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You’d Better Throw In The Cars, Too

, , | Right | January 5, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Realtors]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m interested in 734 [Name] Street. Could you tell me more information about it?”

Me: “You must mean 732 [Name] Street?”

Customer: “No, 734.”

Me: “Does the house have a sign in the yard that says [Realtors]?”

Customer: “No, but the one next door does. I figured I’d just call you guys since you sell houses.”

Me: “Has it occurred to you that somebody probably lives in 734 [Name] Street?”

Customer: “Well, yeah, but can’t you just, like… give it to me?”

Me: “You want me to call the family and tell them that they have to leave their house because I’m selling it to you?”

Customer: “Yeah, that would be good. And can I move in by Thursday? I’m all packed.”

(It took a good fifteen minutes to explain to him that I couldn’t just sell random people’s homes.)


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The Joy Of Cooking Without Opposable Thumbs

, , , , , | Right | January 5, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me… where is your dog cookbook section?”

Me: “Um… dog cookbooks?”

Customer: “Yes. Where are they located?”

Me: “We don’t have a dog cookbook section in the store. I don’t think we have any dog cookbooks at all.”

Customer: *stares blankly* “You can’t be serious.”

Me: “I’m sorry, miss. I might be able to order-”

Customer: *interrupting* “YOU DON’T HAVE ANY DOG COOKBOOKS?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY DOG FOR CHRISTMAS?”

Me: “Have you considered a nice set of dog cookware?”

Customer: *storms out*


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You Just Had To Ask

, , | Right | December 29, 2008

(I work at the customer service desk at a grocery store. One day I had a guy come up and cash a winning lottery ticket for a dollar, and this is what then took place.)

Me: “There you go. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Yeah, uh… I’ve got some dishes to be done, some windows to be washed, and a lawn to be mowed.”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Ha ha, yeah…”

Customer: *blank stare* “Well… are you gonna help me?”

Me: still thinking he’s joking* “Ha, well, until [Store] opens up an At-Home division, I guess I can’t help you out.”

Customer: “So you’re not gonna help me?”

Me: *realizing he’s serious* “Well… no, sir. I can’t just leave and go home with you to do chores.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t be offering to do something if you don’t plan on going through with it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but–”

Customer: *interrupting* “Next time, don’t offer if you’re not gonna do it!” *storms off*

Santa Goes Psycho

, , , , | Right | December 24, 2008

(I am stocking Christmas ribbon with a coworker.)

Customer: “You two ladies look like you can help me.”

Me: “Sure, what do you want to know?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a tree.”

Me: “Okay, the trees are in the back of the store under the ‘Seasonal’ sign.”

Customer: “No, no. Let me finish. I want a tree; it’s circular, but it’s a tree, and it’s a circle, but it’s only a half-circle, but it’s a tree. Oh! And you hang it on your window, and it’s a tree, and a circle.”

Me & Coworker: “…”

Customer: “IT’S A TREE, AND IT’S A CIRCLE AND A TREE, AND YOU HANG IT ON YOUR WINDOW, BUT IT’S ONLY A HALF-CIRCLE, BUT IT’S A CIRCULAR TREE!”

Me: “Uh… a wreath?”

Customer: “NO, NO, WHAT THE F***?! IT’S A CIRCLE AND A TREE, AND IT’S A CIRCLE AND A HALF-CIRCLE, AND YOU HANG IT ON YOUR WINDOW!”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS?!”

Me: “No… sorry, sir.”

Customer: “Well, is there someone else in here that can help me?”

Coworker: “There are other people here, but with that description, I doubt anyone will be able to help you.”

Customer: “OH, WHAT THE F***?!”

(The customer storms off, but a moment later comes back.)

Customer: “Oh, by the way, do you sell Jello here?”

Me: “Um, no. We’re a craft store, not a grocery store.”

Customer: “Well, people use Jello for crafts.”

Me: “Uh, sorry.”

Customer: “SERIOUSLY! THEY HIRE F****** IDIOTS HERE!” *storms off… again*


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Self-Rising Expectations

, , , | Right | December 22, 2008

Customer #1: “You bake all of this French bread here?”

Me: “Yes, sir, every day.”

Customer #1: “Do you make the dough yourselves, or does it come in frozen?”

Me: “Oh, it comes in frozen. We bake more than 100 loaves of French bread a day on top of everything else we make, so we really wouldn’t have time to make dough from scratch.”

Customer #1: “So, you’re cheaters, then?!”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Yes, sir, we certainly are!”

Customer #1: “Well, that’s shameful!” *to another customer* “Did you know they don’t make the dough themselves?!”

Customer #2: “It only costs a buck a loaf, dude. What do you want from them?”


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