Will Say It Vegan And Again, Part 2

, , , , , , , | Right | March 1, 2018

(The dorm complex where I live has its own cafeteria, with a pretty decent selection of foods. While standing in line at one of my favorite spots, the girl in front of me has a rather interesting request…)

Girl: “I’d like a vegan cheese sandwich, please.”

Lunch Lady: “Er… I’m not exactly sure what you mean. Do you just want bread?”

(They only have regular cheese, and they butter both sides of the bread before grilling, so it’s no wonder the poor woman is confused.)

Girl: *insistent* “No, I want a vegan cheese sandwich!”

Lunch Lady: “Well, I don’t think we have—”

Girl: *slamming her hands down on the counter* “NO! I WANT A VEGAN CHEESE SANDWICH, YOU STUPID B****!”

(She finally leaves when a couple of the other students and I tell her to stop being stupid. She keeps screaming about her vegan cheese sandwich all the way to the door before slamming it shut behind her.)

Me: *steps up to the counter* “I’d like a non-vegan cheese sandwich, please.”

Will Say It Vegan And Again

In A State Of Confusion, Part 5

, , , , , | Right | March 1, 2018

(I work in a hotel that is situated in a city that has the same name as another state. I get phone calls like this on a regular basis despite the fact that our website clearly displays the full location on our website and in our hotel’s name. Also, we don’t have an area code at all, like those from the other state.)

Me: “Hello! This is [My Name] at [Hotel] in Indiana. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes. Hello. I was wondering where in Indiana you were located.”

Me: “No problem. We are located on [Street] right off of the highway, and in the same area as [Store].”

Caller: “No, no. I meant what city in Indiana are you located in.”

Me: “We are actually located in the city of Indiana within the state of Pennsylvania. We are about 350 miles from the border of the state of Indiana.”

Caller: “But you’re website says you are located in Indiana.”

Me: “Yes. That is the city and not the state.”

Caller: “But I want a [Hotel] in Indiana.”

Me: “Then I suggest you look at our websites for hotels in the correct state. Have a good day, sir!”

Back Then They Had Very Hard Drives

, , , , , | Related | February 27, 2018

(I am explaining to my five-year-old daughter that computers were different when I was her age. She interrupts me:)

Daughter: “Dad, I know all about that. They were called sex machines.”

(I look at her, trying to figure out what she has been told, when she suddenly seems confused.)

Daughter: “Or was it fax machines?”

Why Simply Ask, When Imagination Is Much More Fun

, , , | Right | February 27, 2018

(I am helping a patron who has been bantering with me during his transaction. At the end, he asks about the location of some movies, except what he actually says is this:)

Patron: “So, if a wicked witch were to fly in here on her broom and turn you into a stack of DVDs, where would he—” *indicating my coworker* “—shelve you?”

Anonymous Cold-Calling

, , , | Working | February 25, 2018

(I pick up the phone. I’m told by a scammer that my computer is sending out viruses.)

Me: “I know. That’s the idea. We are Anonymous. We are legion. We do not forgive, and we do not forget. By the way, you look ridiculous in that blue shirt.”

Scammer: “How did you…?” *click*

(Lucky guess.)

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