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If A Tree Falls In A Forest…

, , , | Right | April 27, 2009

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to book a table for three for tonight.”

Me: “No problem, we have one available, what time would you like to come in?”

Customer: “Around 1 am.”

Me: “Um, sir, we close at 11 pm.”

Customer: “But I want a table at 1 am. You should stay open and wait for us.”

Me: “Are you joking?”

Customer: “No, I am not joking. If you won’t give me a table at, 1 am I won’t come and eat at your restaurant!”

Me: “Well, you can come here at 1 am, but no one will be here.”

Customer: “Well, I’m going to come down there at 1 am and knock until you open the door!”

Me: “Okay… see you then, sir…”

Hopefully His Poop Is Invisible Too

, , , | Right | April 23, 2009

Customer: “Just give me ketchup and mustard on the cheeseburger.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

(I start to put the ketchup on the burger.)

Customer: “I didn’t ask for ketchup! I want a free cheeseburger now!”

Me: “Oh, I thought you did…”

Customer: “No, I didn’t. Give me a free cheeseburger.”

(I send the other cheeseburger back.)

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Getting you a new one?”

Customer: “What? Why?” I’m going to eat that one!”

Me: “Well, we can’t give you a free hamburger if you’re going to eat the new one.”

Customer: “Well, it’s for my baby.”

Me: “Ma’am, your order is for here, and you don’t have a baby with you.”

Customer: “Maybe it’s an invisible baby!”

Me: “…have a great day, ma’am.”


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Fifi Lives Another Day

, , , | Right | April 21, 2009

(A rich-looking older lady is on vacation from Florida, and stops by our store.)

Customer: “Yes, I’m going back home and would like to ship my poodle.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t ship pets here.”

Customer: “Well, the airlines will over-charge me if you don’t let me. I’ll pay extra.”

Me: “Ma’am, it is actually illegal for me to ship your poodle. I’m very sorry for the inconvenience.”

Customer: *getting irate* “What if you poke holes in the box? Can I ship him then?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if I’m being unclear, but I can’t ship your dog for you. I’m truly sorry.”

Customer: “Well, I know I’ve shipped my dog here before. Do you really think I would be here if I hadn’t?”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know, but I know we can’t do that.”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

(Perhaps I should have offered to bubble-wrap the dog for no extra fee. Then she wouldn’t have to poke holes in the box!)

There’s Such A Thing As Being Too Into Crafts

, | Right Working | April 21, 2009

(This took place at a large craft store. This particular day I was stocking the shelves when a lady came up and asked me for help.)

Customer: “My daughter only has a few months left to live, and she is going to be cremated. I was wondering if you had anything that I could use to make her ashes into a tiara?”

Me: “Make… her… ashes into a tiara?”

Customer: “Yes. She was a beauty queen, and I’d like to make her ashes into a tiara. Do you have some modeling clay or something I can use?”

Me: “Oh, do you mean you want to make an urn in the shape of a tiara to hold the ashes?”

Customer: “No, I want the ashes molded into the shape of a tiara.”

(I am silent for a moment. The lady stands expectantly, and finally, I answer.)

Me: “Ma’am, I cannot help you. There is no one in this store who can help you. I suggest you go and get help somewhere else.”

Great Benefits: Medical, 401k & A Crystal Ball

, , , , , , | Right | April 16, 2009

Customer: “Which books would you recommend for a pre-teen girl?”

Me: “Well, that depends; does she like fantasy, horror, science fiction?”

Customer: “Whichever you recommend.”

Me: “I’m partial to fantasy myself.”

(I show her several series that I had read myself and enjoyed.)

Customer: “So, you think she would like these?”

Me: “Well, I loved them a lot.”

Customer: “But do you think SHE will?”

Me: “I honestly couldn’t say, ma’am. You know your niece better than I do; I’ve never met her.”

Customer: *staring blankly at the books* “But do you think she will like them?”

Me: “If she doesn’t, you can give her a gift receipt and she can return the books.”

Customer: “I didn’t ask you about a gift receipt. I asked you if my niece would like the books you recommended.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am incapable of making up your own mind about books for someone I’ve never met.”

Customer: “I see. So, when they hire people for minimum wage, they really get what they pay for.”

Me: *sarcastically* “Corporate doesn’t provide mind manipulation skills as part of the hiring package, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, they should!”

(She complains to a manager and walks out without ever making up her mind about a book for her niece.)

Manager: “Did she seriously ask you to manipulate her thoughts about a book decision?”

Me: “I can’t make up my OWN mind sometimes, much less someone else’s.”


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