(It’s St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish pub, and I’m serving a table with ten drunken customers.)

Drunken Table: “Hey! We need some more drinks over here! We’ve been waiting quite a while!”

Me: “Sure, what can I get for you!”

(They order ten different, complex cocktail orders.)

Me: “Great, I’ll get these into the bar as soon as possible.”

(Five minutes later…)

Lady: *at drunken table* “Hey! We’ve been waiting for our drinks! Where the h*** are they?!”

Me: “Well, we’re pretty busy and the bar is backed up a bit. Sorry for the delay.”

Lady: *at drunken table* “Well, we sure aren’t impressed with the service here. My husband is a doctor, and he’s on call tonight, so we really need our drinks served promptly!”

Doctor: *at drunken table* “Yesshh, I need my drinksh right nooow!”

This story of part of the St. Patrick’s Day roundup!

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Me: “Hello, *** Customer Support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have a problem with my bill.”

Me: “Let’s have a look at it, can you give me your customer number please?”

Customer: “Sure, it’s…”

(While he gives me the number, the fire alarm goes off.)

Customer: “What is this noise?”

Me: “It’s the fire alarm, Sir. I’m afraid I have to call you back later.”

Customer: “Oh, I see. Well, can we go through my bill now?”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t do this right now. The fire alarm is on and that means I have to leave the building.”

Customer: “Yeah, sure. So, my bill–”

Me: “Sir, I will gladly check your bill once the alarm is out and the building is safe, but now, I really need to hang up and go outside.”

Customer: “But my bill…”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid my pants are on fire, so I’d appreciate it if you could agree that I’ll call you back later.”

Customer: “Oh! Okay then, call me in an hour and I hope your pants are fine.”

Me: “Thanks. Bye.”

(My pants of course were not on fire, but I don’t think anything else would have shut him up.)

(I work in the deli of a very small grocery store. My co-worker has just walked out of the deli, leaving me in the back alone.)

Cashier: “Deli, you have a customer!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t see you there. I was just washing my hands. Can I get you something?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here for TEN MINUTES.”

(I know for a fact that he couldn’t have been there for more than a minute, because my coworker had just walked out.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Like I said, I didn’t know you were out here. I was in the back, washing my hands, and I can’t see you back there.”

Customer: “Well, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN OUT HERE. What were you doing in the back? Your job is to wait on customers!”

Me: “I WAS WASHING MY HANDS.”

Customer: “I don’t see why you should have to do that.”

Me: “Me neither, sir.”

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Customer: “Hey, you guys sell fish food and supplies, but do you have any fish?”

Me: “No, sorry, sir, we don’t sell pets.”

Customer: “Where do they sell pets?”

Me: “A pet store?”

Customer: “Is there one of those near here?”

Me: “Uhm, I really don’t know.”

Customer: “Will you take me to it?”

Me: “…no?”

Customer: “Sam Walton would take me to it!”

Me: “Sam Walton is dead.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant] Mexican Grill, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, do you have mashed potatoes?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This is a Mexican restaurant.”

Caller: “Oh. Do you have lasagna?”

Me: “No, ma’am… this is a MEXICAN restaurant.”

(The customer finally orders some tacos.)

Me: “Anything else, ma’am?”

Caller: “Do you have spaghetti?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t have spaghetti.”

Caller: “WHAT KIND OF A RESTAURANT IS THIS?” *click*

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