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Mama’s Moldy Marmalade Makes Me Mad

, , , , | Related | October 29, 2020

This takes place quite a few years ago when my husband and I have been married for less than a year, and we’re visiting his parents for a weekend. His mother uses copious amounts of salt in her cooking and likes “old-fashioned” food — casseroles, dumplings, steamed puddings, and the like. I’ve always thought her food had a weird taste, and this particular weekend I find out why. We’re sitting at the table eating a full English breakfast.

Husband: “I’ve just used the last of the butter.”

Mother-In-Law: “There’s more in the fridge.”

Me: “I can get it.”

I’m nearest to the kitchen door.

Mother-In-Law: “Make sure you get the oldest one.”

Me: “Um… okay?”

I go to the fridge to find no less than five packs of butter. Three are in date but two are out of date, one by over two months. I bring the oldest of the in-date packs.

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, no, dear, that’s the wrong one.”

Me: “The others are out of date.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, don’t take any notice of that.”

She takes the in-date butter back to the kitchen and brings back the old, expired, funky-tasting butter for our toast. I decide I don’t really need any more toast right now.

After the meal, I help to clear up. There is marmalade in a bowl on the table. My mother-in-law asks me to spoon the leftovers back into the jar — the jar which had a ring of green mould around the rim.

Me: “This is mouldy!”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, that’s fine. I scrape off any green bits when I serve it up.”

I pick up the frying pan with the oil from frying the eggs.

Mother-In-Law: “Just leave that on the stove; the lid’s in the cupboard.”

Me: *Pause* “Pardon?”

Mother-In-Law: “Pop the lid on; keep it fresh.”

It was then I discovered that the pan sits on the stove more or less permanently. The lid “keeps it fresh” and the oil is topped up whenever it gets low. It has never, to my knowledge, been washed… and we’ve now been married fifteen years.

My husband has since realised that his parents don’t have the healthiest outlook on food, but he won’t “rock the boat” and when we visit he will happily eat anything they serve. I have cereal for breakfast, and I’m sure my mother-in-law thinks I’m a fussy eater because I take a cautious bite of my food and leave anything that doesn’t taste quite right. I usually have a stash of cereal bars and chocolate in my overnight bag.

Oh, Brother (In-Law)

, , , , | Related | October 25, 2020

My wife and I host a barbecue for us and my wife’s sister and her husband, our brother-in-law. My sister-in-law is okay, but I don’t like my brother-in-law and I’m not afraid to call him out on his selfish and controlling behaviour.

They show up late and empty-handed. My brother-in-law walks into the house without thinking to knock and immediately starts looking at his phone.

He spends most of the barbecue on his phone. We eat, drink, and eat some more.

We run out of food quickly, but to my surprise, [Brother-In-Law] offers to drive me to the shops to help buy more. When we are there, he even offers to buy some food!

We get back, I cook some more, we eat and drink, and eventually, it is time for them to go.

My wife and I tidy up and I start to sort through the leftovers and unused food.

Me: “Err… where did you put the ribs?”

Wife: “What ribs?”

Me: “The ones [Brother-In-Law] brought. There should be some more burgers and rolls, as well. I bought some nice sauces we haven’t opened yet; I can’t find them, either.”

Wife: “You don’t think [Brother-In-Law] took them, do you?”

Me: “No. No one would just take a load of uncooked food, right?”

It turns out that was exactly what he did. He hid the stuff he brought behind mine in the fridge so I would use his last. When we used some of “his” food, he took some of mine. 

My sister-in-law apologised to us a while after when he tried to pass off the stuff he took as his own. We see her occasionally, but we have nothing to do with him.

I’m Related To A Celebrity! Get Me Out There!

, , , , , , | Related | October 21, 2020

I wrote this story about my father-in-law’s cousin who is a B-list actor.

Things get MUCH weirder during the global outbreak. My mother-in-law decides to write a bunch of bathroom songs for people to sing while they are washing their hands and she wants my father-in-law’s cousin to promote those songs.

My mother-in-law has always written songs and sung them badly. She is a self-taught musician who has absolutely ZERO understanding of proper music composition. She taught herself how to play the piano and she sounds so bad that a cat walking across piano keys would sound much better.

She decided to release a CD of her bathroom songs. This means that she hooked up a computer microphone to her piano and sang her songs into recording software on her five-year-old desktop computer. Unfortunately, she, my father-in-law, AND my husband are oblivious to the fact that she is a horrible musician.

Mother-In-Law: “I just sent a CD of my music to [Actor]’s mother. She is going to give it to [Actor] and he is going to get me on Oprah!”

Me: “You do know that the Oprah show ended a bunch of years ago, right? I also don’t think that Oprah is going to be interested in a preschool administrator’s CD of bathroom songs.”

Mother-In-Law: “I know that Oprah hasn’t been on TV in years, but [Actor] will make her start her show again so I can go on it to promote my music!”

Me: “Are you delusional? There is no way that Oprah is going to restart her show just because a B-list movie actor tells her to promote his cousin-in-law’s CD of bathroom songs!”

Mother-In-Law: “But I know that [Actor] is going to get me my big break in the music business! I am a fantastic musician and I have just had some bad breaks while trying to get my music published.”

Me: “You wrote songs for adults to sing in the bathroom while they are washing their hands. No sane adult is going to buy a CD of that!”

Mother-In-Law: “It is a new concept and people aren’t familiar with it, but they will understand it after I go on Oprah and show the world how much they need bathroom songs!”

Me: “Why are you even bothering [Actor]’s ninety-five-year-old mother with your bathroom songs, anyway? She is old; please don’t bother her.”

Mother-In-Law: “[Actor] is going to love my bathroom songs! I need him to get my break in the music business!”

I dropped it after that, but my in-laws STILL don’t see how horrible a musician my mother-in-law is and that no sane person is going to give her a break in the music business.

I’m Related To A Celebrity! Get Me Out Of Here!

Junior Maid Causing Major Problems

, , , , | Related | CREDIT: msfinch87 | October 18, 2020

I am getting married. My partner and I decide to ask his niece to be a junior bridesmaid so as to avoid problems with family politics. The first sign of drama was when her mother, my sister-in-law, suggested that I make her my “Junior Maid of Honour”, because she had a “special relationship” with me, more so apparently than the other junior bridesmaids. This was news to me, and WTF even is that?!

Then I was asked to give her a “job” to do so she felt important. I wasn’t keen on this because of the added complexity but nevertheless figured something out to avoid problems.

A couple of months down the track when nothing had been done I queried it and was told that she was completely overwhelmed and suffering extreme anxiety and the burden I had placed on her was unfair. The job? Choosing from a selection of three different earrings for the junior bridesmaids, which I had confirmed with her mother was appropriate before asking.

I apologised (with a lot of eye-rolling) and withdrew the “job”. I was then accused of not making her feel important enough.

I was then asked by my sister-in-law if I could arrange to have robes for my bridesmaids because her daughter wanted them, and it was specified to me what slogan should be on them.

I was livid and refused, but was then told that my sister-in-law would buy one for (only) her daughter if I wouldn’t do it. So I went out and organised the robes so I wasn’t faced with a situation of two other little girls sobbing because they missed out and that brat prancing around rubbing their noses in it, and also so I didn’t end up with a tacky slogan designed by an eleven-year-old.

Then we got to the food. His niece wanted McDonald’s at the reception. I explained that this would not be possible, that the restaurant would not allow external food to be brought in, and frankly, neither would I because unless a guest has a medical issue it’s just downright rude.

I was told that she had to be allowed to get McDonald’s because that’s all she’ll eat and she couldn’t go hungry. I told her it simply wasn’t possible. My sister-in-law then threatened not to attend the wedding if we wouldn’t accommodate her daughter.

I removed them from the bridal party and told them where to go. The response? “So what are you going to do about the food?”

She’s told that there is no room to move on the food and to deal with it herself. She’s also been told not to sabotage it for the other junior bridesmaids, which is something I am worried about now that she will see her daughter is actually excluded from the whole thing.

I doubt they will come, and I don’t think she had any intention of attending unless her daughter could be the centre of attention. It really is like her daughter is the bride with all the demands.

Cauliberries! Berriflower?

, , , , , | Related | October 15, 2020

My mother-in-law is a bit of an odd duck.

Mother-In-Law: “[My Name], would you like some fresh raspberries? We grew them in our garden.”

Me: “Ooh, yes, please! I love raspberries.”

Mother-In-Law: “Here you go.”

She passes me a Tupperware container. I open it and see cauliflower.

Me: “Um, [Mother-In-Law], this is the wrong one.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, it’s the right one. The raspberries are on the bottom. Just dig for them.”

Me: “…”

In case you’re wondering, cauliflower and raspberries do NOT mix. The berries had a weird taste.