After graduating college, I thought I was lucky enough to get a management position with a company on the Forbes 500 list. In all honesty, I am just a glorified dispatcher handling one of the departments in one of the hospitals in the inner city of a very old, old historic city.

In most hospitals, there is something called a priority list: who goes first in any situation. Number one priority are intensive care patients, codes, STATs, and traumas. Next is operating room patients, special procedures, people going to XRAY, Cat Scan, etc. On the very bottom is equipment — things like the pumps used to give people an IV.

Our primary customer is the hospital. We live and breathe to serve the hospital.

Here is a REAL conversation I had with one of the hospital personnel. I have MANY conversations like this daily.

Nurse: “Hello, I am calling from [Unit]. We called for some equipment an hour ago.”

Me: “Yes, I am sorry for the wait, but we currently do not have anyone available to bring that equipment up. As soon as we do, I will make sure it gets to you.”

Nurse: “Well, why is no one available?”

Me: “They are handling other patients in the hospital.”

Nurse: “My equipment is more important.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but the hospital has strict priority standards that we have to stick to.”

Nurse: “Yes, but this equipment is for a patient.”

Me: “Yes, I understand that, but unfortunately, we have had several ICU patients that have had to go down to testing units. In fact, we just received a call for a STAT (very important) ICU to go down for an emergency test for complications.”

Nurse: “Well, equipment should come before anything, as it is for a patient. This is a problem; it needs to change. I want to complain!”

Me: “If I am understanding you correctly, ma’am, you would like things such as a wheelchair, a stretcher, or a pump to come before a patient that is profusely bleeding?”

Nurse: “Yes! The equipment is for the patient. It’s just as important!”

Me: *In disbelief* “Well, I would like to apologize again for the wait, but we will get the equipment up to you as soon as we are able to. Goodbye.” *Click*

Isn’t it nice to know that the next person taking care of you could be this nurse who values an inanimate object over getting you down to a testing procedure that could save your life?

Sometimes I wonder what was worse: retail or hospital customer service.

Our store has a strict ALL SALES FINAL policy. No refunds or exchanges. We’ve had it since reopening in October. We have it posted on signage in the store as well as printed out on receipts. The phone rings.

Me: “Hello, this is [Thrift Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I bought two dresses there yesterday. They don’t fit. Can I return them?”

Me: “Sorry, but all sales are final; nothing can be returned.”

Customer: “Oh… but they weren’t on sale. I paid full price.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Umm… anything purchased is considered a sale. Therefore, anything you purchased cannot be returned.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay. Thank you.”

I work in a home improvement store, in the appliance section. The phone rings.

Me: “[Store] Appliances, this is [My Name]. How can I help?”

Caller: “I’m looking for a [Brand] gas range.”

Me: “Okay, what finish would you prefer?”

Caller: “Well, see, I was in your store and I saw a red one in front. I want that one.”

I remember that one, FROM ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO. It was on CLEARANCE.

Me: “Sir, that particular range was on clearance a long time ago. I don’t have it anymore.”

Caller: “Well, can’t you get on your little computer and see who has it?”

Me: *Feeling a headache coming on* “Sir, if you have a model number, I would be glad to look it up and find it, but just a heads-up, if it was on clearance, the probability of anyone having it are very slim.”

He hung up. I found our old poster with the model number of that range and put it in the computer, and sure enough: discontinued. I DID find a red range, but it was close to $10,000!

I’m working in a public office and a customer calls me during lunchtime.

Caller: “Hello, I’m not sure if I’m at the right place here, but I have a question: I want to know the scientific origins of the universe. Please tell me exactly and specifically whether or not a real detection of primordial gravitational waves confirms the inflation theory and how quantum fluctuations were an integral part of the early formation of the universe. And while you’re at it, please tell me the all-decisive meaning of life, as well.”

That was figurative; she asked me a difficult question regarding an issue that has nothing to do with my job and is basically impossible to answer ASAP without researching for hours.

Me: “I’m sorry. Can you repeat that, please?”

Caller: “Sure.”

She repeats her request, this time even more detailed and complex.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. I don’t know the answer to your question.”

Caller: “Why don’t you know it?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: *More demanding in tone* “You have to know it; you’re the office.”

Am I omniscient or what?

Me: “I just told you that I don’t, I’m sorry.”

There’s silence for about thirty seconds.

Me: “Are you still there?”

Caller: “I’m waiting for an answer.”

Me: “I can’t help you right now.”

Caller: “Who can?”

Me: “I’m not sure. I would have to research it.”

Caller: “Then do it and tell me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m in the middle of another appointment.”

Caller: “DO IT NOW! I demand that you call me back in five minutes!”

Her tone is peak nasty at this point.

Me: “Okay, that’s enough for me. We’re running in circles here. Your tone is inappropriate, and this phone call leads to nothing. Have a nice day.”

I hung up.

Hey, unidentified caller, you don’t get to demand things ASAP from people you just randomly called without actually knowing anything about them or their work. You’re not everyone’s supervisor. You’re not the center of the universe.

I actually would have helped her if her tone had been appropriate or at least less demanding. This is not how you talk to people.

A customer bought a water heater for a client. The water heater ended up having a big dent in the top of it. Okay, no problem. We told him to bring it in and we could exchange or refund it for him. He didn’t do that. Instead, he decided to sell it to his client for $100 less than he bought it for, or he intended to.

Then, he came to the store went to customer service, showed a picture of the heater, and demanded a refund. We told him we couldn’t do that unless he brought the heater in. He got upset about it. Then, he went and got another water heater? I’m not sure why.

He came to my register to check out. I greeted him like I usually do.

Me: “Hey, how are you today?”

Customer: “I’m just so done with this store!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Anything I can help with?”

Customer: “I bought a water heater for a client and it had a dent in it! And then you wouldn’t give me a refund! You’re all fascists! And they make you wear masks; those are doing stuff to you. I mean, you know what they are doing to you.”

After that, he paid for his stuff, moved to the side, and opened the box to make sure the water heater wasn’t dented. Then, he came back to the register.

Customer: “I want some tape to close up this box.”

Me: “Sure, no problem. I just have to get it from my manager.”

She was like five feet away. I asked her for tape, and the whole time she was getting it, the customer was grumbling.

Customer: “I need tape. No! I demand tape! I’m not leaving until I get tape!”

We gave him a tape.

Customer: “They are so entitled, expecting us to bring our own tape. How rude.”

Me: “I hope your day gets better.”

He put the tape roller in my hand, cutting part down, grabbed a comment card, and then stomped out of the store.