “Look. I don’t care what the policy says. I’m not leaving until I get a refund.”

We stare at each other for a few seconds.

Customer: “I have all day.”

Me: *Smiling* “Okay. Could you step to the side?”

I pick up the box and move it to the other side of the register.

Customer: “Finally, you f****** idiot.”

Me: “I can help the next customer.”

Customer: “Excuse me? We are not done! I said—”

Me: “—you’re not leaving, I know. You’re free to stay all day, but there will be no refund.”

Customer: “Get your boss.”

Me: “I’m the highest-ranking manager in this store.”

Customer: “YOU B****! I don’t need this!”

Me: “I cannot return it.”

She screams in my face. I don’t move, so she takes her air mattress and storms out.

Next Customer: “What are the odds she bought that for a visitor this weekend?”

Me: “Very good, I would say.”

She left a one-star review on our Facebook page, but it was quickly removed.

Mess With The Teeth And It’ll Bite You In The Butt

, , , , | Working | May 6, 2022

I took over payroll for a small company of about fifty people. An employee came into my office while I was on a call with a supervisor. He did not knock on the closed door; he just came in and started yelling.

Employee: “What the f*** is wrong with you?!”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m on a call right now, but I will help you when I’m done. Please have a seat outside.”

Employee: “You spelled my name wrong, and now my bank won’t accept my paycheck.”

Me: “Okay, I apologize. However, I am on the phone with [Supervisor] right now, so I will be with you when—”

Employee: “You’ll fix it right now or I’ll knock your f****** teeth down your throat. I worked; you owe me my money.”

[Supervisor] had been on the phone this whole time and heard everything via speakerphone.

Supervisor: “Hey, [Employee], how about you come down to my office and talk like that?”

Employee: *Losing color* “What?”

Supervisor: “Come here. I’ve got teeth, too.”

Employee: “Oh. I— No, I was—”

Supervisor: “Actually, hang tight. I’ll come to you.”

[Employee] opened the door, presumably to leave, but [Supervisor] was already there. Apparently, he’d started walking as soon as he heard [Employee] come in.

Supervisor: “Give me your badge.”

Employee: “No, but she—”

Supervisor: “I don’t care. You do not talk to anyone like that. Give me your badge now.”

[Employee] handed over his badge.

Supervisor: *Looking at the name* “Spell your name.”

[Employee] does so.

Supervisor: “[My Name], how is it spelled on his file?”

I read it; it’s the same spelling.

Supervisor: “Your name tag matches your file and you haven’t had this issue before, correct? I suggest you go sort it out with your bank, and we will mail your final check today.”

Employee: “But—”

Supervisor: “Get. Out.”

[Employee] was escorted out of the building. He called [Supervisor] a few hours later to apologize for his behavior — but he would not speak to me — and admitted that the bank teller was mistaken. He asked if he could be reinstated but he was denied.