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The Bicycle Wheels Of Karmic Justice

, , , , | Legal | October 4, 2018

(I am working in a store popular with teenagers. It’s a busy weekday, and I’m in the back room eating my dinner. Just as I’m finishing up, there’s a knock at the door.)

Boss: “[My Name], are you almost done?”

Me: “Sure thing, [Boss], what do you need?”

Boss: “[Coworker] and I need to sit these two shoplifters in here while we wait for the police. Can you watch the front?”

Me: “Will do!”

(The boss and my coworker take two teenagers into the break room. I head out to the front, run the shop, show the police through on their arrival, etc. Our till is by the window, and there are two expensive-looking bikes parked outside. After a while, two other teenagers come along and ride the bikes away. A little while later, the police escort two handcuffed teenagers from the back room. As they leave…)

Shoplifter: “Where the f*** are our bikes?!”

Literally Hit A Bump In The Road

, , , , , | Friendly | October 3, 2018

I’m driving through a parking lot with speed bumps when some woman in a shiny, new car comes up behind me and starts riding my bumper. I’m getting frustrated because I’ve been hit in this parking lot before and I don’t want to get hit again, and this woman is so close and accelerating so fast that I’m sure she’s going to hit my car going over one of the speed bumps.

When I get a moment, I swing my car off the road into the lots and turn my car around. Just as I’m getting to face the roadway again, I get the glorious image and sound of her hitting the next speed bump so hard, she scrapes the bottom of her car. She clearly does not learn her lesson because she continues to speed through the parking lot. But I hope she takes her car to the shop for repairs eventually and they get to laugh at her for damaging her car. A bit mean-spirited of me, but I’m glad that when she did hit the speed bump too fast, it was just her car that got damaged and not mine.

Wish He Could Just Sell Him On eBay

, , , , , , | Related | October 1, 2018

(I’m twelve-ish. A fast food company is doing a special event for collectable items — gold plated cards in decorative cases themed for a cartoon and card game. I want them, and my mother thinks they look nice for decor for my room, so we make sure to get all six variants. They get placed in a trunk in my room while I reorganize the space. It takes a few days, but I go to get them out of the trunk to find they’re gone. I am very upset about this. I pass by the family computer to see my step-dad has left the web browser on his eBay sales page, where he has just sold a set of the six collectables. Knowing we only had the one set, which was mine, I print a copy of the page to confront him when he gets home from work.)

Me: *upset and yelling* “What made you think this was okay? You stole from me! What is wrong with you?!”

Step-Dad: *lying* “I don’t know why you’re talking about. Leave me alone.”

Me: *shows him the printed page, without letting him touch it* “You need to call the post office and request the shipment to be returned to sender, and you need to refund the buyer. Now! I know how it works. You do it now!

Step-Dad: *laughs mockingly* “No, you don’t order me around.”

Me: “Fine. Then I’ll just tell Mom you’re a dirty thief who steals from children. Have you been gambling again? Are you covering up the missing money by stealing from me?”

Step-Dad: *stops laughing and looks serious* “If you f****** dare bring her into this, I’ll–”

Me: *speaking over him, totally unconvinced because he’s a coward in all respects* “Oh, so you want to go to prison for threatening a child, now? After stealing from said child? Please. Do it.” *opens arms* “Hit me, dirtbag! I don’t even care if it hurts. I want you to get out of my life; if I can do it by sending you to prison for child abuse that’s fine by me!”

(He storms off to his and my mother’s bedroom. I call her emergency work number.)

Mom: *angry* “What is it? This had better be an emergency; you know better than to call me at work!”

Me: “It is. Your husband threatened my safety when I confronted him for stealing from me. I have proof of the theft. If you don’t come and handle it, he will go to jail tonight.”

Mom: *deflates, softly* “Uh… Okay. I’ll be home in thirty minutes. Take the dog and lock yourself in your room.”

(I did so, and she came home. I showed her the printed page, and she forced him to let her onto his eBay account so she could confirm it. They had a huge fight but tragically didn’t divorce. He didn’t get my collectables back. It’s been about 15 years since then, and I live far enough away that my mother only speaks to me on my terms now. I said that on top of whatever my mother wanted to send me for my upcoming birthday, that my step-dad needs to send me a birthday gift for the first time in my entire life… I think you can guess what I asked for, but now they’re 10 to 20 times the price he received for them, and much rarer! Time will tell if he’s still a dirty thief or if my mother is finally ready to make him do the right thing for once.)

Engineering Cheaper Prices For The Undeserving

, , , , , | Right | September 28, 2018

(I have worked at my store for close to three years while in college to help pay for my degree. This lady comes in to the drive-thru, and I am at the first window taking cash. I notice she has three ten-piece nuggets on her order, at four dollars each, and the twenty-piece we have is on special for five. I decide to try to explain it to her. I genuinely want to make it more affordable for her.)

Me: “Ma’am, are you interested in our twenty-piece nuggets? It’s three dollars cheaper to do that instead of the three ten-piece—”

Customer: *interrupts me* “They are going to different places.”

Me: “The twenty-piece comes in two ten-piece boxes, so the only difference is—”

Customer: *cuts over me again* “Look, I already said I wanted three ten-pieces.”

Me: “It’s going to be so much cheaper; are you sure?”

Customer: “Ring me up or get a manager.”

(At this point, the manager shows up anyway.)

Manager: “Is everything okay?”

Me: “Yes.” *takes the customers money*

Customer: *addressing manager* “This dumb high school dropout can’t even take money correctly. Is she slow? Like, in her brain?”

Me: *addressing manager* “I just told her about our twenty-piece promotion. She said she wants three ten-pieces in separate boxes, so she wouldn’t let me change it.”

Manager: *trying not to laugh, gets the nugget boxes from the grill and holds them up, and shows the customer* “Two ten-piece nuggets.”

(She holds them far apart. Then she brings them together.)

Manager: “One twenty-piece nugget. It’s three dollars cheaper. This girl is not a high school dropout; she is six credits away from her Associate’s, is on the dean’s list, and is majoring in engineering. What was your degree in?”

(My eyes were wide. I mutely handed the customer her change with her receipt. She glanced at it and asked why I didn’t change the price. My manager stepped around me and closed the window. She was easily the most difficult customer I have ever worked with.)

Sweet, Sweet Parenting

, , , , , | Related | September 27, 2018

(I come out from the back room of my store to find a woman lecturing a teenage boy for eating a candy he hadn’t paid for. She’s chewing his ear off, so as far as I’m concerned, the situation has already been handled. However, she comes up to the register to pay.)

Me: “You’re his mother?”

Woman: “Grandmother.”

Me: “Don’t worry about paying. Just tell him to call his mother and apologize.”

Woman: “Call his—?”

(She looks confused for a moment, and then narrows her eyes and nods sharply, turning to herd him out of the store.)

Woman: “She said we don’t have to pay if you call your mother and apologize, so call your mother!”

Boy: “Wait… What?”

Woman: “Call. Your. Mother. And. A. Po. Lo. Gize!”

(It’s a line I toss out every now and then when I catch kids filching, but I never really expect them to do it, so hearing his grandmother enforcing it was pretty satisfying.)