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I’m Related To A Celebrity! Get Me Out There!

, , , , , , | Related | October 21, 2020

I wrote this story about my father-in-law’s cousin who is a B-list actor.

Things get MUCH weirder during the global outbreak. My mother-in-law decides to write a bunch of bathroom songs for people to sing while they are washing their hands and she wants my father-in-law’s cousin to promote those songs.

My mother-in-law has always written songs and sung them badly. She is a self-taught musician who has absolutely ZERO understanding of proper music composition. She taught herself how to play the piano and she sounds so bad that a cat walking across piano keys would sound much better.

She decided to release a CD of her bathroom songs. This means that she hooked up a computer microphone to her piano and sang her songs into recording software on her five-year-old desktop computer. Unfortunately, she, my father-in-law, AND my husband are oblivious to the fact that she is a horrible musician.

Mother-In-Law: “I just sent a CD of my music to [Actor]’s mother. She is going to give it to [Actor] and he is going to get me on Oprah!”

Me: “You do know that the Oprah show ended a bunch of years ago, right? I also don’t think that Oprah is going to be interested in a preschool administrator’s CD of bathroom songs.”

Mother-In-Law: “I know that Oprah hasn’t been on TV in years, but [Actor] will make her start her show again so I can go on it to promote my music!”

Me: “Are you delusional? There is no way that Oprah is going to restart her show just because a B-list movie actor tells her to promote his cousin-in-law’s CD of bathroom songs!”

Mother-In-Law: “But I know that [Actor] is going to get me my big break in the music business! I am a fantastic musician and I have just had some bad breaks while trying to get my music published.”

Me: “You wrote songs for adults to sing in the bathroom while they are washing their hands. No sane adult is going to buy a CD of that!”

Mother-In-Law: “It is a new concept and people aren’t familiar with it, but they will understand it after I go on Oprah and show the world how much they need bathroom songs!”

Me: “Why are you even bothering [Actor]’s ninety-five-year-old mother with your bathroom songs, anyway? She is old; please don’t bother her.”

Mother-In-Law: “[Actor] is going to love my bathroom songs! I need him to get my break in the music business!”

I dropped it after that, but my in-laws STILL don’t see how horrible a musician my mother-in-law is and that no sane person is going to give her a break in the music business.

I’m Related To A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here!

Junior Maid Causing Major Problems

, , , , | Related | CREDIT: msfinch87 | October 18, 2020

I am getting married. My partner and I decide to ask his niece to be a junior bridesmaid so as to avoid problems with family politics. The first sign of drama was when her mother, my sister-in-law, suggested that I make her my “Junior Maid of Honour”, because she had a “special relationship” with me, more so apparently than the other junior bridesmaids. This was news to me, and WTF even is that?!

Then I was asked to give her a “job” to do so she felt important. I wasn’t keen on this because of the added complexity but nevertheless figured something out to avoid problems.

A couple of months down the track when nothing had been done I queried it and was told that she was completely overwhelmed and suffering extreme anxiety and the burden I had placed on her was unfair. The job? Choosing from a selection of three different earrings for the junior bridesmaids, which I had confirmed with her mother was appropriate before asking.

I apologised (with a lot of eye-rolling) and withdrew the “job”. I was then accused of not making her feel important enough.

I was then asked by my sister-in-law if I could arrange to have robes for my bridesmaids because her daughter wanted them, and it was specified to me what slogan should be on them.

I was livid and refused, but was then told that my sister-in-law would buy one for (only) her daughter if I wouldn’t do it. So I went out and organised the robes so I wasn’t faced with a situation of two other little girls sobbing because they missed out and that brat prancing around rubbing their noses in it, and also so I didn’t end up with a tacky slogan designed by an eleven-year-old.

Then we got to the food. His niece wanted McDonald’s at the reception. I explained that this would not be possible, that the restaurant would not allow external food to be brought in, and frankly, neither would I because unless a guest has a medical issue it’s just downright rude.

I was told that she had to be allowed to get McDonald’s because that’s all she’ll eat and she couldn’t go hungry. I told her it simply wasn’t possible. My sister-in-law then threatened not to attend the wedding if we wouldn’t accommodate her daughter.

I removed them from the bridal party and told them where to go. The response? “So what are you going to do about the food?”

She’s told that there is no room to move on the food and to deal with it herself. She’s also been told not to sabotage it for the other junior bridesmaids, which is something I am worried about now that she will see her daughter is actually excluded from the whole thing.

I doubt they will come, and I don’t think she had any intention of attending unless her daughter could be the centre of attention. It really is like her daughter is the bride with all the demands.

Cauliberries! Berriflower?

, , , , , | Related | October 15, 2020

My mother-in-law is a bit of an odd duck.

Mother-In-Law: “[My Name], would you like some fresh raspberries? We grew them in our garden.”

Me: “Ooh, yes, please! I love raspberries.”

Mother-In-Law: “Here you go.”

She passes me a Tupperware container. I open it and see cauliflower.

Me: “Um, [Mother-In-Law], this is the wrong one.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, it’s the right one. The raspberries are on the bottom. Just dig for them.”

Me: “…”

In case you’re wondering, cauliflower and raspberries do NOT mix. The berries had a weird taste.

Body-Shaming Adults Is So 2005

, , , , , | Related | September 29, 2020

My mother-in-law calls me one afternoon shortly after my first child is born. I am exhausted and just want to sleep but I know if I don’t answer, she will either keep calling or come over.

Me: *Heavy sigh* “Hello?”

Mother-In-Law: “Do you really think it’s appropriate to show off your body like that?”

Me: *Looking down at my post-baby body* “What?”

Mother-In-Law: “The video you posted yesterday on [Social Media #1].”

My husband and I did a time-lapse video of my body changing week to week. I start at one end of our living room and move toward the couch wearing different sports bras and yoga pants each week. This means my growing bump is front and center. At the end, I’m passed out on the couch wearing a tank top and sweatpants with my baby sleeping on my chest.

Me: *Sigh* “[Mother-In-Law], I’m very tired. Can you please get to the point?”

Mother-In-Law: “I don’t think it’s appropriate to show your body like that. There are perverts everywhere.”

Me: “My page is private. If one of my friends gets off on my stretch marks, that’s not my problem, nor is it your business.”

Mother-In-Law: *Tuts* “Disgusting. I wonder how your son is going to feel when he grows up and sees that.”

Me: “He’ll be embarrassed by his mother, like all kids. If that’s all—”

Mother-In-Law: “You need to take that down.”

Me: “No.”

Mother-In-Law: “Take it down!”

I hang up and turn off my ringer. She calls three times over the next hour, but I don’t answer. The next morning, she walks in the front door, not even bothering to knock.

Husband: “Mom?”

Mother-In-Law: “Look, I was polite yesterday—”

Me: “No, you weren’t.”

Husband: “What is going on?”

Mother-In-Law:She is attracting the wrong kind of attention with her body.”

Me: “Your mom is offended by our time-lapse video.”

Husband: “Why?”

Mother: “It’s disgusting.”

Me: “Have you looked at [Her Daughter] on [Social Media #2]?”

Mother: *Faltering* “She— She doesn’t have one.”

Me: “She does.”

I pull up [Social Media #1] and go to [Her Daughter]’s page. One of the latests posts mentions her account on [Social Media #2]. I go to [Social Media #2] and scroll through videos of her fifteen-year-old daughter lip syncing to popular songs in bikinis, shaking her butt in cheeky underwear, and slowly licking lollipops. She has nearly 2,000 followers.

My husband sits down beside me, sees the videos, and jumps up immediately.

Husband: “Mom, what the h*** is this?”

Me: “It’s child pornography.”

Mother-In-Law: “It is not!”

Me: “She’s exposing more of her body in any one of these videos than I am in mine. You should ask her about this, too.”

I point to comments that should never be said to a stranger, let alone an underage child.

[Mother-In-Law] left without another word, and within an hour, [Her Daughter] had no [Social Media #1]. I haven’t heard a word about my video since. I felt bad for [Her Daughter], but maybe [Mother-In-Law] should have paid attention to her own children’s Internet activity more than mine.

Best Not To Pursue This Younique Vector, Part 2

, , , | Related | September 21, 2020

In late 2019, I lose my job to downsizing. While my husband and I are out shopping shortly thereafter, his mother calls.

Husband: “Hello?” *Pause* “Hang on.”

He puts the phone on loudspeaker and turns the volume down.

Husband: “What’s going on?”

Mother-In-Law: “I just went by your house.”

She lives over an hour away, so showing up out of the blue is uncommon.

Husband: “Any particular reason?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, I just wanted to tell you about the great deal [Multi-Level Marketing Company] has right now!”

She has been in this MLM for nearly twenty years. She will “recruit” when there are rewards she wants and then harass her recruits into finding more people so she gets greater rewards. We made the mistake of enrolling about ten years ago but cancelled after a few months of her harassing us about “not wanting to build a business.”

Husband: “No, thanks.”

Mother-On-Law: “But you enrolled before!”

Husband: “And unenrolled. We aren’t interested.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, how long will you be out? Are you coming home soon?”

Husband: “We are not interested.”

Mother-In-Law: “[My Name] could do it; she doesn’t have a job. It’s easy!”

Husband: “Mom. Listen to me. The answer is no. Never again.”

My mother-in-law growls and hangs up.

Me: “Is she serious?”

Husband: *Sigh* “Oh, probably.”

The next day, she texts me.

Mother-In-Law: “You liked [Multi-Level Marketing Company] products, right? They’re so much better for you than grocery store products!”

Me: “I’m not enrolling again.”

I get no answer.

A week passes without a word from her. Then, a package with [Multi-Level Marketing Company] on the box, in my name, is delivered to our front porch. My husband calls his mom, but she doesn’t answer. At the same time, I call [Multi-Level Marketing Company] directly, not willing to give [Mother-In-Law] a chance to explain. The representative is incredibly cheerful for the entire conversation.

Representative: “Hi there, thank you for calling [Multi-Level Marketing Company]. My name is [Representative]. What should I call you?”

Me: “Um… [My Name].”

Representative: “Hello, [My Name]! How can I help you?”

Me: “I, uh, I got a package from your company but I never signed up for anything.”

Representative: “Hmm. Let me take a look here. Could I verify your info?”

I give my name, phone number, and address.

Representative: “Okay, it looks like you just enrolled. Congratulations!”

Me: “No, see, I didn’t enroll. I’ve said no to [Mother-In-Law] so many times I’ve lost count.”

Representative: “Oh. Well, it says on my computer that [Mother-In-Law] enrolled you four days ago. If you’re having second thoughts about your products, we can discuss crediting your account—”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry. I know you’re just doing your job, but I definitely did not enroll. If you have an account in my name — which you clearly do — it is fraudulent.”

Representative: *Less cheerful* “Oh. That’s pretty serious. Um, let me put you on hold. Okay?”

Me: “Okay.”

Several minutes pass. Call waiting shows that my mother-in-law is now trying to call me. I reject her call.

Representative: “[My Name]? Thank you for holding. I spoke with your enroller and my supervisor and… well… I’m not sure how I can help you.”

Me: “You can cancel that account or—”

Representative: “Are you sure you don’t want to just give it a try for a few months?”

Me: “No. Close it now or I will file a lawsuit against [Multi-Level Marketing Company] for allowing someone to open an account in my name without my consent.”

I have no idea if this is actually possible or if I’m just talking out my a**.

Representative: “But you’ll miss out on—”

Me: “Now.”

My mother-in-law calls again and I reject it.

Representative: *Heavy sigh* “All right. I’ll send the cancellation forms. We have [email] on file.”

The email address is my mother-in-law’s full name.

Me: *Stressed laugh* “No. Use [my email], please.”

Representative: “Okay. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you.”

Me: *Relieved* “Thank you. I’m sorry you’re the one who picked up my call. I appreciate your help.”

A moment later, the email came through. My mother-in-law called for a third time and I rejected her again. I sent the forms back and “my” account was cancelled that same day.

I told my husband what she had done and what I had done in return. He sent her a string of furious texts, saying that he could not believe she would go behind our backs like that, threatening identity theft charges, and telling her that we would seek a restraining order if she even so much as mentioned [Multi-Level Marketing Company] around us again. She replied with one message saying we were ungrateful and closed-minded and that she would block both our numbers.

Best Not To Pursue This Younique Vector