Such A Sweet Resolution

, , , , | Right | October 22, 2019

(I am at the register checking out items for a customer. There are two other people waiting in line including a mom with her daughter who is only about six. The little girl asks her mom if she can get a candy bar. After her mom says no, the little girl begins to turn back to put the candy back when she gets an idea and sneaks it into the man’s cart in front of them. As I am about to tell the man who is next in line what happened, he puts his items up on the belt and shakes his head at me to not say anything. The little girl quickly tries to grab the candy from one of his bags before he leaves when he grabs the candy and proceeds to eat it, laughing in the girl’s face as he exits the shop.)

Little Girl’s Mom: *turning towards me while putting items up* “That’ll teach her.”

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Sheriff Of Nothing-ham

, , , , | Legal | October 20, 2019

(My grandma, like many senior citizens — and others — gets lots of spam phone calls. She’s fairly sharp and skeptical of just about everyone, so she’s found a great way to make scammers hang up immediately. She also is retired and has plenty of time on her hands. She doesn’t often answer unknown numbers, but occasionally, she’s in a good mood.)

Robot: “Your social security number has been suspended. Press one to speak to a representative.”

(My grandma presses one.)

Scammer: *goes into a spiel about what’s supposedly going on with her social security number*

Grandma: *in an excellent, very dramatic, “worried elderly woman” voice* “Oh, no! That sounds terrible!”

Scammer: “Yes, but fortunately, we can help–”

Grandma: “Now, hold on. Let me grab my husband; he’s the county sheriff.”

Scammer: *click*

(My grandma is divorced and lives on her own in a retirement community. Joke’s on them!)

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Will Not Miss Mister

, , , , | Right | October 18, 2019

(In France, as probably almost everywhere, non-profits hire students to stop people in the street to ask them for donations. It’s expected that they remain friendly and smiling, and people seem to take that as a “please abuse me” sign. Sure, they can be a bit annoying, but they never insist once you tell them you’re not interested. I have a rather old bike which tends to fall apart easily, needing me to stop for a minute or two to pick up the broken parts and put them back together. One day, I stop right next to a student working for an NPO and hear this exchange between the employee and an old guy.)

NPO Employee: “Hi! Do you have a minute?”

(Note that in French, using words such as, “sir,” “mister,” etc., would be weird in that sentence and setting.)

Old Guy: “If you want to talk to me, you’ll call me mister!”

NPO Employee: *hesitant* “Okay, and does mister have a minute?”

Old Guy: *with a smug smile* “No!”

(I don’t like it when a**holes seem to think they can bother whomever they want, just because they’re younger, or for whatever reason. I stand up from my improvised bike repair and walk up to the old guy. I’m a 20-ish female, but I’m 1.80m — 5’9” — and am very well-built, so I tower over him.)

Me: *in the sweetest voice I can muster* “Then why did mister feel the need to importune that underpaid student? Would mister deign explain it to someone who isn’t contractually obligated to smile and be polite to him, or would mister rather f*** off?”

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A Very Last Shift In Behavior

, , , , , , , , | Right | October 18, 2019

(It’s not long before the end of my very last call centre shift and my tolerance for stupidity is at an all-time low.)

Me: “Hello, you’re through to [Bank], [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

Caller: “Reset my online password. Your stupid system blocked it.”

Me: “Can I take your account number, please?”

Caller: “I don’t have it.”

Me: “Okay, is this for a credit or a debit account?”

Caller: “Credit.”

Me: “Perfect. And is it a personal or business account?”

Caller: *tutting* “Personal.”

Me: “Let me just bring up the credit card system. Can I take your name and the first line of your address so I can search for you?”

Caller: “It’s [Caller] and [address].”

Me: “Nothing is coming back with those details. Let me just search the business credit card system.”

Caller: “It’s not a business card. Jesus.” *to person in background* “How hard is it to listen to what I’m saying?”

Me: “All right. Well, there’s nothing with your details coming up on the credit card system. Is it definitely a credit card?”

Caller: “No! Jesus Christ. It’s a debit card. Why is this taking so long?” *to person in background* “She isn’t listening to anything I say.”

Me: “All right, I’ll search the debit card system. Again, nothing is coming up on that system. Are you definitely a [Bank] customer?”

Caller: “This is ridiculous. Yes, I am a customer.”

Me: “Okay. By any chance is it a business account?” *even though she already said it isn’t*

Caller: “Yes! Are you stupid? I told you already that it is!” *to person in the background* “This idiot is the stupidest person I’ve ever spoken to.”

Me: *starting to see red* “What’s the business name?”

Caller: “[Business].”

Me: “Nothing is coming up under that name, either. Please double-check and give me the right business name.”

Caller: “F***’s sake. It’s [Other Name].” 

Me: “Okay, I finally have your account. Can I take your security number to verify you?”

Caller: “It’s [number].”

Me: “Nope, that’s not right. Try again.”

Caller: “Try [number].”

Me: “That’s not correct, either, so now I need to ask you some security questions. Can I get [details]?

Caller: “Is this call ever going to f****** end? It’s [details].

(By now I am completely confused and I’ve forgotten that she wants to reset a password. It’s almost 11:00 pm and at this time of night, 99% of calls are for lost cards, so I automatically assume that’s what the call is for.)

Me: “Those details were actually correct, so I can cancel your lost card now.”

Caller: “WHY THE F*** ARE YOU CANCELLING MY CARD?! Jesus, are you completely stupid? I want to reset my password. Is that too difficult for your dumb brain to comprehend?”

Me: “I’m sorry. There has been so much back and forth while I try to find your account that I forgot the call reason.”

Caller: “That’s not good enough. You’re a stupid f****** idiot who hasn’t listened to anything I’ve said. You’re a moron.”

Me: *finally reaching my limit* “DO NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! I am not stupid and I have listened to everything you’ve said. You said it was a credit card when it was a debit card. You said it was a personal account when it was a business account. You said the business name was [Business] when it’s actually [Other Name]. You rang the bank without any account details or account information. And finally, you’re the one who doesn’t know their verification details. I’ve spent nearly fifteen minutes trying to find your account when this entire call should have only taken two or three minutes, all because you’re too stupid to know a single thing about your account.”

Caller: “Well, I, uh, just…”.

Me: “I’ve reset your online password now, and since you’re soooooo smart, I’m sure you’ll figure out how to create a new one yourself. Goodbye.”

(I then hung up on her. The password reset process is extremely difficult without help, but my shift was over so I never found out if she had to call back.)

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Making Your Response Explicitly Clear

, , , , , , , , | Working | October 15, 2019

(I am out to my lunch with my brother, his boyfriend, and my boyfriend. All three men are 5’7” or taller and they all work out. I order a bunch of French fries for myself. The waiter brings them over and gives them all to my brother.)

Brother: “Here, [My Nickname].”

(As I’m reaching for the French fries, assuming it was a mix-up and the waiter will understand, he cuts me off and tries to hand me my brother’s burger.)

Waiter: “No! Sorry, but this is yours!”

(He pressures me into taking it, so I do, planning on switching them back. Then, I look down at the tray. On a napkin is written, “You’re hot enough to bang all night long, babe. ;)” along with a phone number.)

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

(I show him, and then my brother and his boyfriend. My brother takes the tray, giving me the fries.)

Me: “What are you planning?”

Brother: “Shhh!” *waiter arrives* “Hey, man.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir?”

Brother: “About this note…” *lifts it up*

Waiter: “Oh, s***. I’m so sorry, I meant it for her!”

Brother: “Oh, d***. I was hoping it was for me.”

Waiter: “Excuse me?”

Brother’s Boyfriend: *leans over brother’s shoulder, smirking* “Yeah, been a while since we had a threesome.”

Brother: “And you never let me suck your d**k! Maybe this guy will, since you’re so particular.”

Waiter: *pales and flees* 

(We all burst out laughing. The waiter comes back with a manager.)

Manager: “Sorry, ma’am, sirs. I’m going to ask you all to leave.”

Us: “Huh?”

Manager: “According to [Waiter] you were verbally harassing him, saying sexually explicit things, and being nosy.”

Me: “No, no! He gave me this note, and my brother was messing with him to try to teach him not to do this stuff.” *gives the note to him*

Manager: *pause* “I’m going to look into this. If you all are lying, I’ll have to ban you from all locations. And if you–” *turns to the waiter* “–are lying, there will be repercussions.”

(He leaves and we all go back to eating, kind of worried about the waiter situation. Eventually, the manager comes back, seething.)

Manager: “I’m so sorry. We have cameras, there, there, and there–” *pointing at nearby cameras* “–and they were able to show that [Waiter] did give you the note. Plus, we checked his handwriting, and it’s the same. I’m so sorry you were uncomfortable, and while I must say that I don’t condone your response, it was warranted. Would you like your meal for free?”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s okay. As long as he doesn’t get away with it.”

Manager: “He won’t.”

(We still wound up getting free dessert, somehow, but I’ll never forget my boyfriend’s facial expression when my brother started talking about sucking d**k.)

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