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The Name’s The Thing

, , , , , | Learning | September 12, 2021

I was seven months into my first year in University and had to stay at the student dorm with around 500 other first-year students. My uncle kept pestering me whether I had met his friend’s daughter. I kept telling him that it was like looking for hay in a haystack. One day, his wife called when I was at the canteen with a friend and their roommate.

Friend: “Why did you sound annoyed at the end?”

Me: “My aunt and uncle are asking me the darndest thing.”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “They keep asking whether I have met their friend’s daughter. They don’t even know her name — the most important clue I need!”

Friend’s Roommate: “My dad, too! You might as well be looking for me and I’m looking for you.”

Me: “Might as well. What’s your dad’s name?”

Friend’s Roommate: “[Uncle’s Friend].”

Me: “That’s the same na—” *eyes going wide* “Wait! No!”

My friend’s roommate’s eyes went as wide as mine.

Friend’s Roommate: “You’re kidding?!”

Me: “Does he have a friend named [Uncle]?”

Friend’s Roommate: “Yes!”

Me: “With a son that looks like [Famous Chinese Actor]?”

Friend’s Roommate: “YES!”

Yep. She was my uncle’s friend’s daughter, and we had known each other for seven months at that time. We had just never mentioned my uncle’s or her dad’s names, and they kept forgetting our names.

Keep Your Nose Out Of Other People’s Uteruses!

, , , , | Working | September 7, 2021

I just got back to the office from my two-week honeymoon. I am waiting for the lift when a coworker that is notorious for talking too much and too loud comes to congratulate me on the wedding. It is unfortunately common in our culture to ask about things that most western cultures think to be too rude, but this one takes the cake.

Coworker: “Hi! Congratulations on the wedding! How are you?”

Me: “Thank you! I am good!”

Coworker: “So, are you pregnant yet?”

Me: *Laughs* “I am not.”

Coworker: “Nah. I’m sure you are. You just don’t know it yet.”

Me: “No. I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant.”

Coworker: “I know you are pregnant! Trust me! Go get yourself checked.”

Me: “I. Am. Not. Pregnant!”

Coworker: “Yes, you are! I have a gift for this kind of thing. I’m never wrong!”

Me: “Well, you are wrong. And I am taking this lift. Goodbye.”

Coworker: *As the doors close* “Go buy a test pack!”

I didn’t buy a test pack. I stopped my pills two years after that exchange and finally got pregnant six months later.

“Ignore It Until It Goes Away” Doesn’t Work With Everything

, , , , | Healthy | June 17, 2021

I have mild chronic gastritis. I also have a slight deformation on my hip so I often feel pain in my lower back and hip. The pain I feel from those two conditions can be bad, but thankfully not often. I also have a high pain threshold because of them.

One day in late November, I started feeling discomfort in my stomach but I couldn’t really pinpoint where exactly. I disregarded it as just one of my two issues, so I started taking my usual medicine and kept an eye on my diet. The pain came and went for a full month. I didn’t really think about it since I was busy with a project and I had already bought a concert ticket. Project ended, concert attended, and the pain still lingered.

Finally, on New Year’s Eve, the pain was unbearable, so I told my sister who’s a doctor. She came by and did a quick check.

Sister: “Pack your bag, and I’ll call our parents to take you to the ER.”

It turned out that I had a swollen appendix. It was only hours away from rupturing. I ended up having to watch the New Year’s Eve fireworks through a hospital window, with an IV drip and some stitches on my tummy.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a reminder to never ignore any pain you feel in your body.

Just Take Your Wrong Number And Go

, , , | Friendly | March 26, 2021

I am working at home with a lot of deadlines in hand. I use a mobile hotspot to connect to the Internet and my work relies on it. Whenever someone calls my phone, the hotspot connection turns off automatically, stopping me from doing work.

One day, I receive a call from an unknown caller. Thinking that it might be my client, I pick up.

Caller: “Hello, Mrs. [Other Name]?”

Me: “No, sorry. Who is this?”

Caller: “Do you have anyone in your house that goes by [Other Name]?”

Me: “No, I don’t, sorry. You’ve got the wrong number.”

As I am going to hang up, she stops me.

Caller: “Then who am I speaking to? What’s your name?”

Me: “I don’t see why you should know my name. I’ve told you, you’ve got the wrong number. I don’t know anyone by that name. Now please terminate the call; you are disturbing my work.”

Caller: “Why are you so upset that I want to know your information?”

Me: “Because I’m not your client whatsoever, and that is private information that I would not share with a stranger like you. You also did not answer when I asked you who you are, right?”

She continued to rant, so I terminated the call and tracked her number on an app to see who she was. Turns out, she was a debt collector for an online credit company. I still don’t understand why she needed my name, even though I clearly stated that she had gotten a wrong number.

Fass Gas And Fass The Class

, , , , | Learning | March 25, 2021

I am teaching English as a second language for high-schoolers and adults. This happens in my Beginner’s 1 class. At the beginning of every term, I usually write down the parts of the syllabus on the whiteboard. I explain them one by one and ask whether anyone has any questions. One serious-looking adult student raises his hand.

Student: “Miss, what is ‘fart’?”

I’m surprised because I did not say anything about “fart” during my explanations, but I know he’s not trying to disrupt the class.

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Student: “What is ‘fart’?”

Me: “Why are you asking?”

Student: “You wrote it on the board.”

Me: “I did not write ‘fart’ on the board.”

Student: “Yes, you did.” *Points and reads* “‘Fart one, introduction. Fart two, fresent tense.’”

The rest of the class and I had to hold back laughter. It turns out that [Student] is fluent in Arabic, which made him develop a habit to say all Ps as Fs because there is no P sound in Arabic.