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DE TING, DE TING!!!

, , , , , | Right | February 2, 2008

(I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with their digital media products. This call was about their video editing software.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company] tech support.

(The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.)

Me: “Great! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”

Me: “So… it’s blue, and blue… on the thing?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Where is it blue?”

Customer: “On de ting.”

Me: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the computer screen or your camera?”

Customer: “Yes… de ting.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”

Customer: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”

Me: “What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Yes… which one?”

Customer: *yelling* “DE TING!!!!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”

Customer: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”

Me: “Ma’am, I agree. You speak English very, very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”

Customer: “ON DE TIIIING!!!”

(This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows:)

PROBLEM: VIDEO IS BLUE AND BLUE ON THE THING.

SOLUTION: NONE AT THIS TIME.

TROUBLESHOOTING:
>(TECH SUPPORT) IS THE THING BLUE? TRY REINSTALLING THE THING.

>(TECH SUPPORT) THING REINSTALLED. STILL BLUE.

>(ENGINEER) CANNOT RECREATE THING IN LAB.

>(ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RECREATED. THING RED.

(And so on and so on…)

My, Aren’t We Feeling Entitled Today?

, , , , | Right | February 1, 2008

(I work in a restaurant, and one day, I answer the phone.)

Customer: “I’d like a delivery, please.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t deliver.”

Customer: “I thought you delivered.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t.”

Customer: “Well, do I get some kind of compensation?”

Me: “Uhhh, no…”

Customer: “You mean I was inconvenienced for all this time and I don’t even get a f****** discount?”

Me: “No…”

Customer: *click*


This story is part of our Demands For Discounts roundup!

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Customer: Impossible

, , , | Right | February 1, 2008

Old man: “I need a new phone! But I don’t want all those fancy bells and whistles on it!”

Me: “Okay, well we have some more basic phones over–”

Old man: “No I don’t want caller ID!”

Me: “Hmm… well all the phones we carry have caller ID on them. It’s a pretty standard feature nowadays.”

Old man: “Yeah but I don’t have that service, so I’d just be wasting my money on a feature I don’t use!”

(This sort of this goes on for about ten minutes. At one point another customer enters the aisle doing her own shopping. He looks over my shoulder and yells to her “Go find someone else! He’s helping me right now!” Finally, he decides on a phone…)

Old man: “Does this one have a wall mount?”

Me: “Yes, sir, it’s wall mountable.”

Old man: “Show me!”

Me: “We can’t really open product-”

Old man: “No, show me!”

(I think, “Screw it,” and open the box and take everything out to show him.)

Me: “See? Wall mounts.”

Old man: “Okay, fine, I’ll take it.”

(I spend ten minutes trying to get the freaking phone back in the box exactly how it was packaged, which is a lot harder than it sounds.)

Me: “Okay… here you go.”

Old man: “No, I don’t want that one, it’s been opened!”

(I nearly beat him to death with his cane.)

Breaking The Terms of Service, LA-Style

, , , , , | Right | January 31, 2008

(A customer is looking at a laptop. I approach to help.)

Me: “That’s a really great computer.”

Customer: “I don’t need a computer. I need wireless Internet.”

Me: “All right, how much range do you need cover?”

Customer: *dead serious* “From here to Santa Monica.”

(Note: This is about a distance of ten miles.)

Me: “All right, let’s start over. This time I’ll be the one from the future.”

The Problem With Blank Checks

, , | Right | January 30, 2008

(Takes place over phone.)

Me: “Nutrition, this is–”

Patient: “Yeah, I don’t want beef stew. I want something different. My nurse said I’m on a regular diet and can have anything I want.”

Me: “Alright, do you know what you would like?”

Patient: “I want two Pepsis; chicken strips with ranch, and honey mustard; a baked potato with sour cream, butter, and bacon bits; another apple crisp, but I want you guys to heat it up and serve it with ice cream; and a Caesar salad.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only things on your list that we have tonight are the baked potatoes and apple crisp. We also have–”

Patient: “THEY SAID I COULD HAVE ANYTHING!”

Me: “That we have in the kitchen!”

Patient: “Oh.”