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Unable To See The Global Picture

, , | Right | March 19, 2010

Customer: “Someone stole my satellite navigation. The police told me you can block it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you were misinformed. Your satellite navigation can only receive a GPS signal. It does not transmit anything, so we are unable to find it, or disable it.”

Customer: “But they told me you can block the signal.”

Me: “Unfortunately, only the U.S. military can block GPS signals.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you call them?”

Me: “I am afraid not. They will only disable GPS use in times of war.”

Customer: “But, can’t you tell them my satellite navigation was stolen?”

Me: “If they disable GPS use, it is disabled for everyone, except the military.”

Customer: “So?”


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Three Obsessive Compulsives And One Oedipus Complex To Go

, , , | Learning Right | March 15, 2010

(I am working in retail when a confused-looking student approaches me.)

Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

Student: “I want to get a sample.”

Me: “A sample of what?”

Student: “What have you got?”

Me: “What do you need it for? For class?”

Student: “Yeah, for class.”

Me: “Which class?”

Student: “Social Sciences.”

Me: “I’m not aware of any requirements for that class. Do you have it written down somewhere?”

(The student looks through her bag and produces a piece of paper. She hands it to me.)

Me: “This is an assignment to set up a small psychological experiment.”

Student: “Yes! And I need a sample.”

Me: “Do you mean participants? You want me to get you participants?”

Student: “Yeah, the teacher said about thirty should do. Do they come to my place or do I have to get them from here?”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s not how it works. You have to find participants on your own.”

Student: “What? That’s ridiculous! Isn’t it enough that I do all the science?”

Definitely Not To Be

, , , , | Right | March 12, 2010

Customer: “Hello, do you happen to have a copy of Hamlet?”

Me: “Yes, we do. Let me show you to it.”

Customer: “Well, actually, do you have an audio version of it?”

Me: “Hmm, maybe. Let me look it up.”

Customer: “Okay, but can you make sure it’s one read by the author?”


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TV On Demanding

, , , , , | Right | March 10, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Satellite Company]. How can I be of assistance?”

Customer: “I need you to move the satellite, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Well, I want to watch the movie but we’re having a storm. Can you move the satellite closer so I can see the rest of the movie?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the satellite is in space and I can’t just move it closer to you.”

Customer: “Okay. Well, can you pause the channel until the storm is over then?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, that is a broadcast going to everyone at the same time. We cannot pause the broadcast.”

Customer: “Okay, just replay the movie for me. I get home from work about 5, so if you could start it at 6 I’ll have time to make a bite to eat first.”

Me: “Ma’am, that is not how the broadcast works.”

Customer: “You’re just not helpful AT ALL!”


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How To Seize The Moment

, , , , | Right | March 8, 2010

(An elderly woman is having a seizure and obviously 911 has been called to the scene.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but when can I get my prescription?”

Me: “Ma’am, this woman is having a seizure and needs medical attention right away.”

Customer: “But I was here before her!”


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