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Probably Wears Diapers

, , , , , | Right | August 25, 2008

Customer: “Excuse me… HEY! Excuse me.”

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I need you to find a battery for my Timex.”

Me: “You are standing next to our entire selection. If it isn’t there, we don’t have it.”

Customer: “How do I know which one it is?”

Me: “Didn’t you bring the watch with you?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Well, sometimes it is stamped on the back cover.”

Customer: “I can’t decipher this. Can you open the watch and check?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t offer that service.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean, we don’t offer that service. I have neither the tools nor the training to work on your watch.”

Customer: “But you sell the batteries!”

Me: “Yes, we do. I’ll gladly help check that you are buying the right one, but I won’t work on your watch.”

Customer: “But you sell the batteries! You HAVE to put it in for me!”

Me: “Sir, I could also sell you toilet paper, but you would still have to do the wiping yourself…”

Dads: Gotta Love ‘Em

, , , , , , | Right | August 25, 2008

(My father owns an auto shop where I sometimes work part time. Late one afternoon, a woman comes in.)

Me: “May I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I need my car inspected.”

Me: “Well, we’re not taking any more inspections this afternoon. May I schedule you for tomorrow?”

Customer: “No, I want my car inspected now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we take in our last inspection at 4:00 so we have time to pack up and shut down the machine.”

Customer: “Yes, but I just bought my car from [Dealer] and they told me I could bring my car here to get inspected for free.”

Me: “Yes, they will pay for your inspection here, but we’re closing soon. I’d be happy to schedule you an appointment for another day.”

Customer: “No! This is an outrage! At [Dealer] they told me I could bring in my car ANY TIME to be inspected here!”

Me: “Um… well…”

Customer: “I want my car inspected RIGHT NOW. They told me I could have it inspected any time!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s 4:45 and we are closing in 15 minutes. We don’t have time…”

Customer: “Where is your manager!? I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Um… I’m afraid he’s out test driving a car.”

Customer: “That’s unacceptable! Is there anyone else I can talk to? I need to get my car inspected!”

Me: “Hold on…”

(I go out into the shop and check, but sure enough the only other person still here this late is the trainee mechanic. The woman proceeds to yell at us for about ten minutes. Eventually, my dad returns from his test drive.)

Me: “Dad, can you help this woman?”

Dad: “What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I brought my car here from [Dealer] for an inspection but they won’t give one to me!”

(My dad proceeds to tell her everything I told her, smiling through all her abuse. Eventually…)

Customer: “Fine! This is an outrage! I’m going to write a complaint letter to [Dealer] about you!”

Dad: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Me: “My God.”

Dad: “Let me give you a little advice about people like that. When somebody gets all worked up at you like that, you need to remain calm. Because the calmer you are, the angrier they get, and it’s REALLY funny.”


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Spoiled

, , , , | Right | August 23, 2008

(On the Saturday night of a weekend-long fan-based media convention, we hold a dance for the attendees. A mother comes up to the security office and voices a complaint.)

Mother: “The music is too loud and it’s running too late. I want it shut down.”

Me: “Ma’am, our dance is scheduled until 5:00 am, and we are not disturbing any other events.”

Mother: “Well, there are kids are in there and if this thing is for kids, then there should not be a dance!”

Me: “Yes, this convention is an all-ages event, but the dance is one of our most popular events and we have no intention of shutting it down.”

Mother: “Well, I’m the customer and I’m always right! You should do what I say and shut the dance down! Where is your supervisor? I’ll get him over to shut the dance down.”

Chairman: “Ma’am, what is the problem?”

Mother: “I want you to shut the dance down! There are kids here and they should not be in a dance at this time of night! And this man is not helping. Make him shut the dance down!”

Chairman: “The dance is one of our biggest events. Closing it down would disappoint thousands of our attendees who look forward to it each year.”

Mother: “THIS IS NOT FAIR! I WANT THE D*** DANCE SHUT DOWN AND I WANT IT SHUT DOWN NOW!”

Me: “Ma’am, raising your voice will not help your case. Please calm down.”

(I figure that there is something else going on, and offer her a seat and a glass of water. She sits down calms down a bit.)

Me: “Is there something else going on?”

Mother: “My daughter sneaked out of our hotel room and I know she’s in the dance. I went in there and I couldn’t find her.”

Me: “Is that all? So you wanted us to shut the entire dance down, just to get your daughter out?”

Mother: *timidly* “Yes…”

Me: “Did you actually think that we would do it?”

Mother: “Yes…”

Me: “Why?”

Mother: “Because I always get my way!”


This story is part of our Dancing roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

22 Fun Stories About Musical Theater That Will Have You Dancing In The Aisles!

 

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Just Throw It In The Cockpit

, , | Right | August 22, 2008

Elderly Passenger: “Can you take my bag from the overhead bin and put it in the row?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re in the exit row. It must remain clear.”

Elderly Passenger: “Well, how about upfront by the door?”

Me: “No, that must remain clear as well.”

Elderly Passenger: “Just put it in the aisle, then.”

Me: “…”

Basic Subtraction, Part 2

, , , , | Right | August 22, 2008

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, can I have a small pork fried rice, please? Without pork.”

Me: “A small pork fried rice, without pork?”

Customer: “Yes… can you add some chicken to that?”

Me: “Um, so you want a small chicken fried rice?”

Customer: “No. I want a small pork fried rice, no pork, with chicken.”

Me: “Sure… anything else?”

Customer: “Yes, I also need a small chicken and broccoli.”

Me: “Sure, is that all?”

Customer: “Yes…” *pauses* “Oh… and no broccoli in the chicken and broccoli!”


This story is part of the Chicken roundup!

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