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Wait…You Can Do That?

, , , | Right | December 17, 2008

Customer: *marches to the front desk with her young granddaughter* “Hello, dear. Are you in charge here?”

Me: “Well, I’m in charge of the front desk. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to purchase a dog for my granddaughter.”

Me: “Er… ma’am, this is a kennel.”

Customer: “I’m aware of that! I just want to buy a dog for my granddaughter; she wants a pug.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t sell the animals here. We take care of dogs and cats for their owners.”

Customer: “What? You do all the work for those lazy sons of b****es?”

Me: “Um… no. The kennel takes in dogs and cats for owners when they go away for vacation or business. When they come back, they take their pets back. It’s like daycare.”

Customer: “I don’t think you understand me, boy. I told my granddaughter we were coming here to get her a dog, and you will get her a d*** dog!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but like I said before, we do not sell the dogs we keep. They are other people’s pets.”

Customer: “Goodness!” *pause* “Can I have a cat, then?”

Me: “Ma’am, does your granddaughter go to daycare?”

Customer: “Yes, but that is irrel–”

Me: “How would you like it if I went to your granddaughter’s daycare and bought her off?”

Customer: *storms off*

A Hiccup In The Food Chain

, , , | Right | December 17, 2008

(I am working in the reptile department and I often get questions about the snakes.)

Customer: “What do you feed these snakes?”

Me: “Those snakes? Usually feeder mice.”

Customer: “You feed them live mice?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what they eat.”

Customer: “Well, don’t you think that’s cruel?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Can’t you feed them a vegetarian diet?”

Me: “No, they need to eat a diet similar to what they would naturally eat in the wild.”

Customer: “Well, I think that’s just awful. They should be able to survive on vegetables.”

Me: “I’m sorry…  You’ll have to talk to God about that one.”


This story is part of our Snakes roundup!

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Customer Service, Metaphorically Speaking

, , , | Right | December 12, 2008

(A woman comes up to me at the customer service desk with a piece of paper that has [Bike Brand] and a bunch of numbers written on it.)

Me: “How can I be of service to you today?”

Customer: “I need to return my bike.”

Me: “All right, is there anything wrong with it? And do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “I don’t have a receipt, but here’s the bike number. And yes, I went to a professional bike repair guy who told me that all the spokes are rusted, and it would cost $50 to replace.”

Me: “Okay, we don’t return bikes in a ‘used’ state, only ‘new.’ But we do repair them.”

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t return bikes? The spokes are all rusted!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s just how the company policy is.”

Customer: “Can YOU repair it, right now?”

Me: “No; we have someone come here a couple of times a week to do the repairs.”

Customer: “Well, I need this bike now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we only do repairs. The guy will be here Tuesday.”

(I look around for her bike…)

Me: “So… where is the bike? So I can put the repair label on it?”

Customer: “What do you mean? I don’t have it with me now! I can’t ride the bike here! And it doesn’t fit in my car!”

Me: “Well… I need the bike here to do returns and repairs, accompanied by a receipt.”

Customer: “I need a receipt, too?!”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *storms out*


This story is part of our Bicycle roundup!

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The Orlando Hillbillies

, , , , , | Right | November 19, 2008

(I work as a security officer in an upscale hotel near the big theme parks in Orlando. We get a call from one of the rooms complaining about a break-in and theft.)

Me: “Sir, you called security about a break-in? When were you out?”

Customer: “Yeah! We just got back from [Theme Park] and somebody broke in here and took all of our used towels and soaps and stuff! Looks like they went through everything!”

Me: “Sir? They took your used towels?”

Customer: “We had a buncha towels in the bathroom and a buncha shampoo and soaps are gone, too! See?! These ain’t my towels! I know because we had used ours last night and draped them over the shower curtain to dry! What kind of establishment are y’all runnin’ here?”

(I look around the bathroom; it looks tidy and neat. Clean towels are hanging on the towel rack, and new bottles of courtesy soaps and shampoos were put on the bathroom counter.)

Me: “Sir, were these your towels from home? Was anything else taken?”

Customer: “No! We gotta buncha towels with our room and now they’re gone! I know because they were wet! Somebody done been in here snoopin’ through our room!”

Me: “Sir… I believe that was housekeeping. They come in, clean up the room, see if you need any fresh towels, and give you new–”

(The man begins shouting.)

Customer: “DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! SOMEBODY HAS BEEN IN MY ROOM!”

Me: “It’s called ‘Housekeeping.’ They come in and replace any toiletries you use during–”

Customer: “Well, I ain’t need no toilet treats! They coulda stole all my stuff!”

Me: “Sir… it was our maids. They come in and clean for you. There is a complimentary safe in your closet. You can lock up anything you don’t want out when our staff–”

Customer: “TELL THEM I DON’T WANT ANYONE IN MY ROOM AND GOIN’ THROUGH ALL MY STUFF! If they do it again, I’m calling the police and having all y’all arrested!”

Me: “All right, sir…”

(The customer and his family stayed a whole week in the hotel. Evidently they used the same four towels the whole time and split a one oz bottle of shampoo for four people over six days.)


This story is part of the American States roundup!

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Heaven Sent Deliveries, Moses Speaking

, , , , | Right | November 17, 2008

Caller: “My furniture is scheduled for delivery today and I have a big problem: it’s going to snow!”

Me: “Okay, we can reschedule you for–”

Caller: “No, I need it delivered today!”

Me: “What would you like me to do?”

Caller: “I want you to make it not snow!”

Me: “… Excuse me?”

Caller: “I want you to make it not snow during my delivery!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t control the weather.”

Caller: “WHY NOT?!”


This story is part of the More-Customers-Versus-Mother-Nature roundup!

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