My mother-in-law likes to give my kids pajamas or clothes for Saint Nicholas Day. This year, she had to mail them. The day before Saint Nicholas day, she sends us a message.

Mother-In-Law: “They didn’t have the size you told me to get for [Oldest Daughter], so I just got them a size smaller.”

Why would you ever buy a kid clothes a size smaller than what they need? We had two outfits that would fit our younger daughter and nothing for the older. My husband ended up making an unplanned trip to the store so both kids could have something to open. I felt like their grandma should pay for the extra clothes we had to buy. She didn’t even apologize.

I am having a conversation with my mother-in-law. I mention that I have just been to the horse races for the first time as an outing with some of my coworkers. To my in-laws, gambling on the horse races is a get-rich-quick scheme.

Mother-In-Law: “So did you win anything?”

Me: “No, I didn’t bet. I only had twenty dollars on me.”

Mother-In-Law: “You should have put the whole lot on a horse.”

Me: “I used it for food and drink.”

Mother-In-Law: “That doesn’t matter; you might have won.”

Me: “But I might not have, and then would have had to go hungry.”

Mother-In-Law: “But you could have won! I remember a time when after I paid all the bills and only had twenty dollars left to buy food for the week. I put it all on a horse and won over two hundred dollars. I was so happy that week that I could afford to feed the family.”

Later, I mention this to my husband. He hates gambling with a passion.

Husband: “And did she say anything about all the times the horse didn’t win?”

It’s Christmas Day and my young nephew has just opened a gift that contained a book. He is not very happy.

Nephew: *In a disgusted tone* “A book?! A book?! A book isn’t a Christmas present! Who gives books as Christmas presents?”

My in-laws think this is hilarious. [Sister-In-Law] is embarrassed; she apologises for her young son and says that she doesn’t know where he got that attitude from.  

Many years later, just before Christmas, my husband’s brother moves in with us. He’s always been quite childish and has been babied all of his life. I notice that the towels he has brought with him are literally rags, they are so worn, so we plan to buy some as part of his gifts, but he buys some himself.

Me: “Oh, you got towels. I had thought about getting them for you at Christmas”

Brother-In-Law: *Gives me a disgusted look* “Towels? Towels aren’t Christmas presents. Who would give towels as Christmas presents?”

Hmm… Me, that’s who. I came from a family that likes to give and receive useful gifts, and now I can guess where my nephew’s attitude came from all those years ago.

My brother-in-law has no behavioural or other issues, apart from being deeply selfish and an idiot. This story is an example of his typical behaviour.

I have two children, ages five and seven. My brother-in-law has convinced himself that he is their favourite person, despite the fact that he never makes any effort with them and they never mention him or have any interest in seeing him.

We’re having a garden party, which my brother-in-law attends. He is sitting around our house, he’s ignoring everyone, watching football on his phone. The next thing I know, he has got an airhorn from somewhere and is dancing around, blasting it in blips.

Brother-In-Law: “Heyyy, champions!”

Me: “Pack it in, will you? We have neighbours.”

He keeps dancing around, ignoring me. 

Brother-In-Law: “Champions, champ-i-ons!”

Thankfully, someone grabs the airhorn off him, and he sits himself back on his phone sulking. I dish up the food and chat and eat. I try to involve him in conversation, but he only looks up from his phone to give a one-word answer.

I set some garden games up for the kids, and some of the adults join in, too. I see [Brother-In-Law] helping my youngest line up a shot with a toy mini golf game. I sit and enjoy watching them. Then, [Brother-In-Law] brings out the airhorn from earlier and puts it up to my youngest’s ears just as they are taking a shot.

Me: “If you even think of pressing that, you will be taking your teeth home in a bag.”

Brother-In-Law: “Yeah… like I was really going to do that.”

Thankfully, his wife dragged him home before long. But who brings an airhorn to a garden party? And who in their right mind aims it that close to a child?

Way before we have kids, my wife, her sister and brother-in-law, and I double-date every month or so. We alternate between couples to choose where we go. My brother-in-law is a bit of an antisocial, selfish pain in the behind, so it is fairer this way.

We are discussing the next event.

Brother-In-Law: “I think we should go back to the races.”

Me: “We went there last time.”

Brother-In-Law: “We had so much fun, though.”

Wife: “It was okay. I’m glad we went, but I don’t think I would rush back.”

Me: “How about [Restaurant]?”

Sister-In-Law: “That’s a bit spicy, isn’t it?”

Wife: “Okay, what about the place next door to it? They serve good food and we could have a few drinks.”

Brother-In-Law: “Err… I might have to be at work that night.”

Sister-In-Law: “You haven’t worked a Saturday in nearly a year. No, that settles it. We will go to [Other Restaurant].”

The day of our date comes around and [Brother-In-Law] is, suddenly and suspiciously, ill the day before and we don’t go. We meet up a few weeks later.

Wife: “Did you want to go somewhere this month?”

Sister-In-Law: “That sounds great.”

Brother-In-Law: “How about the races? You chose last time, so I get to choose.”

Sister-In-Law: “What? No, don’t be daft; we will go to [Other Restaurant]. I’m looking forward to it!”

We did all go, and [Brother-In-Law] sulked the whole time. He was on his phone and spoke to no-one. He complained about the food and service and was just miserable. After that, he was suddenly busy every time we suggested going anywhere and we gave up trying.