(My mother-in-law and I go grocery shopping on the fourth Wednesday of the month because that’s when we get our social security checks. After shopping, we go out to lunch. We’re at the restaurant, finishing up lunch, and our waitress has just brought us the check.)

Me: “She’s really nice. We’ve had her before.”

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, she is.”

Me: “I wonder how old she is? Maybe my age?” *pauses* “Nah, I don’t think she’s that old.”

Mother-In-Law: *looks at me with a funny smile on her face*

Me: “Did I really just say that?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yep, you did.”

(At least I was able to laugh at myself over it. For the record, I’m 46. I don’t really consider that old.)

(My husband, our toddler, and I are visiting my husband’s mom and step-dad on Christmas Eve. My son knows a lot of words for his age, even some considered harder for his age, but only seems to use them when he thinks absolutely necessary.)

Son: *says something in gibberish to my mother-in-law* “Okay?”

Mother-In-Law: *looks at me expectantly* “And what was that he said?”

Me: *shrugs* “No clue, because it was all babble except the ‘okay.’”

Husband: *chuckles* “Yeah, sometimes [Son] does that, but he can speak in short sentences when he wants to. It’s usually three or four words, but he gets his point across.”

Mother-In-Law: *snottily* “If you say so, but it could be a delay.”

Me: *irritably* “I do say so, and he’s fine.”

(She makes a disapproving noise, and I just roll my eyes and ignore it. Later, as we’re eating, I offer my son a bite of my baked potato.)

Son: *pushing the fork away* “No ‘tato!”

Husband: “See? He just said, ‘No potato.’”

(I can tell my mother-in-law is going to make a snide remark, but before she can get the words out, my husband’s step-dad offers some of his ham to my son.)

Step-Dad: *cheerfully* “Here, [Son]! Why don’t you have a bite of Pawpaw’s ham?”

(My son holds up one hand to reject the offer.)

Son: *loudly and perfectly clear* “I’d rather not.”

(My husband, his step-dad, and I all burst out laughing, but my mother-in-law got a very sour look on her face and pouted for the rest of the afternoon.)

My mother-in-law went to the eye doctor today and was looking at new frames. She’d picked out five or six frames to try, and suddenly she didn’t know where her glasses were.

It didn’t take her long until she’d realized she’d put her glasses on one of the spots where the sample frames were. It took her and another customer a few minutes to find them.

We all had a good laugh about it at dinner.

(My husband and I are having lunch with his elderly parents and their friend at a small, family-owned Chinese restaurant. This restaurant is noted for using reusable chopsticks — more on that later in the story. The purpose of the lunch is for me to help their friend get her cable bill lowered. I have worked various call center and debt collection jobs over the years, so I am very good at negotiating with these companies. Although this friend is in her 60s, she has been very sheltered her entire life and doesn’t understand much about the world. Her husband also left her a very significant sum of money when he died.)

Me: *to friend* “All you have to do is tell the cable company that you are an elderly widow on a fixed income and that you are having a little bit of trouble paying the bill.”

Parents’ Friend: “But that is a lie! My mama always taught me that you tell the truth at all times!”

Me: “It’s not a lie: you are an elderly widow who is on a fixed income.”

Parents’ Friend: “But a white lie is still a lie!”

(The restaurant owner has brought out our food. My husband and I both ask for chopsticks because we spent a lot of time in Asia while he was in the military and we both love chopsticks. Much to our surprise, the in-law’s friend decides to ask for chopsticks.)

Me: “I didn’t know that you learned how to use chopsticks?”

Parents’ Friend: “No, I’m not going to eat with them; I want them to use as a pokey stick for a sewing project that I am working on.”

(The restaurant owner hands us the chopsticks.)

Me: “You know those are reusable…”

Parents’ Friend: “But I want them!”

Me: “Uh… no. I’m not going to let you steal from a restaurant that [Husband] and I go to all the time!”

Parents’ Friend: “But my sewing book says to use a chopstick to poke out the corner of a seam!”

Me: “You still can’t take them!” *this sheltered old lady looks like she is about to cry* “Anyway, how is taking something from a small business any different than telling a borderline white lie to one of the biggest cable television providers in America?”

(My mother-in-law, who I really don’t get along with, decides to pipe in.)

Mother-In-Law: “Why can’t you let [Friend] just take the chopsticks? You know she has depression!”

Me: “Yeah, and I have Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Asperger’s Syndrome, and ADD. So, your point is? Mental illness isn’t an excuse for stealing! Plus, if she has enough money to continue paying her cable bill, she definitely has enough money to go [Major Retailer] and buy one of those sticks for $5! I will not allow her to embarrass [Husband] and me at a restaurant that we go to all the time!”

Mother-In-Law: “But she needs it for sewing!”

Me: “And that matters why?”

(My mother-in-law then looked like she was about to cuss me out and stood up. I stood up also. My father-in-law decided to ask for the check and ushered his wife and their friend out of the restaurant. When my husband and I got out to the car, we both said that his parents’ friend shouldn’t be living independently because her decision-making is so poor.)

(My mother-in-law has popped by for a visit and to drop off some things. I’m not in the best mood and she notices.)

Mother-In-Law: “Is [My Name] okay? She’s usually much more bubbly and talkative.”

Wife: “It’s… been a rough few weeks.”

Mother-In-Law: “Yeah, the holidays can be rough. At least they’re over now.”

(My wife and I share a look.)

Me: “Not just the holidays, though those were a huge part of it. We had to kick [Ex-Roommate] out over the weekend. They had money problems earlier in the year but they were keeping the house clean, so it was fine for a while, but then they stopped doing that, too.”

Wife: “And they for some reason really had a problem with [My Name] but every time we tried to talk to them about it, they just got hostile and angry. We even have screenshots to prove it.”

(Reads a few messages off.)

Mother-In-Law: “Geez, I’d be in a bad mood after all that, too.”

Me: “Oh, there’s more.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, no.”

Wife: “Apparently some important health insurance forms never got mailed to us, so [My Name] doesn’t have health insurance for a few weeks while that gets sorted, so we can’t refill her meds. Or go to that specialist next week that we had to fight all year to finally get a referral for.”

Me: “And we were so broke over the holidays we could only afford to give each other a single gift this year, and nothing for anyone else, which my family got mad about. I managed to find two nice things on clearance for [Wife] that were under budget together, but one of them was defective and the other package was stolen off the porch. Since they were both clearance items, no returns, refunds, or exchanges.”

Wife: “And one of the problems we had with [Ex-Roommate] is that [My Name] made them a hat for their birthday and when she gave it to them, [Ex-Roommate]’s response was ‘where would I ever go to wear this?!’ and left it when they moved out. [Ex-Roommate] is also going around telling their friends that we’re horrible people for kicking them out right after their birthday, even though we let them live here for free for three months.”

Mother-In-Law: “I thought [Ex-Roommate] had a second job now?”

Wife: “Yeah, that’s why we got firm about rent. We told them they had to start paying us rent again since they could afford it now and the next day they showed up with a truck and hauled their stuff to their parents’ place. On top of all that, you know about the issues I’m having with my work managers, so I’m looking for another job but nothing is hiring. All this has happened within the last week-and-a-half, so neither of us are in the best of moods right now.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, YEAH, you guys have had a h*** of a time. I wouldn’t be in a good mood either after all that. Geez, what else could happen?”

Me: *thin smile* “Yesterday I got summoned for Jury Duty.”

(My mother-in-law must have sensed I was at my wit’s end because she canceled her plans so she could take us out to dinner instead. Much to my embarrassment, her offer made me burst into tears and we had to wait for me to calm down to go. I’m so glad the holidays are over!)