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Sweet Dramatic Irony

, , , , | Related | April 26, 2021

My wife’s grandmother is a very opinionated lady. The things she thinks she knows are the only facts there are. She is a lovely lady but hard to get along with.

Mother-In-Law: “Coffee, anyone?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Mother-In-Law: “I forget, how do you take it?”

Me: “Black with a sweetener, please.”

Grandmother-In-Law: “Ha! Sweeteners. Like that will make a difference.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Grandmother-In-Law: “How is not eating a little teaspoon of sugar going to do anything?”

Me: “Not a lot on its own, probably, but—”

Grandmother-In-Law: “Exactly! That’s my point. Waste of time.”

Me: “It won’t do much on its own, but sweetener instead of sugar, low-fat milk, low-fat butter, light cooking in oil instead of fat — they all add up.”

Grandmother-In-Law: “But you don’t need to lose any weight.”

Me: “No, but making little changes that barely impact the taste and are more healthy is an obvious choice for me.”

Grandmother-In-Law: “Well, you keep your ‘obvious choices’ for yourself. I will stick with what I know tastes good. Oh, is that my tea?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, Mom.”

Grandmother-In-Law: “Two sugars?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, Mom.”

Grandmother-In-Law: “Delicious, thank you.”

[Mother-In-Law] hadn’t had sugar in the house for a week, so that was definitely sweetener.

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This Is Why We Call Her The Monster-In-Law

, , , , , | Related | April 20, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: Child Abuse

My husband and I have recently had our first child. I am struggling with major postpartum depression, and my mother-in-law offers to watch our daughter for a few hours so we can have a date night. I am at first reluctant, but she insists and everyone tells me it’ll probably be good for me.

When my daughter is about three months old, we accept my mother-in-law’s offer. When we drop my daughter off, we explain that since she is still so little and young, we don’t let her cry it out and ask them to not do so.

When we go to pick her up afterward, my daughter is near hyperventilating. After further questions, we find out that she had started getting fussy and my mother-in-law didn’t want to deal with it, so she let her cry it out until the point where she was inconsolable. The second my daughter sees me, she whimpers and reaches out for me. I am fuming. 

Me: “We asked you to not let her cry it out. Why didn’t you comfort her?”

Mother-In-Law: “You don’t get to complain about free babysitting. I can do whatever I want when I’m watching her.”  

She continued to make statements like, “Are you sure she’s not colicky?” and “It’s a good thing her crying doesn’t bother you; I would just shut her in a room with a vacuum on.” She never understood why we never took her up on her offers to watch our daughter again or why, for months after, whenever our daughter saw her, she would instantly burst into tears.

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Moonshine Is The Devil’s Drink; Wine Is A Gift From God

, , , , , , | Related | April 12, 2021

My mother-in-law recently bought a house in a small rural town and asked my husband and me to move in with her. She is very religious and has an interesting take on what is moral and what isn’t. Once we get settled in, I decide to learn a bit about the local history.

Me: “And did you know that [Town] used to be called [Name] Tavern? It was known for its moonshine. It’s a shame that there isn’t a bar in town called [Name] Tavern, but since it’s a dry county, I guess that’s out.”

Mother-In-Law: “We have moved into a hotbed of sin and alcoholism! We live in a tavern! How will I ever face my friends again?! They’ll think I’m a dirty liquor lover if they ever find out! Moonshine is the devil’s drink!

My husband then comes out of his office. 

Husband: “Hey, [My Name], do you feel like driving to [Neighboring Town] and getting us some wine to go with the steaks tonight?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, get me a good Pinot Grigio while you’re there. I’m almost out.”

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Girls Don’t Fart; They Just Explode When They’re Forty

, , , , , , , | Related | April 5, 2021

My sister-in-law has recently started a new job. She and I generally get along, even though she can be a little… odd sometimes. She has a set of rules that she enforces with my niece and nephew. Some make sense; others do not, as you will see.

To help her out, I offer to watch my niece while she works until she is old enough to go to school in a few months’ time. I absolutely adore my niece so I am delighted to get to spend more time with her.

Things seem to go well… or so I thought. My sister-in-law calls and says she’d like to talk to me about something. I suggest she swing by after she finishes work. She agrees.

I’m a little nervous since she sounded a little angry on the phone. I wonder what I could have done wrong. As far as I know, I’ve followed her rules, such as limiting screen time, not letting her watch certain shows, like Spongebob — she thinks the show is inappropriate for children — and not giving my niece too many sweets, etc.

When she arrives, my sister-in-law looks very grim.

Sister-In-Law: “I need to talk to you about something you did.”

Me: “Something I did?”

Sister-In-Law: “Yes. [Niece] told me that while you were watching a movie you… you…”

She looks deeply uncomfortable for a moment. I am fearful of what she is going to say. What horror could I possibly have committed?

Sister-In-Law: “You… passed wind in front of her!”

Me: “Oh, yes, but don’t worry. I made sure to say, ‘Pardon me.’”

My sister-in-law is a real stickler for making sure my niece and older nephew use their manners, which I 100% agree with and support. Like I said, some of her rules make perfect sense. However, you’re about to see one which does not.

Sister-In-Law: “You’re supposed to go to the toilet and do it!”

Me: “What?”

Sister-In-Law: “Girls don’t… pass wind… in public!”

Me: “I wasn’t in public. I was on my sofa. In my living room. In my house.”

Sister-In-Law: “Well, girls shouldn’t do it in front of people!”

Me: “Why not?”

Sister-In-Law: “I’m not going to have this conversation with you. You should know better! From now on, I must insist that you go to the toilet to do your… your business.”

Me: “I don’t agree with it, but if you’d rather [Niece] do that in the toilet, that’s fine. I’ll make sure she does. She’s your kid, not mine, so you can raise her any way you like. But I’m not about to get up to go to the bathroom just to fart in my own home.”

Sister-In-Law: “What do you mean, you don’t agree with it?”

Me: “You’re teaching her to be ashamed of her body’s natural processes. I notice you never make [Nephew] leave the room.”

Sister-In-Law: “He’s a boy.”

Me: “Why should that matter? Everyone farts. It’s a normal, natural part of the human body. I get you might want to limit that sort of thing in certain places. [Brother] and I were always taught never to fart at the dinner table or in enclosed spaces if we could help it, but otherwise, we were free to ‘pass wind’ wherever we needed to. It’s unhealthy to keep it inside.”

My sister-in-law wasn’t having any of it and kept insisting that it was “improper” and “rude” for girls to fart anywhere except the toilet. She hadn’t mentioned this rule at all when I offered to take care of [Niece], which is odd because she listed every other rule. I guess she just assumed this was a rule that all women followed.

In the end, I told her that if she wanted somebody who would go off into another room to “pass wind,” she should start looking for a babysitter or a nanny or something. At this, [Sister-In-Law] relented, but she wasn’t happy about it.

I told [Brother] about it and he said he’d talk to her about it. He had no idea she had been making [Niece] leave the room to fart.

[Niece] continued to come and stay with me, and [Sister-In-Law] didn’t insist that she had to leave the room to pass gas, so maybe [Brother] was able to talk some sense into her.

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Racism Is Not On The Menu, Part 2

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: commonControlledmess | March 25, 2021

My mother-in-law is one of the top servers at one of the top chains of semi-luxurious restaurants. A lot of the people that go there are well-enough off that they think they’re untouchable and can get away with anything.

In comes this table who decides their server is just a little too black. They take it upon themselves to let the poor young man know just how much his blackness bothered them before demanding a new server. The server goes to the back and (like everyone else who’s ever worked in a restaurant) starts venting on his way to a manager.

My mother-in-law, a petite, blonde-haired, green-eyed white lady, hears this and walks behind the kid to let the manager know that she’ll be taking the table.

And so she does, with her manager off to the side watching. She goes out there, gives them her best smile and friendliest greetings.

Mother-In-Law: “Have you been here before?

Customer: “Yes and we’ll just be ordering our favorite dishes.”

Mother-In-Law: “Okay.”

She waits for them to order, but doesn’t write anything down. One of the well-off ladies notices.

Other Customer: “Do you have a really good memory?”

Mother-In-Law: “I don’t need to write your order because I won’t be putting it in. I just wanted to show you how a decent human being is supposed to treat others, even when they don’t like the other person.”

With that, she turned around to walk away. They stop her to demand the big boss in the building, to which she responded by pointing out her manager: the biggest angry-looking black man wearing a suit that day.

The table got up and left without a word.

Related:
Racism Is Not On The Menu


This story is part of our Best Of March 2021 roundup!

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