The Most Satisfying WHACK

, , , , , | Learning | February 24, 2020

When I was around 12, I got rather depressed. One of the ways this showed was that at school I would walk into the classroom, sit down, cross my arms on my desk, rest my head on it with my eyes closed, and get up again when the bell rang for the next class.

Obviously, the teachers weren’t fans of this, but I was able to focus pretty well this way, got good grades, and wasn’t disruptive so most just ignored it. Some classmates found it extra fun to mess with me, though, stealing pens and doodling in my notebooks.

One time, the guy sitting next to me kept poking me with a pen. A few times, I cracked an eye and hissed, “Quit it!” at him.

After the fifth time I cracked an eye, I saw the teacher with her back to the class, grabbed my hardcover textbook from under my arms, and gave the guy a solid WHACK! on the head. In a flash, I was back in my regular position.

The hush told me that some classmates had seen it, but the teacher either missed it or accepted it.

One bully down, a few warned through the grapevine, and several more to go.

Stuck Behind The Couponator

, , , , , | Right | February 24, 2020

My friend’s blood sugar can drop randomly, and those who know what’s up can tell by the way he gets moody, irritable, and cranky. He’s worked with face-to-face customer service since the week he turned sixteen, so he’s not wet behind the ears when it comes to dealing with difficult customers.

We’re hanging out one day when we decide to hit up the store for some snacks. Unfortunately, the self-checkouts are being remodeled, and the other registers are just as busy as the one we’re standing in.

The woman in front of us is a middle-aged woman, and she is now eating up everyone’s time, as she is — of course — arguing relentlessly over a measly discount that’s expired. She pulls the “I know the owner” and “the managers do this for me all the time” and “I’ll have you fired,” but she will just not accept that the coupon has expired, even with the manager denying every bit of it.

We’re all getting tired of her crap; my friend is no exception. I can see he is nearing the edge of his patience, his blood sugar is dropping, and he’s looking more and more like Squidward by the second. Finally, after the woman starts yelling at the poor employees, my friend suddenly lets out a bellowing voice:


Everyone is, naturally, caught off guard. The woman, red in the face and mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, stares at my friend. I can practically see steam blowing out of his nostrils. The woman just… drops her stuff and walks right out the door. No one says anything else for the entire transaction, and with a polite smile, my friend looks the employee in the eyes and says:

“Sorry about her, and sorry I yelled. I just need to get home to eat something, and she was pissing me off. Have a great day!”

He then turned on his heel and walked out. I looked at the employee and hurriedly mumbled a “Sorry” and a “Thank you” and ran out to my friend, snacks in tow. Alas, the candy bars and bottled drinks at the cash register didn’t start clapping, nor did the other shoppers.

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Racists Are A Cancer Upon Society

, , , , | Right | February 22, 2020

(Just after high school, I was diagnosed with oral cancer. Thankfully, I recovered, but due to chances of remission, I remained out of school and ended up as head waitress at a local fish and chip place. Two men are regulars at the restaurant. They always complain and tip next to nothing. Consistently, they insult my job and tell me I should be educated and do more with life. I set two plates of their usual order down and greet them.)

Customer #1: “Why are the fish pieces always smaller and smaller each time we come in?”

Me: “Sir, all our fish is measured by weight, and the senior portion has always remained the same.”

Customer #2: *rudely points at the opposite table of a younger couple* “Then why are their pieces so much bigger?!”

Me: “You two order the senior discount, and less batter. If you’d like to upgrade, let me know!” *turns to get their condiments*

Customer #2:Hey! You didn’t grab the tartar sauce!”

(I motion to the tartar I’m about to grab as I’m not halfway across the store, not too far away to hear the other man grumble.)

Customer #1: “Maybe if she spent more time in school and less time working for these d*** Asians she’d have a better memory.”

(The rest of the meal they groan and complain, being rude and disrespectful. Finally, they approach the table to pay.)

Customer #1: “How come you’re not in school? Shouldn’t you be doing something with your life?”

(This has to be about the tenth time this man has asked me this and usually I politely shrug it off.)

Customer #2: “You’re wasting your life, I tell you! When you’re old you’ll regret that you only amounted to serving for some [Asian slur]s!”

(I’ve finally had enough and I snap.)

Me: “No. The owners are not ‘[slurs]’ and your racial slurs are not welcome. They are good people who helped me in a bad time. I graduated with over a 96% average and fully intend to go back to school when I’m ready to get back into action. However, having any job is a good job. I cannot apply when I am in remission as the cancer I had when I was 18 may very well just come back, and I am still recovering and in pain! If you assume things and use racial slurs, you are the uneducated ones. Now, will that be all?”

(At a loss for words, the two apologized under their breath, leaving behind nearly a $20 tip on a ten-dollar meal. They have been nothing but pleasant ever since. My boss, who heard the whole thing, gave me a smile and thumbs-up. Made my day!)

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Closing Early And Opening The Floodgates

, , , , , , | Right | February 22, 2020

(I am a manager of an indoor children’s playland. I have the discretion to close early if we have not had any customers for a length of time. Weekends are always hectic with kids of all ages, but on weekdays we are mostly busy in the mornings with toddlers and often quiet in the afternoon, especially in winter with Daylight Savings. One Tuesday afternoon is particularly quiet. We had everyone pile out fairly quickly by 2:00 — probably for the school run — and we were left empty. I make the call at 4:30 that we’ll close at 5:00 and hang a sign on the door at 4:45 notifying customers. At 5:05, with everything locked up and the sign still on the door, I stand by my car, waiting with my colleague whose mum is late picking him up. Into the car park comes a car that parks next to mine.)

Colleague: “Who’s that?”

Me: “Oh, that’s not your mum, then?”

Colleague: “No.”

(A woman and her two- or three-year-old toddler come up.)

Woman: “Are you closed?”

Me: “Yes, I am terribly sorry but we have closed at 5:00 pm tonight. We will be open again tomorrow from 9:30 am.”

Woman: “But you can’t close early. He wants to play.”

(The kid looks like he doesn’t have a clue where he is and is preoccupied with a balloon.)

Me: “I am terribly sorry for the inconvenience but everything is already locked up and my colleague here is just about to be picked up. I won’t be able to open up again on my own.”

Woman: “I know [Owners] and they will fire you for closing early. They let my son and me play until close all the time.”

(This kid must have been minus-five-years-old when he met them!)

Me: “Again, I am sorry but [Owners] have not been the owners here for seven years, though they were the ones that created the rule to close early and the current owners agree with the logic behind it.”

(At this point, my colleague’s mum arrives but he stays with me, presumably in case there are any issues. Seeing the woman’s commotion, she, too, gets out of the car to see what’s going on.)

Woman: “You’re missing out on business here. You’re going to go out of business.”

Me: “Thank you for your concern, but as I mentioned, I am following protocol and we are now closed, so I will certainly be very happy to see you and your child another day for a play.”

Woman: *now yelling at us* “Tell me one reason why you can’t open. You should be open. I am a paying customer. I am right. You are wrong. [Owners] will fire you. You need to open now. My son is distraught!”

(He isn’t, though he looks upset by his mother shouting.)

Woman: “Why are you closed? Open the d*** playland now. My son is hungry and we want some chips. You’re not logical. You’re a b**** and you just want to go home early! Your manager will hear about this. This is illegal. I want free entry! I want free chips! You’re going to go bankrupt soon!”

Me: “Lady, stop screaming at us in front of your poor kid; you’re scaring him. We are closed. I was originally sorry that we inconvenienced you but I am no longer, as you’re being completely rude. I am the manager; I make the call if we close early and the correct, current owners approve this. I don’t need to explain myself to you, but since you enjoy going around in circles with no comprehension, nor manners, I’ll lay it all out for you. We had an unusually quiet afternoon and it made no logical sense to stay open any longer. Unless several customers came in, it wouldn’t cover the pays, let alone everything else. We are a business. We’re not a charity. The prices are what they are to cover rent, insurance, electricity, water, gas, food, drinks, staff, maintenance, software, play structures, cleaning, advertising, and a much longer list of items that are all behind the scenes to make us what we are today. Now, if you would like to come back on another day, when we are open, and you are polite and considerate, then we would absolutely love to see you and your son again. And if not, then I wish you a good evening, for we are all going home. Should you require any assistance leaving, I might be able to conjure up the security team we also have to pay for, to help you leave.”

(She stood there speechless for a minute before getting back into her car. The next day was my rostered day off so I didn’t have to deal with her expected wrath but, as it happened, she never called.)

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It’s Time To Have A Little Chat

, , , , | Right | February 21, 2020

(I have been working in the support center for an online video game for barely three months when I get what can charitably be described as a customer complaint that upsets me. It says, simply, “[Other Player] is being a [racial slur] to me.” At the time, I am living with and romantically involved with someone of this ethnicity. I am displeased but resolve to power forward. I open the chat window.)

Me: “Hello! I understand you’re having a problem with another player.”

Player: “Yeah, [Other Player] is being a [racial slur] to me.”

Me: “I’ll thank you to not use that word again during this conversation.”

(Given the nature of the “complaint,” I’m not entirely certain if the player is trying to troll me or is trying, poorly, to report inappropriate behavior. I pull up his account history and pull his current chat logs to see.)

Player: “Why? Where I’m from, it just means an ignorant person.”

(The account history shows this player has received several account penalties for harassing the other person, each disputed by him but upheld. I also see the personal details of the account holder.)

Me: “I’m pretty sure that word means the same thing in Los Angeles as it does elsewhere.”

(The chat logs reveal my petitioner has in fact been continuing his harassment campaign toward the other player, who did not respond. I pull the current logs.)

Player: *to his friends, in another chat entirely* “I think I pissed off the CS rep.”

Me: *in response directly to him, in the chat between us* “Yes. You did.”

Player: “You can see that?”

Me: “As well as what you said to the other player, and what you’ve done to him before. I suggest you leave them alone, as they requested on [date of previous account penalty], and that you be more careful with your approach to others. This would ensure you remain in good standing and can continue to play.”

(The player pauses in his response, and does not chat with his friends, either.)

Player: “Okay. Sorry to bother you.” *to his friends in their own chat* “I think maybe we should leave [Other Payer] alone. It looks like [My Game Company] is getting serious.”

(I was never so happy to tell a customer no.)

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