I have been working for a businessman who’s selling his mentoring courses, among other tasks.

Being paid monthly while I keep studying, I also host his website, design all his branding, and even prepare some of his talks. I slowly became a part-time assistant for his antics. Suddenly, my client changes his mind the day before an event he organized.

Client: “My wife told me that your work is great, but I want to get the same result… but different. Is there a way “we” can do [a long list of long, vague, time-consuming edits] for free before midnight? I will call you again to give you some creative input in a few minutes.”

Me: “I’m afraid the task you are asking for is lengthy; each one of those edits would take me a while even with automation. Within that time limit, it’s impossible to do it for today, but I could try to give you another close estimate date, or even better, prepare a plan so both of us can—”

Client: “By “we” I mean “you”. Also, don’t tell me we can’t. Tell me what can I do so “we” can do it for today!”

Customer: “I have a pair of [Brand] boots. I know it’s been over a year, but they are coming apart at the top. I have my receipt still and took it to the store, but they said they couldn’t do anything. Can you help?

Me: “When did you buy the boots?”

Customer: “November of 2019.”

It’s May of 2021.

Me: “It’s definitely well past our return policy, so let me check with management about if there is anything we can do.”

Management tells me there’s nothing we can do. He bought the boots a year and a half ago and they are just now coming apart? Sorry.

Me: “Okay, sir. Unfortunately, there’s nothing that we can do, considering you’ve had them for a year and a half, and our return policy is only thirty days.”

Most of the time, we are flexible, especially if they fall apart within six months, but a year and a half?!

Customer: “Okay, that’s fine, but I’m gonna let you know now, I’m never gonna buy these boots from you guys again.”

He then hung up, and I almost died laughing. Okay, sir. Believe me, that’s okay with us; you clearly don’t want to spend any money with us, anyway! I can’t believe people think they can exchange things after a year and a half of wearing them!

In the UK, if you buy cigarettes, every packet has a picture of the health issues that can come with smoking, e.g. wheelchairs, blindness, someone in hospital, damaged lungs, and other unpleasant things. A customer comes in asking for a brand of cigarettes. I find them and hand her a packet.

Customer: “Oh, no. I don’t want this one!”

Me: “Sorry. You did say [Brand], didn’t you?”

Customer: “Yes. But not with the picture of the eye. I want the picture of the man in the hospital.”

I was baffled, to say the least, but I looked through the row until I found the right ones. She then explained that they taste better. I asked other colleagues later after she’d gone and they had dealt with her before, too.

I just found it strange to go through a stack of gross images to find a specific one to meet her needs! Maybe she had a phobia, a personal reason she didn’t want to admit. Who knows? It was still odd!

Our town has had a curfew set to 10:00 pm due to the health crisis, which expanded until 11:00 pm yesterday.

Every single day, as soon as we close the doors, there are at least five cars passing in our drive-thru lane asking if we’re open, why we’re closed, and why can’t they order anyway since they are already here. I usually greet them via the mic and inform them that we’re closed. Then, it’s this lady’s turn.

Customer: “But I want ice cream.”

Me: “I understand, madam, but we’re closed.”

Customer: “It’s just ice cream, not a whole meal!”

Me: “Again, we’re closed. The cash desk is not active, and the ice cream machine was cleaned twenty minutes ago. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “BUT I’M PREGNANT!”

Me: “Well, congrats… but we’re still closed. Goodbye.”

And then, they almost ran over me with their SUV while I was taking out the trash, cussing at me for being rude to a pregnant woman who was illegally outside twenty minutes after curfew with her husband and a whole bunch of already-born kids in the car.

It is the late 90s and I am a software developer who also gets brought into a lot of web projects. Many clients don’t really understand the ‘net at all:

Client: “The page background is too dull. It needs to be a brighter white.”

Me: “It’s already #ffffff; that’s the brightest white possible.”

Client: “It’s still too dull. Fix it.”

Me: “Try turning the brightness control on your monitor up.”

Client: “…That fixed it! That’s great!”

Followed by…

Client: “So how do we turn up the brightness control for everyone who visits the site?”