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Car Parked, Brain In Neutral

, , , | Right | January 1, 2010

Customer: “Hi, um, my car was stolen.”

Me: “Well, okay, let’s go out and see where you’re parked.”

(We walk into the parking lot.)

Me: “Okay, where did you park?”

Customer: “Right there, where the Prius is parked! God d*** tree-hugging Democrat piece of s***!”

Me: “Okay, well, let’s go inside and call the police.”

(While we wait for the police to come she makes some phone calls and then comes back into the office.)

Customer: “Sorry, never mind. Turns out I drove the Prius today and not the Honda.”


This story is part of our bad driver roundup!

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Inn-Experienced

, , , | Right | December 1, 2009

Me: “Hello, [Hotel]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need to cancel my reservation for tonight.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we require 24-hour notice for all cancellations.”

Customer: “Well it’s an emergency! My daughter got sick and we had to stay home!”

(I glance down at the caller ID and see that this phone call is coming from a competing hotel across town.)

Me: “Okay, sir. I’ll cancel it for you due to this emergency situation.”

(Ten minutes pass, and I call the other hotel and ask to be connected to the guy’s room.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, sir, this is [My Name] from [Hotel]. I just wanted to call you back with your cancellation number and to wish your daughter a speedy recovery.”

Customer: *stammering* “How did you get this number? Are you following me?!”


This story is part of our Customers Caught Lying roundup!

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Soldiering Through Bad Customers

, , , , , , | Right | November 11, 2009

(I used to work full-time at a large retail clothing store. I am now in the military and when I take leave, I come back and often work a few days during a week.  A man and wife come up to the register.)

Me: “How’s your day going? Did anyone help you find everything?”

(I always ask because I don’t really have a quota I need to meet.)

Husband: “Oh, it’s going. No one helped, but we found everything easily.”

Me: “Sorry about that. Glad you found everything, though.”

Wife: “Do you make commission?”

Me: “Nope! But most of the employees have sales quotas they have to meet.”

Wife: “You don’t?”

Me: “No, I’m part-time. I actually have other goals in mind.”

(The husband half-laughs at this point and looks right at me.)

Husband: “Oh, do you actually have high dreams for yourself?”

(His wife chuckles, so I straighten up, stop scanning things, pull out my secondary wallet carrying my military ID, with “specialist” listed as the rank and my military police badge and slam it on the table.)

Me: “Actually, I’m in the Army. I am here on leave and I can’t stand to just sit around. My family is working, so a few days each time I’m back I come here to work. I have been on details I’m not allowed to discuss and you will never learn about from the news.”

(The husband literally looks straight down and slinks a little.)

Me: “Not to mention that while I’m doing this, I’m about a year and half into my bachelor of science in criminology. But, hey…” *goes back to scanning his items and putting away my wallet* “…it must be extremely nice for someone like you to enjoy being here so casually thanks to people like me.”

(During the rest of the time I scan the items, neither person says a word.)

Me: “That will be [price]. We can do any credit card or cash.”

(The husband says nothing and simply hands me his card politely.)

Me: “All right, here you go! Continue to enjoy the rest of your day!”

Husband: *in a hushed voice* “Thank you…”

Me: “You’re WELCOME. For everything.”

(I continue with the polite tone and smiling, and then call up the next customer.)

Next Customer: “THANK YOU!”

(The customer shook my hand and we talked about his time in the Marines during Vietnam. I made sure to give him the 10% military discount.)


This story is part of our Veteran’s Day roundup!

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Mission: Impossible

, , , , , | Right | August 3, 2009

Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”

Me: *I pick up some stuff* “Not a problem. I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”

Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”

Me: “Open your car.”

Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer. You can’t touch it!”

Me: “Then how do I open it?”

Customer: “That’s your problem.”

Me: “Actually, it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”

Customer: “You have to open it.”

Me: “Watch me not open it.”

Customer: “Okay, then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”

Me: “So, if I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”

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He Fought The Law, And The Law Won

, , , , , | Right | June 22, 2009

(A man has been causing a ruckus at the registers for ten minutes and a line had formed behind him.)

Man: “I’m a lawyer and I know my rights! If you don’t take this return I’m going to sue the living s*** out of you.”

(A woman in a professional-looking business suit steps up to the register. In a cool professional voice, she asks to see the receipt that the man is waving. After a moment’s inspection, she gives him a hard stare over the rim of her glasses.)

Woman: “Sir, the store’s return policy is clearly printed on your receipt. They cannot take back opened CDs.”

Man: “But–”

Woman: “FURTHERMORE, by purchasing from this store, you are accepting the store’s return policy as a signed contract that you agreed to abide by.”

Man: “I–”

Woman: “IN ADDITION, by blatantly trying to circumvent this contract signed by you, no judge would rule in your favor.”

Man: “But I–”

Woman: “If you really were a lawyer, you would be fully aware of this fact. By claiming to be a lawyer when you are clearly NOT, you are committing an act of fraud, which can get you arrested.”

(The man turns white and flees the store without another peep.)

Woman: “I’ve had eight years’ experience working behind the registers, dealing with people like him. MAN, that felt GOOD!”