Talk About Creepy

, , , | Right | June 26, 2008

(It’s 3:30 am, and a hotel guest wanders into the back office that is clearly marked for staff only…)

Guest: “My phone isn’t working. I need to call someone… it’s really important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You can’t be back here. Please go back into the lobby and I will reset your phone line.”

Guest: *points at a chair* “Can’t I sit here?”

Me: “No. Go back out into the lobby, right now.”

Guest: *sits down* “I came here with a girl and she left me. Now I need to call for another girl.”

Me: “I’m sorry, really, but you can’t sit here. You can’t be back here. Please, go back into the lobby.”

Guest: *gets up* “Sorry. I’m upset.”

Me: “Give me a minute and I’ll reset your phone line and then call your room to see if it goes through.”

(I reset his phone and call his room. He leaves, only to come back five minutes later.)

Guest: “It still isn’t working. I’m really unhappy. Do you know where I can get a prostitute?”

Me: “I’m sure if you walk outside on the street and go to the corner you can find one, but you can’t bring her back here.”

Guest: “That isn’t safe.”

Me: “I’m sorry… I can’t help you, sir.”

Guest: “Are you a prostitute?”

Me: “No!”

Guest: “I’ll pay you $160.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not a prostitute, and I’m going to call security.”

Guest: “No, you won’t. You’re a prostitute. How about $280? How much do men normally pay?”

Me: “Do I look like a prostitute? I’m a receptionist. I do paperwork and check people in. I don’t sleep with them.”

Guest: “All of the girls that I know who are receptionists at night are prostitutes.”

Me: “Well, I’m not. Can you please go back to your room?!”

Guest: “I’m from Miami.”

Me: “Good. Can you please go back to your room?”

Guest: “Fine. Tomorrow I’m going to complain about the service here!”

Me: “… because I won’t sleep with you for money?”

Guest: “Will you just come sleep with me? I just need thirty minutes.”

Me: “No.”

Guest: “I’m talking to the manager tomorrow.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir. Good luck…”

(He finally leaves, and I make a note of this encounter. I discover the next day that he was refunded $20 due to my poor service. I have no idea what he told the receptionist when he checked out, but she clearly didn’t read my note!)

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Back In My Day, We Walked Barefoot, Backwards And Buck Naked

, , , , | Right | June 26, 2008

(Keep in mind that our bookstore only sells books, CDs, and DVDs: no electronics, no rentals, or software.)

Coworker: “Good morning, what can I help you find?”

Old Customer: “I need a keyboard for that computer thing.”

Coworker: “We don’t sell keyboards, I’m sorry. Have you tried [Store] across the parking lot?”

Old Customer: “But I don’t want to go over there! I want to buy it here!”

Coworker: “Sorry, I don’t have any to sell you. We don’t carry computer parts.”

(The customer proceeds to get worked up into a fine fury, face blotched red and pulled up to her full height.)

Old Customer: “Well, I never! In my day, you could walk into any store, anywhere, and by God if they wanted your business they would FIND it for you!” *storms out*

Eavesdropping Manager: “Well, in her day, everything was a general store!”

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She Saw Seashells And Social Strata

, , , , | Right | June 25, 2008

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Store], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have any floating candles?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we have a Fourth of July set of red, white and blue star-shaped floating candles, and we also carry a set shaped like seashells.”

Customer: “Yeah, I saw those. The seashells are too ghetto. Do you have any plain white ones?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid the seashells and the stars are all we have. They’re too… ghetto, did you say?”

Customer: “Yeah, this is for an outdoor party, you know? Thanks anyway.”


This story is part of our July 4th roundup!

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It’s For A Really Long Game Of Musical Chairs

, , | Right | June 23, 2008

Man: “Hey! You guys are giving away 100 free tickets to the Friday show, right?”

Me: “Yep! We have 24 left, and each customer can take up to four. How many do you need?”

Man: “Awesome! Can I have the rest?”

Me: “Sorry, sir. The limit is four per customer.”

Man: “But they’re free… What do you care?”

Me: “I care that the line of people behind you get some as well. Would you like four tickets?”

Man: “Give me the rest! You don’t understand; I NEED them!”

Me: “Sir, the limit is four. I’m sorry.”

Man: “I want the rest! You have to give them to me! I’m a paying customer and I deserve it!”

Me: “The tickets are free, sir… and you can have four of them. Would you like four FREE tickets?”

Man: “I need the rest of them! Everyone in my party needs to have one!”

Me: “Well, I can offer you four tickets for free and a discount if you wish to buy more. How many people are in your party?”

Man: “It’s just me and my wife.”

Me: “…”

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Never Piss Off A Man With A Meat Cleaver

, , , , , | Right | June 23, 2008

(It is 5:45 pm on Christmas Eve, and the grocery store I work at closes at 6:00 pm.)

Customer: “Why don’t you have any big frozen turkeys? I need a 20-pound frozen turkey!”

Me: “Sir, we only have what’s left in the counter.”

Customer: “Go look in the back! I know you have some hiding back there.”

Me: “Um, sir, I put all the turkeys out already. What’s out is all we have.”

Customer: “LISTEN! I NEED A G**D*** 20-POUND TURKEY! GET IN THE BACK AND FIND ME ONE!”

Me: “There are no more turkeys in the back.”

Customer: “I’ll just go look myself!”

(The customer proceeds to march through the “Staff Only” doors and is met by one of the butchers who stands 6′ 5″.)

Customer: “GET ME A G**D*** TURKEY!”

Big Butcher: “GET THE H*** OUT OF MY STORE!”


This story is part of the Christmas Eve roundup!

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