All Judgments Are Final

, , , , , , , | Right | October 10, 2012

(It’s after Halloween, so we’re having a clearance sale on Halloween decorations. A customer outside walks by the storefront window, sees the decorations, and stomps right through the entrance to me.)

Customer: “YOU! Can you explain this?” *points back to the decorations*

Me: “The Halloween decorations?”

Customer: “Don’t act dumb! Why are they still here!?”

Me: “Well, Halloween was just last week, so we still have some decorations left over. They’re on sale for 50% off.”

Customer: “How DARE you sell those devil items in the store!”

(Note: these “devil” items were plastic bags of fake spider webs, smiling cutesy ghosts ornaments, Halloween window stickers, and bat-shaped confetti.)

Me: “Um, ma’am? No offense, but we always sell those during Halloween.”

Customer: “I KNOW. I just want to know why on earth you would try to sell those AFTER Halloween!”

Me: “Well, since they’re still in stock we’re having a clearance sale and are trying to get rid of—”

Customer: “Do you worship the devil?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Only a devil worshiper would do such a thing! Your establishment is based on Satanism! You’re going to burn!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t appreciate—”

Customer: “Everything you touch is d***ed!”

(Fed up and frustrated with her offensiveness, I talk back.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, I guess that means you’re d***ed, too, since you’ve deliberately walked onto tainted soil.” *points down to where she’s standing*

(The customer’s eyes bulge out as she looks at her feet and then back at me. Then, without warning, she frantically SPRINTS OUT OF THE STORE, pushing my manager out of the way and almost knocking him down.)

Manager: “What the f*** was that about?!”

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No Sense, No Sensitivity, No Service

, , , , , , | Right | September 11, 2012

(I am checking out an older gay couple holding hands, who has been very pleasant, when the customer behind them speaks up.)

Me: “How are you guys doing today?”

Customer #1: “Oh, just great.”

Customer #2: “Hey! Lady!”

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer #2: “You’re allowed to refuse to serve people, aren’t you?”

Me: “Um, yes, I can make them go to another line if they cause problems.”

Customer #2: “Well, why are you ringing out these homos?! Kick them out of your line!”

Me: “Um, sir, these men haven’t been causing problems.”

Customer #2: “They’re f***ing f****ts! I can’t believe you’re helping them!” *to the couple* “Get the h*** out of here! She’s refusing to serve you!”

Customer #1: “We’re not doing anything!”

Me: “Please, sir, I have no problem. They’ve been very nice to me. I’m almost done checking them out, anyway.”

Customer #2: “No! No, no, no! I demand that you refuse them service!”

(By now, I’ve finished with the couple’s grocery order.)

Me: “Sir?”

Customer #2: “What?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you’re causing a disturbance. I’m going to have to refuse you service. Please move to another line.”

(He threw a fit and complained to my manager, but the gay couple spoke up in my defense and [Customer #2] was banned from the store.)

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My Dog Thinks You’re Nuts

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2012

(I work at a dog park, and I get to bring my Great Dane to work with me. Most of my regulars know and love my dog, and he has his own little fan club. My Dane is an obedience champion and has a vast vocabulary of verbal and hand signal commands, including “shake”. However, because of his height, if someone asks him to “shake”, they usually get smacked for their troubles. An unpleasant new visitor to the park begins making disparaging comments.)

New Visitor: *to me* “Border Collies are a real man’s dog. If you aren’t smart enough for a collie, you get something like that!” *points at my dog*

Me: “Excuse me, but that’s incredibly rude.”

New Visitor: “See? What did I tell you? Only a stupid woman would own a stupid dog like that!”

Regular #1: “Actually, that dog is brilliant.”

New Visitor: “Whatever. I bet he doesn’t even know how to shake hands.”

Regular #2: *smiles* “Oh, please try…”

New Visitor: *to my Great Dane* “Shake!”

My Great Dane: *smacks him in the crotch*

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Buying Bread Costs You Dough

, , , , , | Right | May 26, 2011

Me: “I’m sorry, the bread isn’t scanning on to the till. I will just go and check the price on the shelf.”

Customer: “When I was a boy like you, I used to work everything out in my head. None of this till business.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t seem to find where you got that particular type of bread from. May I ask where you took it from?”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Is your manager here?”

Me: “She leaves me in the shop on Sundays. Did you get the bread from here?”

Customer: “No. I got it from the supermarket.”

Me: “So, you’ve already paid for it at another shop, sir?”

Customer: “I’m sorry. My brain isn’t what it used to be.”

Me: “That’s why I use a till, sir.”

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Coupons Are A Big Deal

, , , , , , | Right | April 15, 2011

(I am a customer at a deli. I am the second in line.)

Cashier: “Would you like to donate a dollar to [charity]? You’ll receive a–”

Customer: *ahead of me* “No! What is it with all these add-ons? I’m so sick of it! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

(The customer continues her tirade and the poor cashier looks like she is near tears. The customer is finished, then the cashier rings up my order. The customer continues to stand at the counter as she is waiting for her food.)

Cashier: *to me* “Would you like to donate a dollar to [charity]? You’ll receive a free coupon book.”

Me: “A coupon book? Sure, why not?”

(The cashier takes my money, and hands me the coupon book.)

Customer: *to me* “What kind of coupons are in there?”

Me: “I don’t know. You can take a look, if you want.”

(The customer flips through the coupon book. She then goes to put it in her purse.)

Me: “Excuse me? That was my coupon book.”

Customer: “Oh right! Oops! How silly of me!”

(She hands me the coupon book.)

Customer: “Say, how about if I buy that $10 off coupon for [local party supplies store] off of you for $1?”

Me: “Well, I guess so.”

(The customer hands me $1, and I give her the coupon. I then turn to the cashier and give her the dollar.)

Me: *to cashier* “Can I donate another dollar and get another coupon book?”

Cashier: “Sure!”

(The customer looks confused and embarrassed.)

Me: *to customer* “Oh, by the way, I get annoyed with all of the extra questions and add-ons too. But I find a simple, ‘No, thank you,’ works just fine.”

Customer: “Hmph!”

(She crosses her arms and pouts until her food is ready. She then grabs it and stomps out.)


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