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With Grandpa Just Play Possum

, , , | Related | June 28, 2017

(After getting married, my husband and I moved in with his Grandpa, whom we call Pop, in the country. I am very nervous around him because I don’t want to make him dislike me so I try not to be alone with him. Pop has been nothing but nice and just wants us all to spend time together. Despite this he still kind of scares me. I get home one night from work and my husband isn’t home yet. I get out of my car and see Pop standing in the middle of the garage. It’s pitch black outside except for a flickering light overhead in the garage.)

Me: “Oh, hello, Pop. What are you doing out here?”

(I then notice he is dressed in a suit and fancy jacket.)

Pop: *turns and looks at me* “Ah. Hello.” *holds up a revolver*

(All kinds of things run through my mind. Why is he in the garage? Why does he have a gun? Why a suit? I’m trying not to show I’m scared.)

Me: “Uh, Pop, what’s going on?”

Pop: “Gotta take care of something.”

Me: *backing up to my car slowly* “What kind of something?”

Pop: “Seems an opossum got in here. He won’t leave.”

(Sure enough there was an opossum curled up in the cat bed on a table. I just nodded, white faced, and went inside to wait for my husband who came home soon after. He told me the possum had come in a few days ago; he was probably hurt so it was best to put it out of its misery. As for the suit, Pop had just gotten home from church. But I never did stop being scared of him.)

You’re Being Hysterectical

, , , | Related | June 10, 2017

(Due to health reasons, I had to have a hysterectomy. This is something well-known in my family as it was devastating to me to know I could never carry children. One day I’m talking to my mother-in-law and the topic of adoption comes up.)

Mother-In-Law: “Well, don’t you still make eggs?”

Me: “Yes… But there’s nowhere for them to go… They’d have to do surgery to get them for, like, in-vitro or whatever.”

Mother-In-Law: “What?”

Me: *in disbelief* “Uh. I had a hysterectomy?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yeah but isn’t there like some of it left?”

Me: “No.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well… we’ll just see what God thinks of that.”

Me: “…”

(Yeah. My mother-in-law believes that a complete lack of baby-making parts is just a minor obstacle… WTF.)

This Story Will Haunt You Forever

, , , , , , | Related | June 6, 2017

(One year while my husband’s younger brother, a big guy in his 30s, is down visiting us in Florida, he expresses an interest in going to the Halloween event at a big theme park. Leading up to it, he jeers and laughs and rolls his eyes at how corny all the advertising is and brags about how he’s not scared of anything. We all get along very well and like to joke with and tease one another in a friendly way. I can’t help but notice as we walk up to the first haunted house of the event that he seems a little less braggy that evening. He’s right behind me in line, and, sure enough, he has my shoulders in a death-grip the entire time. This repeats through every house for the night. He never makes a sound, but I can feel him flinching and jumping, even though whenever we come out of a house, he rolls his eyes and laughs at it. The next day, we’re at the hotel bar on resort property and he’s flirting with a woman who seems pretty into him.)

Woman: “So did you go to the Halloween event last night?”

Brother-In-Law: “Yeah. It was fun, but it wasn’t even scary.”

Husband: “You seemed pretty freaked out to me, dude.”

Brother-In-Law: *scoff* “How would you know? I was behind [My Name] all night. I was fine.”

(Wordlessly, I roll up the sleeves of my t-shirt to show my shoulders… where each one has five matching, tiny, fingertip bruises from where he was clinging to me.)

Me: “These are not the marks of a fearless man, sweetheart.”

(He blushed red right up to his hairline, and we all shared a good-natured laugh. I guess the woman he was flirting with thought that was cute, too, so he still got her number. Hopefully, she can protect him from all those ghosties and zombies out there!)


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This List Is Full Of Hot Air

, , , , , | Related | March 24, 2014

(My mother-in-law offers to go to the grocery store for everyone.)

Mother-In-Law: *reading list* “Okay, sandwich stuff, bread…. fart juice? What in the world is fart juice?”

Spouse: “Jeez, Mom. Fruit juice!”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, your handwriting is awful!”

Spouse: “Well, you’re the one who read a shopping list and got fart juice out of it! Why would your mind even go there? What the heck is fart juice anyway?”

Me: “I… don’t want to know.”


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My Family And Other (Fake) Animals

, , , | Related | December 3, 2012

(This conversation happens with my now ex-in-laws at their place. We’ve been talking about odd animals and I mention narwhals.)

Wife: “What the h*** is a narwhal?”

Me: “It’s a whale that lives in the polar region with a huge bone spike on its nose, like a unicorn, but bigger and real.”

Wife: “Well I’ve never heard of it. No animal has a horn like a unicorn. You’re just wrong.”

Mother-in-law: “I agree. No animal would have something like that, especially not an animal that lives in the water; there’s just no need for it. You must be mistaken.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll prove I’m not making this up…”

(I hop on the computer and pull pictures and info on the narwhal.)

Wife: “Okay, well maybe you are right, then.”

(At this point my grandmother-in-law walks over.)

Grandmother-in-law: “Are they pictures of the sea unicorns?”

Me: “Thank you! Someone else who knows about this animal.”

Grandmother-in-law: “Oh, no, honey. They’re not real. They’re make-believe, like unicorns.”

Wife and Mother-in-law: “See! I knew you were wrong!”

Wife: “God, you can be so stupid some times. Believing in fake animals!”


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