God Complex

, , , | Right | December 19, 2007

(I hostess at an upscale restaurant in a very nice part of town. I get a call like this about once a night on weekends, which are super busy.)

Customer: “Can I get a reservation for four at seven tonight for Dr. [Customer]?”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, we’re booked solid from six to ten. I can get you a reservation for tomorrow night if you’re interested.”

Customer: “But I’m a doctor.”

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You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy

, , | Right | December 6, 2007

Customer: “I need a door.”

Me: “What kind of door?”

Customer: “You’re the professional!”

Me: “…”

Me: “Where are you going while passing through this door, and where are you leaving?”

Customer: “Garage from the kitchen.”

Me: “Great, and what size is the door that’s there now?”

Customer: “They make them in different sizes?”


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Why Mom Isn’t Part Of The Admissions Criteria

, , | Right | December 6, 2007

(Working in a psychology department main office.)

Caller: “Do you have the courses for a psychology graduate degree posted on your website?”

Me: “Let me check… yes, they are posted on our website.”

Caller: “But I can’t find them!”

(I spend a couple of minutes navigating her through our website. Once we’re at the right page…)

Me: “Is that all?”

Caller: “Well she’s a sophomore, so is this what she needs?”

Me: “No, if she’s an undergraduate she’ll need something else.”

(I navigate her to our undergraduate listings.)

Caller: “BUT, these are all PSYCHOLOGY classes!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s what you asked for….”

Caller: “No, I wanted the English requirements!”

Me: “For an English degree?”

Caller: “No the English requirements for a psychology degree!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you want the Gen Ed requirements for all bachelor’s degrees?”

Caller: “YES! That’s what I want!”

(This call continues for many more minutes in which I explain that she should already have a huge packet on that from when her daughter started college. When she insists that they never got that, I actually navigate her over to the admission website, talk her through downloading the packet (a 600-page PDF), and have to explain not only what page to turn to, but where to look on the page. For her daughter’s sake, let’s hope it’s not hereditary.)


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A Pyrhhic Victory

, | Right | November 30, 2007

(Earlier in the day this guy called to make a reservation, even though we were totally booked. The manager decided to take it anyway. When he got to the restaurant, he proceeded to pick his own table though I had no idea he had.)

Me: “Okay, sir, just follow me and I can bring you to your table.”

Customer: “But I’ve been waiting for this one.”

Me: “Well, sir, that table is still occupied however I do have an available table for you.”

Customer: “NO! I don’t want that table. I’ve been waiting for this table for twenty minutes now! Why should I go sit at that table when I’ve been waiting for this one!”

Me: “Okay. But just so you know. It’s going to be another twenty minutes before they pay and get up, if they decide to get up after paying. Even then you’d still have to wait for a busser to clear it and another one to reset it and right now they are backed up.”

Customer: “I just don’t understand why I can’t have this table.”

Me: *annoyed* “And I don’t understand why you won’t sit at an open table that we have waiting for you where you can sit down and start enjoying your meal now instead of waiting another 30 minutes for THAT table to be ready for you.”

Customer: “Attitude? Are you giving me attitude? I don’t think so buddy!”

Me: “Weelll…”

(At this point the other hostesses gave me a death look to shut up so I gave up. The customers at the table he was waiting for actually did decide to camp out for another hour. By that time we sat the table we were to give him. He ended up waiting an extra hour and a half to be seated.)

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BA BA BEE DA DUM DUM BAAA!

, , , | Right | November 27, 2007

Customer: “Yeah, my son really likes this one band that has a really popular song out right now.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know the name of their album, their band name, or the name of the song but the tune is like this: ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa.'”

Me: “…”

Customer: *not very happy with me* “Do you have any clue what I’m talking about?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t really look up ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa’ in our computer.”

Customer: “Don’t be a smart a** with me, missy.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, I’m not trying to be a smart a**, I’m just saying there isn’t really any way I can help you unless you have some information I can look up.”

Customer: *yelling* “NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I EVER BEEN TREATED SO DISRESPECTFULLY AT SOME BULLS*** BOOK STORE! EVERY TIME I COME HERE YOU AND YOUR CO-WORKERS ACT AS IF IT’S SUCH A CHORE TO HELP CUSTOMERS!”

Me: *trying really hard not to laugh* “Would you like me to call my manager?”

Customer: “YES!”

(I page my manager. We have several, but I luck out and get the good one)

Rad manager: *irritated because she was busy* “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes, the…”

Rad manager: “No, I wasn’t talking to you.”

Customer: “Well!”

Me: “She wants me to look up a song using only the tune.”

Rad manager: *laughs*

Customer: *again, yelling* “IS IT SO HARD TO ASK FOR A LITTLE HELP OR DO YOU NOT OFFER THAT FOR FREE? ALL I NEED FROM YOU IS THE BAND NAME THAT SINGS THAT ONE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS, ‘BA BA BEE DA DUM DUM BAAA’! IT ISN’T THAT HARD TO FIGURE IT OUT!”

Me: “So go home and figure it out and give us a call.”

Customer: “I will never shop here again! I’m taking my business to [Competitor]!”

Rad manager and Me: “Okay. Bye.”

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