Getting To The Crux Of The Matter

, , | Right | January 29, 2018

Customer: “I’d like the number for Saint Anthony’s church in Newcastle, please.”

Me: “Certainly. Oh, there are two Saint Anthony’s churches in Newcastle. I have Saint Anthony of Padua’s and Saint Anthony of Egypt’s; which one would you like?”

Customer: *very calmly and patiently like she’s talking to a rather stupid child* “No, love, I want the one in Newcastle.”

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They Lost The Stair-ing Match

, , , | Right | September 7, 2017

(I work at a reception desk on the second floor of a civic centre, and exchanges similar to this one are all too common. A couple walk off the elevator and up to my desk.)

Woman: “Hi, where do we go for marriage licences?”

Me: “That’s up on the third floor, at the City Clerk’s desk.”

Man: “We know it’s on the third floor, where are we now?”

Me: “Well, what button did you press on the elevator?”

Man: “Two…?”

Me: “So… just up one more from here.”

Woman: “How do we get to the third floor?”

(As well as being directly across from the elevator they just left, which goes up to the fifth floor, my desk is actually situated under a large staircase leading to the third. Good luck to whoever had to walk these people through filling out forms.)

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Where Blow Dry Has Another Meaning

| Right | January 26, 2014

(I work at a shopping centre. A customer approaches the desk to ask for directions to a shop.)

Me: “Hi! How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. Where is ‘Hairhouse Whorehouse?’”

Me: “Um? Do you mean ‘Hairhouse Warehouse?’”

Customer: “…Oh, god! What did I just say?!”

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High Commission Brain Attrition

| Right | July 4, 2010

(A woman tourist  in her late thirties rushes up to my desk, followed by a man who appears to be her husband and three children.)

Tourist: “Ma’am, ma’am, this is an emergency! My family have missed our flight and our passports are gone!”

Me: “I can put you in touch with your high commission, Ma’am.”

Tourist: “Oh, yes! Would you?”

Woman’s husband: “Sweetheart, I have the passports at the hotel.”

Tourist: “Oh. Well, we still missed our flight! It’s June 18th and we were meant to leave on the 12th!”

Me: “Ma’am, may I see your tickets, please? Then I can put you in touch with your travel agent.”

Tourist: “Here you go!”

Me: “Ma’am, see here.”

Tourist: “Yes, June 12th.”

Me: “No, Ma’am. July 12th.”

Tourist: “Oh.”

Woman’s son: *looks about eight* “Oh, mom….”

Tourist: “Oh, yeah, can you give us directions to that museum thing, Ta Pape?”

Me: “You mean Te Papa?”

Tourist: “Yeah.”

Me: “This is Te Papa.”

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