Talk Horses***, Get Hit

, , , , , | Learning | September 19, 2020

I’m a member of my school’s horse riding club. This happens before a riding lesson, while we are putting on my mount’s bridle and saddle in the stable. It’s not the first time I’ve been stuck with [Horse].

Instructor: “So, how do you find [Horse] so far?”

Me: “She’s like my grandma.”

Instructor: “How so?”

Me: “Old, fat, and stubborn.”

The instructor is not sure whether to be offended or amused.

Me: “And lazy.”

My horse then swings her head around, clubbing me with her head. I’m wearing a helmet, so it doesn’t hurt, but I still get knocked aside.

Me: “Yeah, I deserved that.”

Somehow, that day, [Horse] is unusually active, requiring less nagging from me to move and more willingness to obey my commands. We even do jumps, after which, she goes into a canter, nearly throwing me off in the process. Much screaming is involved, to the delight of my girlfriend, who still refuses to let me live that down to this day.

After the session, we are taking the horses back to the stable and removing their saddles and bridles.

Instructor: “Good job, [My Name]. I think that that was the most exercise [Horse] has gotten this year.”

Me: “Yes, so maybe she isn’t as lazy as we thought, but I still think she’s like my grandma: cranky and bad-tempered.”

We pack up and I walk out of the stable. Just then, another horse trots past. The rider, horse and I are all looking in the wrong direction, so I get rammed and knocked into a puddle of mud. Thankfully, not only am I wearing a padded jacket and a riding cuirass, but I am also wearing a suit of motocross armour underneath, so I am fine, if only a bit stunned. Everyone rushes up to us, making sure that everyone is fine. The horse is panicking, but the instructors are all calming it down.

Me: *Getting to my feet* “Yeah, I definitely deserved that.”

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Thumbs Up, Sister!

, , , , , , , | Related | September 18, 2020

When my husband and I have our first daughter, she occasionally likes to suck on a soother.  

Mother-In-Law: “I don’t like those things.”

Me: “I’m not a huge fan myself, but they comfort [Daughter].”

Mother-In-Law: “None of my kids ever had those.”

That’s when one of her daughters pipes up.

Sister-In-Law: “That’s absolutely true, [My Name].”

My mother-in-law looks smug.

Sister-In-Law: “Of course, I did suck my thumb until I was seven.”

My mother-in-law scowled and changed the subject.

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The Tide Pod Has Turned, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | September 17, 2020

I’m standing behind this gem in line.

Cashier: “Did you find everything all right today, sir?”

Customer: *High-pitched mimicking* “’Did you find everything all right?’”

The customer scoffs.

Customer: “NO! You a**holes always do this! You falsely advertise an item you never have in store!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir; what didn’t you find?”

Customer: “[Brand] laundry detergent.”

There’s a huge display of it right by the register.

Cashier: “Oh, actually, sir, I can help. We have a display—”

Customer: “No, you don’t. I searched this whole d*** store!”

Cashier: “Sir, if you’d just look—”

Customer: “NO! Shut up, you stupid b****, and do your d*** job! Stop falsely advertising s*** you don’t have!”

The customer turns to me.

Customer: “Can you believe this bulls***?”

Me: “I can’t believe a full-grown man is having a temper tantrum over laundry detergent that’s literally three feet away from him, which he’d have known if he hadn’t been such an a**hole when the cashier was trying to help him. Pay for your stuff and go; some of us have better things to do than verbally abuse the cashier.”

The customer turns bright red, pays, and storms out.

Me: “How many times has that happened since the sale started?”

Cashier: *Exhausted* “So many times.”

The Tide Pod Has Turned

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The Amazing World Of Gumball

, , , , , | Right | September 15, 2020

I’ve worked at a video store for years. Many people try to lie to try to get out of late fees, but this was a one-time incident.

We have a gumball machine in the store. Like in many convenience or video stores, a certain-colored gumball — in our case, white — yields something free: a movie rental, for our store.

A kid, about twelve, who I know has stolen games from us and therefore won’t be allowed to rent anyway, walks up to the gumball machine. After casting a furtive glance at me over his shoulder — I pretty much death-glare into his soul — he pretends, very blatantly, to put a quarter in the machine and turns the knob. He waits about two seconds before turning to me.

Customer: “Yes! I got a white gum! I’m gonna go pick out my movie, okay? Can you put the credit on my account?

Me: “That’s fine, but where’s the gumball? I just need to see it for a moment before you chew it.”

Customer: “I already ate it, see?”

He opens his mouth; he has a well-chewed and very small piece of gum in his mouth.

Me: “Yeah, I can say with some certainty that you already had that gum. Nice try, though.”

Customer: “What? I just put it in my mouth! This store is such a rip-off. You should take that sign down about winning a free rental since it’s a lie. I’m gonna get my mom to call and tell the boss about you!”

My patience has evaporated.

Me: “Your mom’s account is under [Customer]. You have two XBox 360 games rented a year ago that never came back. I have a really good memory, but even if I didn’t, it would show when you tried to rent, so I can’t rent to you anyway.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, we took [Game #1] and [Game #2] from here. What if I bring them back? I live like two minutes away and they’re in my room.”

Me: “So, you’re admitting you still have the games, and apparently, you have willfully held onto them after dozens of phone calls about them being late. I’m fairly certain you should leave now.”

The customer took off running, full-speed. That was two years ago; he hasn’t shown his face since.

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I Watch Him Whip, I Watch Her Slay Slay

, , , , , | Right | September 15, 2020

I am sorting out stock when I notice an angry-looking man approach my coworker at the counter. He produces an old iPhone cable. It’s a completely mutilated mess, and sadly, we know what he’s about to ask.

Customer: “Refund.”

Coworker: “On this cable, sir?”

Customer: “Obviously.”

Coworker: “It looks like it’s been seriously damaged, sir. May I ask what happened to it?”

Customer: “D*** thing stopped working. Refund.”

Coworker: “It looks like someone has cut the cable, and then tried to fix it by soldering the wires inside together.”

Customer: “Yeah, I did that to fix it, but it didn’t work. Refund.”

Coworker: “I’m afraid we can’t process a refund for an item that was willfully destroyed. You should have bought it back before trying to fix it.”

Customer: “Nope. Refund. Manager.”

Coworker: “I am the manager on duty.”

She hands the broken cable back to the customer.

Coworker: “I am afraid we won’t be able to help you in this matter, sir.”

The customer stares for a moment, almost shocked that he hasn’t got his way. He picks up his broken cable, and in an act so shocking I swear I see it happening in slow motion, he tries to WHIP my coworker with it!

Luckily, she happened to be paying attention, and she caught the cable in her hand before it could reach her face. Holding the cable tightly, staring at the customer dead in the eyes, she says:

Coworker: “Leave, before this cable isn’t the only thing that’s broken.”

Customer: “You’re all scammers!”

And with that he storms out of the store, leaving behind the cable. She takes note of his license plate as he drives off from the parking lot, and sends it to the police along with the camera footage of his attempted whipping.

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