They Can’t Say You Didn’t Warn Them

, , , , | Working | November 24, 2020

I’ve been directing a show at a local community theater. As is tradition, the cast and crew all go out for a celebratory meal together after opening night. We select a twenty-four-hour steak-burger and milkshake place. 

Growing up, I was always taught that when a huge group of people is going out to a fast food restaurant, it’s courteous to call and “warn” them ahead of time. So, while everyone is changing out of their costumes, I call ahead.

Worker: “[Restaurant], can I help you?”

Me: “Hello, I just wanted to let you all know that we’ve got a group of around twenty-five that will be coming to eat in about thirty minutes.”

Worker: “We don’t do reservations.”

Me: “I know. I just wanted to let you know we’re coming since we’re a large group.”

Worker: “We can’t take reservations for groups. You have to come and wait for a table.”

Me: “Yes, I know we’ll have to wait. I just wanted to give you a heads-up since there are so many people.”

Worker: “Uh-huh?”

She doesn’t say anything else for several seconds.

Me: “So… we’ll be there in about half an hour.”

More silence.

Me: “Uh… thank you. Goodbye…?”

With that, I hung up the phone. Fortunately, our server at the restaurant was a lot more communicative!

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This Education Isn’t Worth What We’re Paying For It

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 10, 2020

My college left it up to professors as to what students should do if class started and the professor was absent. One professor entered the room early, left his hat and books on the desk at the front, and then left the room before any students arrived. As class time progressed without his return, more and more students left; the last one left with five minutes left in the class period.

At the next class, the professor explained that if his hat and books were present, he was on campus and we should all wait for him all the way to the end of the class period. He was rather loud and rude about it.

At the next class, the professor arrived to find hats and books on all the student desks, but no students. None returned prior to the end of the class period.

This story is part of our Best Of November 2020 roundup!

Read the next story in the Best Of November 2020 roundup!

Read the Best Of November 2020 roundup!

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The Sweetest Serial Killer

, , , , , | Romantic | October 21, 2020

My girlfriend and I have been dating for several months. She’s been in some bad relationships before and is worried because I’m “too nice.” She keeps wondering if I have some sort of deep, dark secret, like being a serial killer or something.

One day, I do a couple of minor repairs at her house, and that evening, she makes dinner for us.

Girlfriend: “Thank you so much for your help today.” *Sigh* “I really don’t want to find out you’re a serial killer.”

Me: “Tell you what, sweetie. I promise I’ll kill you first so you won’t find out anything.”

She hugs me.

Girlfriend: “Oh, thank you!”

She gets me.

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Sugarcoating The Truth, Part 2

, , , | Right | October 20, 2020

I work at a small local coffee shop. Our drinks are often described as being better quality than a much more popular coffee chain.

Customer: “I’d like a large black-and-white latte with almond milk, and half the pumps of flavor. I don’t need it too sweet. Is your almond milk sweetened?”

Me: “No, it’s not.”

I pull out the carton to show her.

Customer: “All right, that’s what I want. [Popular Coffee Chain] said theirs was unsweetened, but I think they’re lying.”

I go to make her drink, putting a total of one and a half pumps of flavor in instead of our usual three. When I finish, I hand it to her.

Customer: “This isn’t nearly sweet enough. Can you make it sweeter?”

Me: “I can add more of the chocolate and white chocolate sauce?”

Customer: “Yes, do that!”

I pump in another one and a half pumps of sauce, totaling three, which is our original recipe, and hand it back.

Customer: “Yes! That’s perfect! I’ll make sure to order this again.”

I hope she remembers to order her drink with the regular amount of pumps.

Sugarcoating The Truth

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That’s Some Real Rich Sauce

, , , , | Right | October 11, 2020

It is 2013. I am a cashier at a local supermarket. I’ve been checking people out and everything is going well. Then, a lady about my mom’s age comes up with a bottle of A1 sauce. 

Customer: “Hello, my husband told me to buy this and I want to make sure it’s not $6000.”

She points to a sticker on the cap that is most likely part of a scanner code.

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you that it’s not $6000. It won’t even be six dollars.”

Customer: “Well, you never know with this shutdown that’s going on. Obama and you guys are jacking up prices of stuff.”

I scan the bottle and it comes up as $1.50.

Customer: “Oh, is that all?! Why would you put a label that said that it cost $6000? You might upset people.”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, you need to be careful. You might upset the wrong person. I am an ex-lawyer and someone could sue you over these labeled prices.”

She pays and leaves. A little old lady is next in line.

Little Old Lady: “She’s lucky she’s pretty because she’s a stupid a**.”

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