My husband and I work for different companies, but both are overly motivating and overly praising. Whenever someone does something, it gets met with praise. While I know a lot of people appreciate getting some sort of recognition, my husband and I are tired of getting praised as if we’ve solved world hunger after handing in an assignment or bringing a cup of coffee. I know a lot of companies don’t care for their employees, so I know I sound like a spoiled person. 

This has resulted in us playfully mocking each other whenever one of us does something small. We have the same type of humor, so neither is offended by it. 

One day, we visit my mother-in-law. Her husband is working in the garden. Everything goes calmly, and my husband decides to get up and get a cup of tea. As a force of habit, I blurt out:

Me: “I believe in you! Go for it! I’m proud of you!”

I do say this kind of deadpan, and my mother-in-law looks up with a serious expression. 

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, you say this often?”

Me: “Oh, eh, sorry, force of habit.”

I think she is joking or even reprimanding me. 

Mother-In-Law: “Do they do this at your home, as well? Do your parents support each other so much?”

Me: “My parents? Nah, it’s just something between us.”

Mother-In-Law: “I can’t remember when my husband praised me… nor when I praised him!”

I realize my mother-in-law is serious. She gets up and walks out to her husband. 

Mother-In-Law: “I just wanted to say you did a great job in the garden. I’m proud of you!”

Father-In-Law: “Eh… thanks?”

My father-in-law looks at my mother-in-law, bewildered, and my mother-in-law sits down again. 

Mother-In-Law: “I should do that more often.”

Glad to be of service?

For my mother- and father-in-law’s thirtieth anniversary, my husband and his siblings all chipped in to get them a seven-day cruise in a nice room with a balcony — very expensive! The kids have always had a rough relationship with their mother, but now that everyone has moved out, she has been more invested in staying connected.

Mother-In-Law: “This is wonderful! I can’t wait!”

Father-In-Law: “Thank you all.”

[Mother-In-Law] walks off, already on her phone.

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, a cruise! How sweet of them.” *Pauses* “Oh I don’t think that’s a problem. Let me see. [Father-In-Law], what do you think about [Woman] coming on the cruise?”

Father-In-Law: “Sure. That’s fine.”

Mother-In-Law: “What do you guys think?”

The kids all nod, not knowing who this woman is.

Mother-In-Law: “Great!”

We all leave, happy that they are happy. A few weeks before the cruise, [Mother-In-Law] sends a mass text to everyone involved in purchasing her cruise ticket.

Mother-In-Law: “[Woman] wants to know what her room number is.”

Sibling #1: “It probably isn’t assigned yet.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, okay. She is so excited! She’s bringing her kids and her parents.”

Husband: “We’re glad you’re going to have fun!”

On the day of the cruise, there’s another text from [Mother-In-Law]. 

Mother-In-Law: “They can’t find [Woman]’s reservation. What is the confirmation number?”

Sibling #2: “It should be in the email.”

Mother-In-Law: “What email?”

Sibling #2: “From the cruise line.”

Mother-In-Law: “She never got one.”

Husband: “When did she book?”

Mother-In-Law: “It was whenever you booked for her.”

Sibling #1: “Why would we do that?”

Husband: “We aren’t paying for a whole random family to go on a cruise. You’re joking.”

[Mother-In-Law] calls [Husband]. 

Mother-In-Law: “I asked if they could come along, and you all said yes!”

Husband: “…Because they can go, but we aren’t paying for it. We never said we would, and you never asked in the first place.”

Mother-In-Law: “This is so embarrassing. I was trying to take my friend on a nice, relaxing trip, and now she can’t go?!”

Husband: “I don’t know what to tell you, Mom. We never said we would pay for them.”

Mother-In-Law: “This is ridiculous!”

She hung up. Her friend and family could not get on the cruise because it was all booked.

That was the last time my husband and his siblings did anything nice for his parents. [Father-In-Law] was grateful for the vacation, though he was stuck on a boat with an ungrateful woman for a week. They divorced a few years later.

My mother-in-law is the type that takes forever to learn new things, but once she does learn something, she NEVER forgets it — for better or for worse. I get this call from her because my wife’s out at the store, and she refuses to use our cell phones because “the house phone is fine.”

Mother-In-Law: “My TV remote isn’t working!”

Me: “Please define ‘isn’t working’. Is the little light flashing when you hit buttons?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, the batteries are fine, but I hit the top button and nothing happens to the TV.”

I know that her remote has a big “on” button that goes across the entire top/front of the remote, so I know what she means. We try some basic troubleshooting, but nothing works.

Me: “Yeah, that’s weird. Did you change the batteries or anything else?”

Mother-In-Law: “No! It was working before the man came earlier, and now it’s not!”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘the man came earlier’?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, the cable company had some new thing they upgraded — don’t worry, I made sure it wasn’t changing my bill first — but when he set it all up, he made it work, but now I can’t!”

Me: “The thing he set up, was it a new cable box?”

Mother-In-Law: “I think so? The thing with the clock.”

Me: “Yeah, the um, the thing with the clock. Is this a new remote, as well?”

Mother-In-Law: “I don’t know!”

Me: “Tell me something, Mom, is there one big button across the top, or are there a few of them?”

Mother-In-Law: “I’m hitting the top button!”

Me: “Is there one button, or are there a few?”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, there’s a few, but I’m hitting the top one!”

Me: “Okay, just humor me. Is one of the buttons red?”

Mother-In-Law: “Hang on… Yes, there’s a red one.”

Me: “Hit the red one, please.”

Mother-In-Law: “That’s not the top one!”

Me: “I know, but this is a different remote. Please hit the red one.”

There’s a pause.

Mother-In-Law: “The TV turned on?! Why did the TV turn on?! That’s not the power button!”

Me: “It is now, Mom. You’ll have to get used to it.”

Mother-In-Law: “I’m calling the cable company.”

Me: “W… Why?”

Mother-In-Law: “They sent me a broken remote! The wrong button is turning it on!”

Me: “No, Mom, it’s, it’s just different…”

I was still on the phone with her twenty minutes later when my wife got home, and I handed it off to her with a fifteen-second explanation. Thankfully, [Mother-In-Law] never got around to demanding that we drive the two hours back to her to “fix it” for her — this time.

My brother-in-law is a haughty jerk with no sense of humor. He purposefully surrounds himself with people who he feels are “lesser” than him in both looks and education to make himself feel superior. If you do something better than him, he throws a hissy fit. If you do anything silly or fun, he throws a hissy fit. If you are not 100% literal, he throws a hissy fit.

My husband invites him and their sister to my family’s cabin for the long weekend on the condition that they drive themselves there. The only reason his brother is invited is that he lives with my sister-in-law, and I want her and her new dog to enjoy the cabin. I give my husband some pretty detailed instructions on how to get there that I have provided friends.

These instructions have screenshots of landmarks and mile markers and road numbers in addition to some “fluff” which is basically, “You will know you have gone too far if…” along with people along the way who can help them get back on track. I have had several friends use these instructions, and they have had no problem getting there and even got a kick out of them.

It is important to note that I tell my husband NOT to give these instructions to his brother when I send them his way. It is just so he can answer questions that their sister may have. It will become apparent why in a minute.

Husband: “So, [Brother-In-Law] wants to know what is with all the ‘fluff’ in the instructions you gave him?”

Me: “I didn’t give him any instructions, but what is his problem?”

Husband: “He just thinks they aren’t very detailed instructions and more like someone’s creative writing project.”

Me: “Yeah, well, he has no sense of humor or love of literature.”

Husband: “I mean, what is with the comment, ‘If you go too far, congratulations; you just hit the North gate and avoided that fun ride’?”

Me: *Getting annoyed* “Why doesn’t he just MapQuest the address and go down the North road to figure it out for himself? Like the instructions say two bullets above, the road in that direction is very rocky, and he won’t have a key to get in, but hey! He can walk the rest of the way if he doesn’t like them.”

Husband: “I get that, but he also doesn’t understand why you included [Family Friend] as a point of contact.”

Me: “Because the instructions on [Family Friend] having Internet access to call if you go too far down [Road] isn’t clear enough?”

Husband: “Fine, but what about…”

Me: “I am going to stop you right there. I don’t care what he thinks of the instructions.”

Husband: “But he needs to know how to get there, and this is just confusing him!”

Me: *Becoming amused* “No, that jackal does not need to know where to go. He is just going to have [Sister] drive the entire thing while he sits there playing on his Switch. All I care about is her knowing where to go, and I have faith in her being able to follow basic instructions.”

Husband: “But he should still know to help her navigate!”

Me: “Isn’t this the same man who had a tantrum because I had the audacity to send him a picture of an old recipe that said a ‘pinch of salt’ because they weren’t exact measurements? Because ‘how was he supposed to know what a pinch of salt meant’?”

(Aside: A “pinch” is an eighth of a teaspoon. It takes two seconds to Google it.)

Husband: “But…”

Me: “Face it. He whines about everything. He cannot take any help without complaining about the most mundane things. He once insisted I made up the word ‘blanching’ because he had never heard of it before. And if he does have a valid concern? Rather than ask meaningful questions or look it up, his first instinct is to blame the other person for not being clearer, like when I instructed him to brown each side of a chicken breast for six to seven minutes, because it could only be one or the other. And according to Food Wars, cooking is an exact science! He once berated me for not measuring out six cups of water for mac and cheese. I have had to try to teach him to cook so many times that I no longer care if instructions make sense to him because I understand that he just likes to be difficult. I care that they make sense to the lady driving. Do the instructions make sense to your sister?”

Husband: “Yes…”

Me: “Does [Sister] have any questions on how to get there?”

Husband: “No.”

Me: “Good. Then f*** what [Brother-In-Law] thinks.”

Not surprisingly, their sister got there just fine with no help from Mr. Your Instructions Are Garbage who just played “Animal Farm” on his Switch for the entire three-hour drive.

My wife’s son and daughter-in-law built a new house in the country not far out of our town, a few miles south. I earned a living as a carpenter shortly after graduating from college with an accounting degree, so because of my skills, [Son] asked me to finish their basement with a family room, bathroom, office, and bedroom, along with putting down an oak floor in the kitchen and dining room area.

[Daughter-In-Law] became a full-line insurance agent. Initially, she had to work under her company’s regional manager. Usually, the first “clients” that are contacted by new agents are family. Yep. We are up.

When we get to [Son]’s house, we are met by [Daughter-In-Law] and the regional manager.

Regional Manager: “[Wife], you are so fortunate to have such a talented son. [Daughter-In-Law] gave me a tour of this house and explained all the things he has done to the house and in the basement and that wonderful shop that he built. I have to say, I am impressed at the quality of work for an amateur.”

I bit my tongue and didn’t say a word to refute that and reveal that her son had no skill and was my gopher. Her daughter-in-law only agreed, and my wife just smiled.

At the time. I was irked at my wife for not speaking up about who really did all the work. I laugh about it now because I still have my skills, and her son still does not know how to use a coping saw.