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Don’t Ask The Experts If You Intend To Ignore Them

, , , , | Related | July 6, 2023

My family decided to redo a small part of our garden, so we went to buy some rolls of grass. Since I was studying Landscape Architecture at the time, my mom took me with her.

Mom: “I need to buy grass.”

Seller: “How big is the land?”

Mom: “Oh, only two meters square.”

Seller: “Okay! I’ll get them ready.” *Leaves to pack the goods*

Me: *Whispering to my mom* “What is happening? The garden is six meters square.”

Mom: *Also whispering* “Shush! I know what I’m doing!”

Me: “But we won’t have enough!”

Mom: “Yes, we will! They always oversell this kind of thing!”

Me: “No, they don’t! Even my professors always consult these guys before buying materials for their own gardens!”

Mom: “Will you just shut up and let me handle it?”

Me: *Mostly to myself* “Why did you even bring me here?”

The seller sold my mom the grass sheets for two-meter-square land, which she forced me to plant in our garden. As I expected, it was far from enough. My mom had the audacity to be baffled by it.

Law & Disorder: Pushing The Legal Limits

, , , , , | Right | May 15, 2023

This happened a few years back when I was an intern at a small law firm. 

I was fresh out of college and, as such, my workload was very light and I was often relegated to helping other employees, like photocopying and scanning documents, bringing customers to the meeting room, bringing them water, tea, etc.

One day, there was this customer who came thirty minutes before closing time. He was loud and demanding, and he was asking for our boss, one of the senior lawyers in this firm. I was helping out at the front desk at that time.

Me: “[Boss] is out attending a meeting with a client right now.”

Customer: *Huffily* “Fine. Then fetch [Senior Employee].”

Me: “All right. Wait here, please.”

[Senior Employee] came out to meet with [Customer]. They discussed the work, which [Senior Employee] had apparently been handling for a while for [Customer]. [Customer] didn’t sound happy about something, and he was working himself up. He demanded that [Senior Employee] finish something right there and then. 

After a few minutes of heated discussion, [Senior Employee] asked if [Customer] would like to return the next day as it was nearly closing time.

Customer: “No! I want you to finish [project] today! And I’m not leaving until you do so!”

Senior Employee: “Okay. Wait here; it will take a while.”

And he returned to the workroom in the back. 

[Customer] waited impatiently in the waiting room. He waited until closing time and glared at any employees who were on their way home. I was closing up my desk and preparing to head home myself when [Customer] suddenly came up to me.

Customer: “Where is [Senior Employee]?”

Me: “He’s probably still in the back, working.” 

Customer: *Pointing behind me* “You mean in there?”

The reception area and the employees’ room were separated by a floor-to-ceiling glass pane that was covered with a privacy film, and there was also a glass door that had a huge “Employees Only” sign on it.

Me: “Yes…? Well, he shouldn’t be long. I can call him to ask if you like, sir.”

Customer: “No need for that!”

And then [Customer] proceeded to walk to the door and push it open. I tried to stop him from entering.

Me: “Sir? Sir! You can’t enter that room!”

Customer: *Pointing a finger at me* “Shut up, kid! This doesn’t concern you!”

He pushed me aside and barged into the room. I followed [Customer], who marched straight up to [Senior Employee]’s desk.

Senior Employee: *Surprised* “Sir, you need to wait outside.”

[Customer] wasn’t having it.

Customer: “Why is this taking so long?!”

They got into a heated argument, where [Senior Employee] tried to make [Customer] leave, while [Customer] insisted on watching [Senior Employee] work until he finished what he needed. 

That’s when our boss arrived back at the office. I went back to the reception area and, sure enough, the sounds of [Customer] and [Senior Employee]’s arguments could be heard all the way up front. 

Boss: “What the h*** is happening back there?”

I told him about [Customer], and [Boss] simply sighed in annoyance. 

Boss: “Oh, it’s that guy again… No matter. I’ll handle this. You stay here.”

[Boss] went into the employees’ room, and there was another heated argument. [Customer] tried to blame [Senior Employee] for being slow, and [Boss] wasn’t having any of it. In the end, [Customer] was escorted out of the employees’ room and out of the office by [Boss] and [Senior Employee]. 

There was more shouting outside, most of which I didn’t manage to catch, but [Customer] did say something about never coming back to this law firm again, and [Boss] said that we had camera recordings in the office and he could sue [Customer] if he wanted to. 

[Customer] never returned after that.

Helicopter Honeymoon

, , , , , , | Related | September 18, 2022

My mom is not a helicopter mother over my daily activities. She’s only like that about “unsupervised” holidays. I am never allowed to go on a holiday only with my friends, let alone with a boyfriend. However, I can invite them to come along on my family’s holiday.

She often recounts her younger times when she went on holidays with just her sisters and their friends. Then, she would smoke and drink alcohol. Her sister would be making out with boys. She’s so paranoid that I would do the same.

I’ve accepted the fact, and I just choose to think that she doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me. I can still hang out with my friends without her and even go on dates on weekends (in the daytime) anyway. However, it went even further on one occasion.

Me: “Everything seems to be in order. I just need to confirm the headcount for the wedding caterer. Oh, I also booked the flights to [Small Island]. We’ll leave the day after the wedding. [Fiancé] is very excited to go diving again.”

Mom: “Did you also book tickets for me?”

Me: “Huh?”

Mom: “I’m going on the holiday too, right?”

My brain went blank out of shock.

Sister: “MOM! She’s going on a honeymoon! Why would you tag along?! Do you want to listen to them have sex or something?”

Mom: “What?! Nooo! [Mom’s Friend] went with her son and daughter-in-law on their honeymoon.”

Sister: “Well, she’s horrible! Don’t be like her! Let [My Name] be!”

Me: “Yes, please. Just… No.”

Mom: “Fiiiine. The island is too remote, anyway.”

Me: “…”

Now I live six timezones away from her.

Time To Cut Those Apron Strings Before They Get Singed

, , , , | Related | August 18, 2022

I was way into my thirties and had been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years when we decided to go on a holiday together. My mom, who became extremely religious after my father died, freaked out when I told her about my plan.

Me: “I’ll be going on a holiday for a few days with [Boyfriend].”

Mom: “What? I am not permitting you to!”

Me: “Well, this is not a request for permission, actually.”

Mom: “How dare you?!”

Me: “…”

Mom: “It’s [Boyfriend]’s fault! He’s turning you [slur for another religion]! It’s the greatest sin! You’re going to Hell, and you’re dragging me there, too!”

Me: “I think I’m too old for you to still bear my sins.”

Mom: “You’re going to Hell, and you’re dragging me there, too!”

She ran to her room and locked herself in.

I said, to an empty space:

Me: “He’s an atheist.”

Poop Is Natural, Too, But I’m Not Putting It On My Face

, , , , , | Friendly | July 29, 2022

A friend just joined a beauty MLM (multi-level marketing company) and was trying to either rope their friends into joining, too, or nagging us to buy their products. One day, it was my time to get the unsolicited offer.

Friend: “You need to try this face cream! It’s amazing!”

Me: “No, thank you. I am using a cream from my dermatologist.”

Friend: “Why do you have that?”

Me: “I have sensitive and dry skin. This one works really well.”

Friend: “My cream is also great for dry skin. It’s all-natural, so you shouldn’t be afraid about it.”

Me: “No. As I said, I have sensitive skin.”

Friend: “But it’s natural! You can’t have a problem with natural ingredients!”

Me: “Eggs are natural, but they also give me a rash. So, really… no.”

Friend: “But it’s natural!”

I ignored the many texts after that and eventually had to block the number. I hope they find a better job soon.