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This Story Will Haunt You Forever

, , , , , , | Related | June 6, 2017

(One year while my husband’s younger brother, a big guy in his 30s, is down visiting us in Florida, he expresses an interest in going to the Halloween event at a big theme park. Leading up to it, he jeers and laughs and rolls his eyes at how corny all the advertising is and brags about how he’s not scared of anything. We all get along very well and like to joke with and tease one another in a friendly way. I can’t help but notice as we walk up to the first haunted house of the event that he seems a little less braggy that evening. He’s right behind me in line, and, sure enough, he has my shoulders in a death-grip the entire time. This repeats through every house for the night. He never makes a sound, but I can feel him flinching and jumping, even though whenever we come out of a house, he rolls his eyes and laughs at it. The next day, we’re at the hotel bar on resort property and he’s flirting with a woman who seems pretty into him.)

Woman: “So did you go to the Halloween event last night?”

Brother-In-Law: “Yeah. It was fun, but it wasn’t even scary.”

Husband: “You seemed pretty freaked out to me, dude.”

Brother-In-Law: *scoff* “How would you know? I was behind [My Name] all night. I was fine.”

(Wordlessly, I roll up the sleeves of my t-shirt to show my shoulders… where each one has five matching, tiny, fingertip bruises from where he was clinging to me.)

Me: “These are not the marks of a fearless man, sweetheart.”

(He blushed red right up to his hairline, and we all shared a good-natured laugh. I guess the woman he was flirting with thought that was cute, too, so he still got her number. Hopefully, she can protect him from all those ghosties and zombies out there!)

This story is part of our Haunted Houses roundup!

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This List Is Full Of Hot Air

, , , , , | Related | March 24, 2014

(My mother-in-law offers to go to the grocery store for everyone.)

Mother-In-Law: *reading list* “Okay, sandwich stuff, bread…. fart juice? What in the world is fart juice?”

Spouse: “Jeez, Mom. Fruit juice!”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, your handwriting is awful!”

Spouse: “Well, you’re the one who read a shopping list and got fart juice out of it! Why would your mind even go there? What the heck is fart juice anyway?”

Me: “I… don’t want to know.”

This story is part of our Handwriting roundup!

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My Family And Other (Fake) Animals

, , , | Related | December 3, 2012

(This conversation happens with my now ex-in-laws at their place. We’ve been talking about odd animals and I mention narwhals.)

Wife: “What the h*** is a narwhal?”

Me: “It’s a whale that lives in the polar region with a huge bone spike on its nose, like a unicorn, but bigger and real.”

Wife: “Well I’ve never heard of it. No animal has a horn like a unicorn. You’re just wrong.”

Mother-in-law: “I agree. No animal would have something like that, especially not an animal that lives in the water; there’s just no need for it. You must be mistaken.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll prove I’m not making this up…”

(I hop on the computer and pull pictures and info on the narwhal.)

Wife: “Okay, well maybe you are right, then.”

(At this point my grandmother-in-law walks over.)

Grandmother-in-law: “Are they pictures of the sea unicorns?”

Me: “Thank you! Someone else who knows about this animal.”

Grandmother-in-law: “Oh, no, honey. They’re not real. They’re make-believe, like unicorns.”

Wife and Mother-in-law: “See! I knew you were wrong!”

Wife: “God, you can be so stupid some times. Believing in fake animals!”

This story is part of our Unicorn roundup!

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Tries To Put His Foot Down But Just Draws Blanks

, , , , , | Related Right | March 22, 2010

Customer: “I need a card.”

Me: “Okay, what kind of card are you looking for?”

Customer: “It’s for my brother-in-law. He just had his foot amputated.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. We have ‘get well soon’ cards right here.”

Customer: “Well, he’s not really going to get better, is he?”

Me: “Well, we do have sympathy cards over there.”

Customer: “I don’t really like him.”

Me: “What about a blank card? You could write your own message?”

Customer: “You mean a card with nothing in it?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what blank cards are.”

Customer: “Well I’m not paying for that!” *leaves*

This story is part of the American States roundup!

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