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Always Using The Same Old Line

, , , , | Friendly | January 3, 2018

(I am standing in line, and in front of me is an older couple. The couple have been complaining out loud the same thing over and over again: they should have more registers open, there should be more workers, the wait is so long, so on and so forth. I’m patient, and spend my time reading an ebook on my phone.)

Old Man: *suddenly, to me* “What time is it?”

Me: *I look down at my phone* “It’s 12.”

(The old man says nothing, still looking at me like he’s waiting for me to answer.)

Me: “Um… yeah, 12.” *I go back to reading*

Old Man: *turns back to his wife, mumbling* “Can’t even get off their phones…”

(After hearing them complain nonstop and now insulting me over nothing, I decide I have had enough.)

Me: “Oh, fine. Let me be more like you.” *I raise my voice dramatically* “OH, THESE LONG LINES! THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE! EVEN THOUGH IT’S BEEN MOVING STEADILY, I’D RATHER COMPLAIN OUT LOUD FOR EVERYONE TO HEAR!”

(Pause.)

Me: “Nah, that was boring. I prefer reading my book.” *goes back to phone*

(The old couple stopped complaining after that.)

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Talk Again And This Toddler Will Invoke Ragnarok

, , , , , | Friendly | December 29, 2017

(It’s the week “Thor: Ragnarok” comes out. It’s a weekday afternoon, so far less crowded than other days, but there are still some people in the IMAX, including a mother with her toddler-aged son sitting in the row in front of us. He may be a little older, but he’s definitely not school-aged yet. A family including a son of about seven or eight comes in just before the movie starts, and they sit right next to us. Not long after the movie starts, the boy starts talking nonstop, and this continues for several minutes with no action from the parents. Finally, at a particularly quiet part of the movie, the toddler turns around.)

Toddler: “You’re not supposed to talk during a movie. You might bother other people.”

(He turns back around in his seat.)

Toddler: “Sorry, Mommy. I talked. I won’t do it again.”

(Never have I seen two parents look so ashamed, as the dad quickly grabbed his son and rushed him out. Though, who can blame them, after having their school-aged child be lectured on manners by a little boy? The dad and son soon returned to the theater, where the kid didn’t talk again the whole movie, other than asking to go to the bathroom. I really hope the little boy’s mother was proud, because that’s some good parenting in action!)

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His Handicap Is A Lack Of Decency

, , , , , , | Right | December 29, 2017

(We share a parking lot with a restaurant with a lot of regulars. One has decided to be the self-appointed handicap spot judge. He will sit at the outside tables yelling whenever he thinks someone is parking in them inappropriately. We have received a ton of complaints about him, but mall security hasn’t caught him in the act yet, so he is still allowed on the premises. I’m grabbing lunch from the restaurant and see him outside, so I text security to come and keep an eye on him. Not long afterward a car pulls into a handicap spot displaying proper tags. A young woman gets out of the driver’s seat.)

Regular: “Hey! What the f*** is your handicap? That you need a latte? B****! I’m talking to you! You can walk just fine! You’re taking that spot from someone who needs it! Let me guess: you got that tag on your knees in front of the doctor! Hey! Don’t ignore me!”

(The woman has completely ignored the rant, heading to the back of the car and pulling something out of the trunk. I’ve gotten video of the regular and texted it to security, who says he is on his way ASAP. By this point I’ve realized what the woman is getting out of the trunk: a walker. Next, she opens the back passenger door and helps out a small, extremely elderly woman. The regular hasn’t stopped his insults. The second the elderly woman gets her hands on the walker, she starts towards the regular. She stops in front of him, pulls off her hat, and starts to hit him over the head with it, furious.)

Elderly Woman: “You don’t call my granddaughter a b****! What is wrong with you?! Who raised you?!”

(The regular reels back, shocked, and security walks up to see the vengeful grandmother’s anger.)

Regular: “Make her stop!”

Security: “Ma’am, please stop. Sir, you’re officially banned from mall property for harassing other customers.”

Regular: “Harassing?! They’re the ones cheating the system. She—” *gesturing at the granddaughter* “—doesn’t need a handicap spot.”

Security: “No, but she—” *gesturing to the grandmother, who has sat down, exhausted from her exertion* “—probably does. Anyway, it’s none of your business. Ma’am, are you all right?”

Grandmother: “I’m 92 years old, and it’s been too long since I put an a**hole in his place. I’m fine!”


This story is part of our Invisible Disability roundup!

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A Mutt Of A Human

, , , , , , | Right | December 27, 2017

(I’m visiting family with my dog in tow, and I decide to hit the local big-box pet store to pick up some toys and treats for him, since we only really have boutique pet stores that are uber-expensive in the city I live in. Since it’s a pet store, I’ve brought my dog along for the trip.)

Customer: “Aw, he’s so cute! Can I pet him?”

Me: “Sure, he’d love that! He’s a big old cuddle bug.”

Customer: “He’s so friendly and fluffy!” *drops to a whisper* “I know this store wants everyone to adopt mutts that nobody wants, but I’d love to get a high-quality dog like yours. Are you breeding him or can you tell me what breeder you got him from?”

Me: “Um, actually, I rescued him from a shelter a couple years ago. He’s actually a ‘mutt,’ and, since he came from the shelter, he is fixed. I can give you the information for the shelter I rescued him from; it’s local. They often have smaller dogs like him up for adoption. They even sometimes have pure-bred or designer dogs, if you’re looking for a specific breed or breed mix.”

Customer: “What, do you work here?” *laughs* “I’d be willing to pay a handsome fee for one of his pups. Just tell me where you’re breeding him and I’ll go put a deposit down. Whatever you want for one of his pups, I’ll make it back breeding that puppy, anyway.”

Me: “Ma’am, don’t make me lift up his tail and show you that he has no balls. He. Is. A. Rescue. He’s fixed, and I am an avid supporter of adoption and rescue. I’m actually in this aisle because I’m going to buy a large bag of good dog food and donate it to the rescue I adopted him from. Again, I think it would be a good idea for you to consider adoption, but if you insist on buying a ‘papered’ dog, there are plenty of Amish puppy mills in the area that will sell you an expensive and sickly ‘purebred.’ Just go to any flea market and I’m sure you’ll find the ‘perfect’ dog you’re looking for.”

Customer: “Well, you don’t have to be so rude about it! I was just trying to make both of us some money! If you knew what was good for you, you wouldn’t have had his balls cut off!”

Me: “I know that I have a dog that was purchased from a flea market and summarily dumped at the pound when his owner was uninterested in doing the basics of dog ownership. I know that he cowers if you show your hand to him palm out, which leads me to believe she hit him. I know that he was flea-bitten and malnourished when she turned him in, and now he’s healthy and happy. And I know that he won’t be producing any puppies that just mean shelter dogs wait even longer, or even die, because shallow b****** need a cute accessory. That all makes me feel pretty good. You can keep the money. So, if you don’t mind, I’ll get back to buying that bag of food for the shelter, and a couple of toys and treats for him.”

Customer: “Well, I have never been addressed so rudely by a sad little girl. Have fun with your shaggy mutt!” *storms off*

(I mention this interaction to the cashier:)

Cashier: “Oh, yes. She comes in here a couple times a week looking for people who are breeding their dogs. She seems to target people with small-ish, long-hair dogs. She never really gets anywhere, and ends up leaving totally pissed off. She’s yelled at the rescue groups we host out front several times. I don’t know why management doesn’t just kick her out and tell her if she’s that dead-set on getting a designer dog, just go to the flea market up the street!”

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The Importance Of Making Sandwiches

, , , , | Right | December 26, 2017

(I work at a well-known sandwich restaurant. I’ve been on my feet for eight hours without a break. I’m rather tired. A man in a fancy business suit walks up in a huff and looks at me funny.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant].”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah.”

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer: “Tired. I’ve been working all day and only had a couple breaks.”

Me: “Yeah, I know how you feel; I’m tired, too. What can—”

Customer: “What would you know about being tired? It’s not like your job is important; you just make sandwiches for people all day. That’s not important.”

Me: *a little stunned* “Well, if my job isn’t important, then make your own sandwich.”

(I backed away from the counter and walked into the back room. The guy stood there for a good three minutes before realizing that I was not coming back. He finally left, but not before spewing out some profanity.)

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