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A Cents-less Waste Of Time

, , , , , | Right | October 15, 2017

(Our gas station has a member’s card that you can scan when you pay and get $0.03 off per gallon of gas. This customer forgets to hand me their card to get the discount while they are pre-paying inside for their gas. Five minutes later, they’re back inside with their receipt, furious that they did not get their discount.)

Me: “Yes, sir; what can I do for you?”

Customer: “You didn’t scan my [Gas Station] card! I want my discount. You owe me a refund, son.”

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience, sir, but I cannot go back and give you the discount when you didn’t give me the card to scan.”

Customer: “I just want my three f****** cents off!”

(I look at my screen and see that they only got $15, a little over six gallons-worth of gas.)

Me: “Do you have your card with you?”

(The customer hastily grabs their wallet, searches for a few seconds, and slams the card down on the counter angrily.)

Me: “I can’t scan the card for the previous transaction, but I’ll give you the refund for what would have been your discount since I have it right here anyway.”

(I handed them $0.18 from my till and replaced it with pennies from my “take one leave one” cup on the counter. The customer looked down at their dime, nickel, and three pennies, and gave me a telling look of embarrassment, knowing that they wasted five minutes and made of fool of themselves in front of the whole store for practically nothing.)

She Eats People Like You For Breakfast

, , , , , | Romantic | October 14, 2017

(My friend is working the drive-thru. After the customer gives his order and pulls to the window, this lovely exchange happens:)

Customer: “You know, a guy like me likes to see girls like you on her back, preferably naked.”

Friend: “You know, a girl like me likes to see guys like you in an oven, preferably with it preheated to 350 already.”

Customer: “I was just trying to be flattering.”

Friend: “You were just trying to be raunchy for shock value, and it didn’t work.”

Customer: “What if I had feelings for you?”

Friend: “Wouldn’t change mine toward you, which is hungry.”

Customer: “As in good hungry?”

Friend: “As in Hannibal hungry.”

Customer: *drives off*

Sword In The Stone-Faced Grandma

, , , , , , | Right | October 12, 2017

Little Girl: “But, Granny, why can’t I have the sword?”

Granny: “Because swords are for boys and you’re a girl, so have the [Doll] instead.” *gestures to me* “I’m sure that she had [Doll]s as a girl.”

Me: “Actually, I had cowboy pistols and a [Gaming Console].” *while handing sword to the little girl* “Be careful ruling the high seas!”

(Granny was furious.)

They’re Vibrating On A Different Frequency

, , , , , , | Working | October 9, 2017

(I am in a novelty store, looking for a cheap vibrator as a gag gift. I’m in my 50s and the clerk is probably about 20. The clerk comes up with a smirk on her face, obviously expecting me to be embarrassed.)

Clerk: *said in the most condescending voice possible* “Can I explain anything to you? I know someone your age might not understand these.”

(Now I don’t have a lot of f***s to give. I stopped worrying about what people think years ago. I start picking up vibrators and explaining to her the pros and cons of each one. Loudly. She is turning redder and redder as several boys her age stop to watch.)

Me: “But I don’t buy my vibrators here. I go to [Store #1] or [Store #2]. These are cheap pieces of crap, but I want it as a gag gift. But I know people your age may not understand all of this. Can I explain anything else to you, honey?”

(I bet she doesn’t try to embarrass middle-aged people any more.)

The Unoriginal A**hole

, , , , , | Friendly | October 4, 2017

(I’m getting a few small tattoos at a nice parlor that’s doing a $20 special. There’s a pretty big line. The parlor has about 20 sheets with multiple tattoo designs that fall under the special. I have a saying tattooed on my arm: “For something to be fixed, it must first be broken.”)

Friend: “You never said what tattoos you were getting.”

Me: “I want the flower by my ankle, the book on my wrist, and if we have time I want to get the cracked mirror added to this one.” *indicates tattoo on my arm*

Rude Guy: “Wow. What unoriginal tattoos you’re getting.”

Friend: “Uh, you know there’s a finite amount of designs they’re doing today, right?”

Me: “Also, it’s my body, so I can add whatever art I want to it.”

Rude Guy: “Whatever. If you want the crappy tattoos, get them. I’m just some guy and have like fifteen tats already, but what do I know?”

Me: “Okay, we’re ignoring him now. Did you ever decide between those two?”

(A little while later, a tattoo artist grabs me, my friend, and the guy behind us to confirm what designs we want. I decide to get the cracked mirror on top of my other two.)

Rude Guy: *scoffing* “How many chicks got those exact tattoos in those exact places already? How original.”

Artist: “If you have a problem with the art, you can leave. If you wanna be a jack-a** to people getting tattoos, I ain’t gonna ink you.” *he notices my arm tattoo* “I like the saying. What’s it from?”

Me: “I really don’t know if I heard it somewhere or what, but I got it a few years ago. In the past two years it’s been a reminder that, even though I had cancer and still have lingering medical problems, I’m not broken.”

Friend: “And her last surgeon liked it so much she got permission to take a picture of the tattoo. It’s hanging in her office now.”

(The artist chatted with us and collected our payment. My friend went first because she only wanted one, then the rude guy, who was getting two, then me. Turns out, the tattoo my friend was getting was the same as one of the ones the rude guy wanted, and in the same spot. The rude guy turned bright red and stormed out of the parlor. The artist put the $40 he left behind towards our tattoos. We gave him the original amount as a tip.)