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Damper-ing His Spirits

, , , , , , | Working | August 31, 2018

My husband and I are at a well-known theme park, sitting in the audience of a Bush skills show — sheep shearing, whip cracking, snake handling, making damper bread and billy tea, etc. The showman has just shown around a very large and harmless python; he’s clearly loving the shrieking reactions from tourists, who are all but fleeing from the snake. When he gets to me, I grin and pet the python happily whilst cooing over it as if it was a puppy. He seems a little disappointed he didn’t get the same reaction from me, but the show goes on until he reaches the part about making damper bread.

He calls me up on stage, clearly hoping to get a reaction this time. He jokingly throws random handfuls of flour and salt in a bowl and then pours in far too much water. He looks at me with a grin and tells me to get to it.

It looks like an absolute mess, which is, of course, what he intended.

He goes back to the front of the stage to continue with a demonstration on bush medicine whilst behind him I set about fixing the damper dough. I grab more flour to even out the ratios, add more salt, and by the time he comes back to check on me, I’m kneading a perfect damper bread dough.

He looks at me. He looks at the dough. He looks at me. He looks at the dough, and utterly stumped, all he can say is, “You shouldn’t have been able to do that!” before sending me back to my seat, baffled.

Sorry, mate! You just picked on the wrong lady!

The Only Boob In Here Is You

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 29, 2018

A group of us got together to form a nudist club, and we would rent out the hot-tub suite of the local leisure centre for an hour or two on weekly basis. People who were using the suite before the hour we rented were naturally expected to leave before our rented hour.

This, of course, did not always happen. The worst instance of liberty-taking was when a middle-aged man from a culture where nudism is a shocking concept deliberately spent a long time showering, changing, and preparing to exit the suite, to such an extent that it was a good ten minutes into our rented time.

I, along with the other coordinator of this weekly event, approached this man a few times, explaining to him that he was encroaching into our time, and the members of the club wanted him either to leave immediately, or to pay his subscription and disrobe. Of course, he had no intention of doing so; he just wanted to hang around on the off chance that he could see naked women.

In the end, the aforementioned coordinator and I just undressed, and approached him again, naked this time. Nobody else had done so; it was just we two men. This time, the embarrassment of being made to interact with two naked men, and the increasingly remote prospect of cheap thrills on offer at the sight of bare breasts and women’s lady parts, was too much for him, and the slimy old toad left.

Don’t Get Between Lesbians And Their Balls

, , , , , | Right | August 28, 2018

(The bowling center where I work has a gay bowling league in it. I am also gay, but don’t know about the league at the time. A small family comes in as the league is bowling and two of the little girls start running around in the bowling area, disturbing a few of the league patrons. They disturb a few of the more “butch” lesbians, and they tell the kids not to run around here, etc. The parents don’t like the customers yelling at the kids, so they complain to the manager. The manager gives them a small discount and a few free game passes to come back at another time when the bowling center isn’t filled with leagues. She also tells them how good that league is, and that the ladies probably didn’t mean any harm. About two weeks later, these people come in again when we are not busy at all. The one mother says to the other mother in the group — while right next to me at the check-in desk:)

Customer: “There aren’t any gays or lesbians here, are there?”

Me: *eyes go wide* “Uh… Why?”

Customer: *sarcastically* “Well, we don’t want to disturb them again and make them all upset!”

(I hold my tongue, give the parents and kids their shoes, and send them down to their lane. I am pretty offended; I know what she meant, though she didn’t need to say it that way. I go into the manager’s office to tell her that “they” are back, and I tell her what the woman said.)

Manager: “Do you mind if I tell them you are gay? I want to ‘mess’ with them a bit.”

Me: “Sure!”

(I kind of hide a bit, trying to hear this conversation. The manager goes down, says hello to the customers, and chit chats a bit as she leads into telling them how friendly the gay league is and how they are some of our favorite customers, etc. She then says:)

Manager: “Yeah, even the guy at the desk is gay, and he’s a hard worker!”

(The one mother actually says:)

Customer: “OH, NO!”

(She puts her hands on her cheeks with big, bugged eyes like Macaulay Culkin in “Home Alone.” She tells the manager what she said, and says that she feels badly. When the family comes up to pay:)

Customer: *in a very sorrowful tone* “Hi. I didn’t mean what I said before.”

Me: “Yeah, you shouldn’t have said that, but I know what you meant.”

(They were very nice and sweet as they left. I told the manager how they apologized in their own way, and we had a small laugh about it in the office. She then told me that during their conversation, one of the ladies said, “Oh… Well, he WAS wearing a purple shirt.”)

Revenge Is Always The Real Thing

, , , , , | Working | August 27, 2018

I am the only IT employee at a primary school. This means it’s my task to keep servers and workstations up and running, and to create accounts for new teachers to log in, giving them email addresses and setting their passwords.

It is the end of summer holidays, and next week the new school year will start.

I’m very busy with a lot of work. It’s also still very hot weather, so I’m really looking forward to taking a break and having my ice-cold [soda].

I go to the fridge where I have stored my drink. My drink isn’t there, but there’s a note that Tom was thirsty, so he had my drink, and I should see him and try to get my money back.

I’m angry and go looking for the guy. I meet the manager of the school with someone I haven’t seen before. Turns out it’s Tom, and he’s a new teacher.

I decide to confront him here and now about my drink. I hand him his note and tell him he owes me 25 Euros. He looks at me and smiles and says it’s ridiculous.

I tell him that no, it’s not, because I need compensation for the time it will take me to get out and buy another drink, and the wear and tear on my car during the process. So he needs to pay up or regret it.

He stills thinks I’m joking. The boss looks worried but says nothing. Okay, fine, Tom. But you’ll be begging me to take your money.

He thinks I can’t touch him. I walk away.

And from that moment, my fun begins and I become his personal System Administrator from Hell.

As I’m told, I create his email account for him. Password: J3rk&Th!ef.

Every single time he logs in to his PC, there is a [soda] commercial song blaring through his speakers. All his documents have, “I steal from my coworkers,” automatically added as a line at the top and bottom of each page. Documents he save mysteriously disappear and reappear with, “I’m a thief,” added to the title.

It doesn’t take long before he comes to see me. Without a word, he hands me 25 Euros.

At the end of the school year, he leaves to go to another school where a friend of mine is the System Administrator. My friend calls me to talk about a new teacher at his school that is ever so courteous and pleasant to work with.

A Teeth-Grinding Generalization

, , , , , | Healthy | August 27, 2018

(I haven’t been to the dentist for several years, but an old family friend — who cleaned my teeth when I was a child — has recently moved to the area, so I go to her for a cleaning. The following takes place with her hands and tools inside my mouth, so I can’t spit.)

Hygienist: “You really need to brush your rear teeth better. I know you can, because they’re clean right now. But your lazy brushing has caused all sorts of problems back here. And you really need to lay off the soda. Really, sugar in general. And high-acid foods and drinks. Soda is pretty much the worst, though. And greasy food isn’t much better! You clearly eat too much fast food, and it’s not good for you. Your back teeth are just falling apart because of all that junk food!”

(Her tirade continues for more than ten minutes. She lectures me like I’m still a child despite that I’m in my mid-20s, before she finally removes her hands so I can pause to rinse and spit. She immediately reaches to start again, but I hold up a hand.)

Me: “We need to get something straight. I don’t eat high-acid foods, or greasy foods. I can’t afford to eat out, even cheap fast food. And I have soda maybe once a month. And while I don’t claim to be perfect, and do occasionally forget to brush before bed when I’m exhausted, I am meticulous about cleaning all my teeth, especially the molars. The reason why they’re so bad off is that I have severe acid reflux. I have had it my whole life. I even had an ulcer a few years back. That’s why I can’t eat any of that crap, and why I can’t help my teeth being somewhat decalcified. Until my doctor and I get the reflux under control, there’s nothing I can do to improve my teeth.”

(I sat back, opened wide, and let her resume cleaning. She was silent for a few minutes, before softly starting to catch me up on the doings of her own kids, who I hadn’t seen in years and was glad to hear about. The rest of the appointment went smoothly after that, and the dentist was informed of my reflux before walking into the room, so he didn’t repeat her mistake. I ended up needing all five of my wisdom teeth removed — apparently I had an extra one — due to extreme decalcification. They were honestly getting spongy by that point. But the visit ended well, and I still go back to the same folks, sans lectures now.)