Totally Wired

, , , , , , | | Working | May 22, 2018

(We have had repeated outages with our Internet that the ISP has never managed to diagnose. They seem to correspond to rainstorms, and tech support constantly says they cannot find any problem and blames it on our house wiring. After yet another outage, I walk outside and unscrew the cable connection from the outside box. I plug it directly into my cable modem and verify that I cannot connect to the Internet. This definitively proves that it cannot be the wiring in my house, so I call up the ISP and have the following exchange.)

Technician #1: “Hello, what can I do to help you today?”

Me: “I have recurring Internet outages, about which I have called repeatedly. They have occurred once again. Before you walk me through your normal steps, yes, I’ve restarted the modem, repeatedly. Also, I am plugged directly into your service drop, so this is not a problem with my house wiring.”

(The tech ignores what I just said and starts following his script:)

Technician #1: “So, you are experiencing a lack of Internet connectivity. Have you restarted the modem?”

Me: “Yes. As I told you, I’ve restarted the modem and am plugged directly into your service drop.”

Technician #1: “Okay, sir. Let me see if I can ping your modem.” *pauses* “I am unable to ping your modem. This most likely indicates a problem with the wiring in your house, as we have no reports of service outages in your area.”

Me: “It is not the wiring in my house. As I told you, I am plugged directly into your service drop. I am bypassing the wiring in my house entirely. It cannot possibly be the wiring in my house.”

Technician #1: “Sir, I understand what you are saying.” *obviously he does not* “But I assure you, it is most likely the wiring in your house. If we have to send out a technician and he finds that it is the wiring in your house, you will be subject to a $150 service fee.”

Me: “I understand that. It is definitely not the wiring in my house, because I am connected to your service drop.”

Technician #1: “Before I send out a technician, I need you to check the connections in your house to be sure that you do not have a wiring problem.”

(At this point, I give up. The technician clearly has his script, and has no capacity or desire to think beyond it. I politely end the call and then call back. This time, I hit the jackpot and get a tech who immediately understands what I tell him:)

Technician #2: “Well, that pretty much proves your house wiring is not at fault. Have you tried logging into the modem…” *gives me instructions* “…to see if it is getting any signal?”

(I do what he says and confirm that it is not.)

Technician #2: “Okay. I’ll set up a service call for you for tomorrow.”

(This tech then told me that he was glad someone called up who actually knew what to check. He chatted with me for a few minutes about how little the general public understands and how he was glad I knew about things like service drops and general troubleshooting. The next day a service technician came out, and my Internet was working, but I explained about the outages and the correlation to rain. He spent a few hours in the neighborhood and finally came back to tell me he had found the problem. Squirrels had chewed their way into an equipment box on a pole and, when it rained, water would get in and short out connections. Had I not done my own testing at the service drop, they wouldn’t have found the problem, because they would have tested my connection when it was working fine and assumed it was my problem.)

Could Have Been A Much Leaner Transaction

, , , | | Right | May 22, 2018

(I work at a full-service meat market. Instead of the customers picking out pre-packaged meat like at a supermarket, they can select the particular cuts and slices of the product. I am helping a customer pick out exactly which slices of bacon she wants before wrapping it up for her when this exchange occurs.)

Customer: “I want the fattiest bacon you can find.”

(I am a little taken aback, as this is an odd request. Most customers want the leanest bacon possible. But, I find the fattiest bacon I could, and hold it up to show her.)

Me: “How’s this?”

Customer: “Hmm. Do you have anything leaner than that?”

(Speechless, I hold up some bacon that is right next to the first bunch of slices I grabbed and looks virtually the same.)

Customer: “Oh, that’s better. I’ll take that.”

Me: *exasperated*

Taking You Into The Double Digits

, , , , , | | Related | May 20, 2018

(My sister and I are watching a TV show where children perform difficult mental tasks. In this round, they have to perform a series of calculations within a certain time limit. This contestant gives one answer just before the clock runs out, and the emcee is starting to give the next question:)

Em-Cee: “Nine thousand …” *timer runs out* “Time’s up!”

Sister: “Nine thousand times up? I wasn’t aware ‘up’ was a digit.”

Me: *gives her a thumbs-up* “Here’s a digit that’s ‘up.'”

Sister: *holds up middle finger* “Here’s another.”

A Total Lefty

, , , , , | | Working | May 19, 2018

(I slip at work and nearly fall, leaving me in a weird posture against a machine.)

Supervisor: “Are you all right?”

Me: *looking at my feet* “I’m not sure; I think they’re both lefts.”

It’s Bean A Weird Day

, , , , | | Right | May 18, 2018

(I am working my typical shift at the local corner store after I have gotten off from school. It is a slower day, and all seven of our employees are standing around the register area. It’s our typical dinner rush time when a very loud customer walks in. We have one of our regulars sitting at the counter eating A woman walks in.)

Manager: *smiling* “Hello!”

Woman: “WELL, HOWDY THERE!” *walks up to the register* “DO Y’ALL HAPPEN TO HAVE A BATHROOM I COULD USE?”

(As we are out in the country, we are a popular stop for many travelers that don’t have much consideration for other people’s’ property. As a result, we have had many incidents that involve having to clean up unsightly messes. We’ve ended up having to restrict public bathroom access.)

Manager: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t have a public restroom.”

Woman: “OH, LAWDY! DARLING, WHERE’S THE CLOSEST BATHROOM STOP?!”

Manager: *pointing up the highway* “There’s a town about ten minutes that way. There’s plenty of places up there, ma’am.”

Woman: “OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’D HAVE DONE IF I HADN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND A RESTROOM! I JUST GONE AND ATE MYSELF A WHOLE CAN OF REFRIED BEANS!” *sprints out the door*

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