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Thievers Can’t Be Choosers

, , , , , | Right | December 19, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I want to complain about these towels of yours. They’re really rough and scratchy.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir… Wait a second; are you calling from outside the hotel?”

(I double-check the incoming call info, and see that it’s coming in on our toll-free line.)

Caller: “Yeah, I’m at home.”

Me: “And you’re calling to complain about towels you took from the hotel?”

Caller: “Yeah, they suck. They’re not very soft.”

Me: “Well, I certainly apologize for that, sir. If you’ll give me your name and address, I’ll have Housekeeping send you some new ones.”

(Surprisingly, he actually gave me his info; not surprisingly, he called a couple of weeks later to complain about the bill we sent him for the towels.)

It Will Return Soon Enough

, , , , | Right | December 18, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Fast Food Place]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I ordered some food and I need a refund.”

Me: “Of course; can you please explain what the matter with your food was?”

Customer: “Well, I drove it home and put it on the counter. My husband asked me to help him rake up some leaves. When I got back in, the dog had gotten up on the counter and eaten everything.”

Me: “You want me to replace the food your dog ate?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “…”

A Hiccup In The Food Chain

, , , | Right | December 17, 2008

(I am working in the reptile department and I often get questions about the snakes.)

Customer: “What do you feed these snakes?”

Me: “Those snakes? Usually feeder mice.”

Customer: “You feed them live mice?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what they eat.”

Customer: “Well, don’t you think that’s cruel?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Can’t you feed them a vegetarian diet?”

Me: “No, they need to eat a diet similar to what they would naturally eat in the wild.”

Customer: “Well, I think that’s just awful. They should be able to survive on vegetables.”

Me: “I’m sorry…  You’ll have to talk to God about that one.”


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Let He Who Is Strongest Make My Latte

, , , | Right | December 17, 2008

(A perky old lady walks up and orders a drink. A staff member makes the drink, and I hand it to her.)

Customer: *disdainfully* “What is THIS?”

Me: “Umm… a drink?”

Customer: “‘A drink’? Don’t get smart with me! *pointing towards a staff member* “That greasy teen filled my order! I demand somebody else fill it! One who’s NOT greasy!”

(I am dumb-founded, but decide to line up all the employees in front of her for review — it was a slow day.)

Me: “Which of these do you find acceptable?”

Customer: *looks for a few minutes* “NONE! Maybe if you didn’t have so much fast food, you wouldn’t be so greasy!” *continues to “browse” through the line-up*

Coworker: *speaking up* “Hey, lady, hurry up! You ain’t picking no gladiators!”

Wait…You Can Do That?

, , , | Right | December 17, 2008

Customer: *marches to the front desk with her young granddaughter* “Hello, dear. Are you in charge here?”

Me: “Well, I’m in charge of the front desk. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to purchase a dog for my granddaughter.”

Me: “Er… ma’am, this is a kennel.”

Customer: “I’m aware of that! I just want to buy a dog for my granddaughter; she wants a pug.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t sell the animals here. We take care of dogs and cats for their owners.”

Customer: “What? You do all the work for those lazy sons of b****es?”

Me: “Um… no. The kennel takes in dogs and cats for owners when they go away for vacation or business. When they come back, they take their pets back. It’s like daycare.”

Customer: “I don’t think you understand me, boy. I told my granddaughter we were coming here to get her a dog, and you will get her a d*** dog!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but like I said before, we do not sell the dogs we keep. They are other people’s pets.”

Customer: “Goodness!” *pause* “Can I have a cat, then?”

Me: “Ma’am, does your granddaughter go to daycare?”

Customer: “Yes, but that is irrel–”

Me: “How would you like it if I went to your granddaughter’s daycare and bought her off?”

Customer: *storms off*