The first time I met my in-laws, when my husband and I were boyfriend and girlfriend, I was nervous about making a good first impression. Introductions went well, and we seemed to get along fine.

As one does, I eventually excused myself to use their restroom. Having used the last bit of toilet paper on the roll, I got a new roll from under the sink and proceeded to switch it out with the empty one.

You know how a lot of toilet paper roll holders have springs inside them? Well, that was the day I learned that if a holder’s spring is taut, it can “jump” out of your hand in such a way as to shoot directly down the drain of the toilet bowl. 

It disappeared completely.

Now, imagine: you’re already sure the people who have graciously welcomed you into their home are going to be your in-laws one day. They’re going to be in your life for a long time. You’ve known them for about an hour. And you’ve just sent their toilet paper roll holder down the toilet. 

After admitting to myself it wasn’t a bizarre dream, I had to go back out to the front room and try to explain what had happened. They were as confused as I was; even after borrowing a neighbor’s plumbing snake, the holder was nowhere to be found.

It’s been close to twenty years since that happened, and I still make sure toilet bowl lids are completely closed before switching toilet paper rolls. I’m sure the odds of it ever happening again are close to nothing, but the odds of it happening once had to have been incredibly low, too!

My wife’s sister is staying with us while she is going through a difficult divorce. It’s been quite a few weeks now, and to be honest, I’m looking forward to getting our home back to ourselves.

She’s been “helping” out around the house as she can’t afford to pay her way with the bills, or so she claims. Her “help” is well-intentioned, but she does things the way she wants to, which is annoying.

For example, she is kind enough to make coffee in the morning, but she always adds milk to it, even though I’ve mentioned several times that I take mine black. She “can’t use” our fabric softener and insists we use hers, and then she acts like she is doing us this massive favour. Generally, everything she does, she has to do her way. Things get tidied up in the wrong places, meals made with ingredients we don’t like, etc.

After months of patience, even my wife is fed up with her. 

Sister-In-Law: “Well, it’s been fun and I know you’ll miss me. But I think I’m going to move out.”

Wife: “Oh, wow. I’m happy for you! Are you going to be staying with a friend?”

Sister-In-Law: “No, silly. I found a flat in [Expensive Area].”

Me: “Oh, wow. You must have been lucky to find anything affordable there.”

Sister-In-Law: “Oh, it’s great. Let me show you the pictures!”

She scrolled through her phone showing us pictures of a very nice flat. We knew she hadn’t had any money yet from the divorce, so she must have been pretending to be broke and keeping the money to herself. The deposit alone would have been thousands.

And her leaving gift to us? The half-empty bottle of fabric softener and her weird ingredients.  

I dropped her and her stuff off at her new flat, to no thanks or anything. But having her out of our hair was probably enough.

My husband and I temporarily lived with his parents for a few months while we waited to be able to move into our new place. We did pay them rent, and I helped with cleaning and cooking while my husband helped with projects around their house. A majority of our belongings were in storage. 

Father-In-Law: “Hey, do you still have that fancy blender you got for a wedding present?”

Me: “Yes, why?”

Father-In-Law: “I have a coworker who needs a blender, and since you’re not using it, I told him he could have it.”

Me: “Why did you do that? We’re not currently using it because it’s in the storage unit, but we will be using it once we move to the new place.”

Father-In-Law: “You’re not using it now, so you have no need for it anymore.”

Me: “We will be using it eventually. We’re not giving it away.”

Father-In-Law: “But I told him he could have it.”

Me: “Are you going to buy us a new one if we give ours away?”

Father-In-Law: “No.”

Me: “Well then, you’re going to have to untell him, because it wasn’t yours to give away.”

He later brought it up to my husband and my husband had the same response. He was ticked at us and ended up giving his coworker one of the blenders they owned, but he told us how we had embarrassed him when he had to give his coworker a lower-end blender. They tried a few more times to get us to give away our things to someone they knew. When we refused, they told us we were ungrateful. We were very happy once we were able to move out.

I have a bit of holiday trauma from an abusive, overly-religious stepmother. My father usually deliberately worked on holidays to avoid her religious fanaticism but allowed her to burn gifts we got that weren’t religious enough. As such, I’m not a big fan of Christmas, and as an adult, I don’t celebrate it for years.

When I marry my wife, who loves Christmas and has a religious mother, I brace myself for the holidays.

Wife: “Honey, I found the perfect tree!”

Me: *Trying to fake enthusiasm* “Oh, cool!”

Mother-In-Law: “[Wife], show her what you found. Trust me, you’ll like this.”

My wife drags in a completely black tree.

Me: *Stunned* “Is that… a black tree? I didn’t even know those were a thing!”

Wife: “Yeah! I’ve always wanted a black tree but Mom prefers real trees, which don’t come in black. But I found this one at work on clearance… and these ornaments!”

Me: “Are those dragons? You got dragon Christmas ornaments?”

Wife: “I know you love dragons. Plus, I figured we could get a skull tree topper or something. And I work with a woman that makes custom wrapping paper, so I figured we can order some of that and wrap our gifts in it. She does coffins, bats, blood splatters…”

Me: “Okay, I might be coming around on Christmas now.”

Mother-In-Law:  “I did find an angel tree topper for you, though.”

She proudly pulls out a Weeping Angel from “Doctor Who,” a show all three of us love. 

Mother-In-Law: “What do you think?”

Me: “I think that, for the first time. I’m actually excited about decorating for Christmas.”

Our holiday wreath has flowers and skulls on it, and none of the religious family members batted an eye when they saw our decorations. My wife’s preacher grandfather even asked us where we got our bat wrapping paper because he loved it so much and ordered some for himself. I look forward to Christmas now!

This conversation took place over the course of four and a half hours. I watched in silent amusement because I don’t drink coffee.

At 6:00:

Sister-In-Law: “Hey, [Brother], can you make some coffee?”

Brother: “Sure!”

At 7:30:

Sister-In-Law: “Were you going to make coffee?”

Brother: “Oh, yeah!”

At 9:00:

Sister-In-Law: “Did you ever make coffee?”

Brother: “Yeah.” *Looks at coffeemaker* “Oh, crap, I didn’t turn on the coffeemaker. At least I put in the coffee and water!” 

He starts the coffeemaker.

At 10:30:

Sister-In-Law: “You know what we forgot? We have coffee!” 

Brother: “Oh, yeah!” 

They finally poured their first cups of coffee at nearly 11:00.

As a kid, I joked that taking Ritalin for my ADD was impossible because as soon as one dose wore off, I forgot to take the next one. Apparently, caffeine works the same way.