When I did theater in high school, the tech crew would put a speaker in the hallway that was our backstage so that we could hear what was going on onstage, including lines said through microphones and sound effects.

One day, after the cast had been rehearsing for a while but while the tech crew was just getting started, I was talking to some of my friends backstage, very close to both the speaker and the men’s room.

One of them excused himself to use the bathroom, and I turned to do something else. A second later, music that the crew was planning to use for a set change started playing over the speaker, but since they hadn’t used the speaker before, they played it at an unbelievably loud volume. I jumped a mile because this was in no way expected, but they soon turned it down to bearable levels.

I turned around to see that my friend was even more surprised than me and was now lying sprawled out in the entrance to the bathroom.

Friend: “Well, I had to use the bathroom. Had to. It’s a past-tense need now.”

I was doing some grocery shopping at a well-known supermarket and I decided to use the self-checkouts. There were two people in front of me and I stumbled upon an interesting scene.

Customer: “You’re just not understanding what I’m saying! You’re not understanding what I’m saying! I’m going to a different checkout!”

I was curious about the situation and felt bad for the checkout lady. The woman yelled after her child to follow and brushed past me. I noted she had an item and cash in her hand. I discerned that the checkout machine must be card-only.

Customer: “And you need to put up a sign!”

At this, I almost chuckled. All the machines tell you when you arrive when they’re card only. I watched each lane as it opened while I waited. One had the red light on top and was therefore out of order. Soon after noting that:

Customer: “Is that lane open?”

Checkout Lady: “No, it’s out of order.”

Each time a register opened up, including the ones that opened while I was checking out my items, they showed “No Cash Payments” in large font over the screen as the people arrived. As I got to the payment screen, it also said, “No cash payments and no cash back available.” As I was putting my things back in my cart, the woman returned.

Customer: “You weren’t understanding what I was saying. I understand it’s no cash back, but I was trying to give you cash!”

Over and over again. As I walked away, I stopped by the guy near the doors.

Me: “It’s sad, isn’t it? With such a high literacy rate as we’re supposed to have, no one seems to read.”

Related:
Cash Back Attack, Part 17
Cash Back Attack, Part 16
Cash Back Attack, Part 15
Cash Back Attack, Part 14
Cash Back Attack, Part 13

One night, I am working the night shift at our pharmacy with a floater pharmacist — one from another store that comes in when our normal pharmacist is on vacation. It is a bit of a busy night, and we get a phone call from a lady who has been calling quite often.

Tonight, she calls on the doctor’s line (the line for doctors calling new prescriptions in). The pharmacist answers and later tells me the whole conversation.

Pharmacist: “Thank you for calling [Pharmacy]. This is the pharmacist; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Are you actually the pharmacist?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, this is the pharmacist; how may I help you?”

Caller: “You’re actually the pharmacist and not one of the techs, right?”

Pharmacist: “That is correct; I am the pharmacist. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I just want to be sure that you’re actually a pharmacist.”

Everyone is always clear to state who they are at my place, so why she feels this would be a trick is beyond me.

Pharmacist: *Giving up* “I’m sorry I’m unable to help you tonight. You may want to try back in the morning.”

The pharmacist hangs up and turns to me.

Pharmacist: “I bet if you had answered, she would have asked for whatever she wanted right away.”

A few minutes later, the doctor’s line rings again with the same number appearing on the screen. The pharmacist answers and puts her on hold so she can finish what she was working on instead of repeating herself more. The line goes dead after a few seconds. Then, another few minutes later, it rings another time. I clear out the line at the drive-thru and then take the call.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pharmacy]. This is technician [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Ah, [My Name]! So good to hear you. You know a lot about medicine, I’m sure, so I’ll bet you could answer this for me!”

She then proceeds to tell me about some medications she is on and asks about interactions, not letting me get a word in.

Me: “I’m sorry, but that is going to be a question for the pharmacist. Hold for just a minute and she’ll be with you as soon as she can.”

I place her on hold.

Me: “You were right, [Pharmacist]; she asked me right away. Question for you on line five!”

[Coworker #1] needs to get something. She leaves her phone, in vibrate mode, on her desk. While away, her phone buzzes.

[Coworker #2] is from Haiti, and while his professional English is excellent, he doesn’t know every slang term.

This transpires when [Coworker #1] returns to her cubicle.

Coworker #2: “You left your vibrator on.”

Coworker #1: “Excuse me?!”

Coworker #2: “Your vibrator… on your desk?”

Coworker #1: “I don’t know what you think you’re—”

Me: *Realizing* “No, no, no, no, no!”

Cue hasty explanations to both sides.

My mom worked for a big retail company. At the time, you could get a few cents off per gallon of gas if you paid with a store gift card.

One year, just before Mother’s Day, my brother went into the store to buy a gift card for gas and stopped to talk to my mom. She very blatantly steered him toward a flower display and said how nice it would be to get a bouquet for Mother’s Day.

Brother: “Mom, will you buy my gas?”

Mom: *Jokingly* “You have a job; buy your own d*** gas!”

My brother laughed and went on his way to purchase his gift card and fill up his car. 

On Mother’s Day, Mom opened her card from him to find a [Store] gift card for $10 on which he had written, “Happy Mother’s Day. Buy your own d*** flowers.”