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A Tip For Getting Rid Of Your In-Laws

, , , | Related | August 22, 2017

(This story takes place a few years after my wife and I get married. We go out to a restaurant for her birthday with her sisters, mother, uncle, and a cousin. We go to a very well-known Italian restaurant where our server is a delight. After we get the check and I put down the tip, I talk to one of my wife’s uncles for a bit. When I turn back, the tip money is gone and my wife looks like she’s embarrassed.)

Me: “Huh, I didn’t see the server pass by.”

Sister-In-Law: “He didn’t…”

Me: “He didn’t? Then where did the 27 dollars go?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, that? I have it here.”

Me: “Why?”

Mother-In-Law: “Because tipping is a scam.”

Uncle: “Oh boy, here we go…”

Me: “What? How is it a scam? He gave us excellent service and had our food out fast.”

Mother-In-Law: “That’s their job. You don’t pay them for doing their job well. They’ll probably just waste it on drugs or something else.”

(At this point I’m shocked at how she’s acting. This is a sweet woman who has never said anything like this before. I look to my wife and she’s keeping her head down.)

Me: “That’s not for you to decide. It’s my money, and if I want to give it to him then that’s my choice. Put it back.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, I won’t let you fall for their scam.”

Me: “Mrs. [Mother-In-Law], I worked as a server before I married [Wife], and I promise you it’s no scam. Now, please put the money back or give it back to me.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, if you want to throw away your money, then I’ll be more than happy to take it.”

Me: “Okay, if that’s the case, then you keep the money, but you’re going to pay for your own meal.”

(At this she seemed to get startled then she started to mumble under her breath. She glared at me as she tossed the money onto the table; a few bills short, and announced that she was going to wait by the car. As she did that my wife, her sisters, and her uncle all breathed a sigh of relief.)

Uncle: “Thank God someone finally told her off. She’s been like that since we were children.”

Sister-In-Law: “Anytime we told her anything she’d scold us for being gullible.”

(They each put five dollars on top of the tip as well. My mother-in-law refused to eat at restaurants with us after that, and my wife thanked me for finally doing what she was always afraid to.)

That’s Not How You Kill Bill

, , | Related | August 21, 2017

(My husband always calls my mother-in-law at least three times a week since she lives so far away. He is usually met with the answering machine and always leaves a message. My mother-in-law calls on Thursday.)

Mother-In-Law: “You never call and always ignore me and leave me out of your life.”

Husband: “I call all the time and leave messages because you are never home.”

Mother-In-Law: “My house phone isn’t working.”

Husband: “I wasn’t aware.”

Mother-In-Law: “Since the handset isn’t working I don’t need to pay my bill.”

Me: *face-palm*

I’ll Remember To Remember

, , , | Related | July 21, 2017

(We are forever having problems with my nearly 80-year-old in-laws and their inability to remember anything. Whilst it’s been medically stated they don’t suffer from Alzheimers, I don’t quite believe it. This is one of many, many instances. We’ve asked them to come round and babysit on a Sunday night. They were asked on the Friday before and agreed it was fine and that they’d written it in their calendar. I get a phone call on Saturday morning, and after the initial pleasantries:)

Mother-In-Law: “I’m just phoning to check what time you want us round. I’m sure you want us to babysit tonight. What time would you like us?”

Me: “No, it’s not tonight. It’s for Sunday night at seven pm. You said you wrote it in your calendar.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, okay, I’ll write it down again now. So you want us tomorrow at seven pm?”

Me: “Yes, that’s right. See you tomorrow.”

(Come seven pm that evening, still Saturday, they turn up with their dog, knock on the door, and then come in as they usually do when they visit to stay. I stand there looking puzzled and eventually…)

Me: “Erm, have you just popped round for a quick visit? Would you like a cuppa or anything?”

In-Laws: “We’re here to babysit… aren’t we? It’s for tonight, isn’t it?”

Me: “No, you’ve got it wrong, I’m afraid. Babysitting is for tomorrow night. You did write it down twice!”

(They then quickly left looking suitably embarrassed. The next day, I got a call in the afternoon asking if that evening is when they are needed to babysit and at what time! They generally laughed it off and put it down to old age, but it does worry me as they help out a lot with collecting our kids from school, etc. and it can only be a matter of time before something goes wrong. They won’t talk about it seriously, though, and think writing things down helps. Well, it would if they read them afterwards!)

Home Is Where The Heartbreak Is

, , , , , | Related | July 13, 2017

(I just had my first child and have moved to a rented townhouse in a seaside suburb. My mother has brought my mother-in-law for her first visit to see the new baby. My mother-in-law has always lived in the public housing system with low subsided rents and most of her daughters do as well. She believes that I had a privileged upbringing while in fact my parents worked hard for what they had and taught the principles to me. Her first husband was abusive and violent. Just before I left hospital I had to have a deep vein blood test, which was painful and left prominent bruising, including finger marks where the doctor was firmly holding my arm still.)

Mother-In-Law: *looking at our small but nice townhouse* “How much does this cost?”

Me: “The rent is $[amount] a week.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, you should be in [Public Housing]. The rent is much cheaper.”

Me: “We don’t qualify. [Husband] earns too much.”

Mother-In-Law: “This is what you do. You go down to [Housing Department] and you tell them that you’ve left [Husband] because he’s abusing you” *my mother and I are both looking at her in shock* “You’ll get emergency housing right away and then he can move back in with you in a few months”.”

Me: *calmly rolling up my sleeve* “I guess I could show them this.”

Mother-In-Law: *her eyes go steely and she shrieks* “DID [HUSBAND] DO THAT TO YOU?!”

Me: *still calm* “No, but you are telling me to tell the authorities that he does.”

Mother-In-Law: *stutters* “I’m just trying to get you and him cheaper housing.”

Me: “We are fine here, thanks.”

(I think I shocked her enough to stop giving such advice to me but not to her own daughters, one of whom was investigated for cheating the public housing system.)

Unable To Pacify Both Of Them

, , , | Related | June 29, 2017

(My son is about five to six months at the time, and has never really taken to a pacifier or soothie. Now that he is teething I try a cold soothie and he somewhat enjoys it. My husband’s parents are over for a visit.)

Son: *crying and being fussy, despite not being hungry*

Father-In-Law: “Looks like he’s teething.”

Me: *goes to kitchen and pull soothie out, puts in in baby’s mouth, seems to calm him down*

(As I sit down next to my husband.)

Father-In-Law: “No! Bad!” *yes, he’s scolding the baby*

(I must have looked shocked and glanced at my husband for help.)

Father-In-Law: “What? Those will mess up his teeth; do your research, [Husband].”

(Meanwhile, when we go visit my family:)

Mom: “Honey, where is [Son]’s pacifier? Why doesn’t he have one?”

Me: “Oh, he has a couple; he just doesn’t really like them.”

Mom: “You know, I’m just trying to make things easier for you.”

(Every time she had him, or he was fussy she’d push a pacifier in his mouth, and give me a triumphant look whenever he took it or fell asleep.)

Me: “There’s​ no winning.”