Liar Liar Pants On Fire

, , | Right | September 6, 2008

Me: “Hello, *** Customer Support, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have a problem with my bill.”

Me: “Let’s have a look at it, can you give me your customer number please?”

Customer: “Sure, it’s…”

(While he gives me the number, the fire alarm goes off.)

Customer: “What is this noise?”

Me: “It’s the fire alarm, Sir. I’m afraid I have to call you back later.”

Customer: “Oh, I see. Well, can we go through my bill now?”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I can’t do this right now. The fire alarm is on and that means I have to leave the building.”

Customer: “Yeah, sure. So, my bill–”

Me: “Sir, I will gladly check your bill once the alarm is out and the building is safe, but now, I really need to hang up and go outside.”

Customer: “But my bill…”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid my pants are on fire, so I’d appreciate it if you could agree that I’ll call you back later.”

Customer: “Oh! Okay then, call me in an hour and I hope your pants are fine.”

Me: “Thanks. Bye.”

(My pants of course were not on fire, but I don’t think anything else would have shut him up.)

 

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I’ll Have The Bacteria, Lettuce And Tomato

, , | Right | September 4, 2008

(I work in the deli of a very small grocery store. My co-worker has just walked out of the deli, leaving me in the back alone.)

Cashier: “Deli, you have a customer!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t see you there. I was just washing my hands. Can I get you something?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here for TEN MINUTES.”

(I know for a fact that he couldn’t have been there for more than a minute, because my coworker had just walked out.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Like I said, I didn’t know you were out here. I was in the back, washing my hands, and I can’t see you back there.”

Customer: “Well, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN OUT HERE. What were you doing in the back? Your job is to wait on customers!”

Me: “I WAS WASHING MY HANDS.”

Customer: “I don’t see why you should have to do that.”

Me: “Me neither, sir.”

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Gastrointestinalcentrism

, | Right | August 29, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant] Mexican Grill, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, do you have mashed potatoes?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This is a Mexican restaurant.”

Caller: “Oh. Do you have lasagna?”

Me: “No, ma’am… this is a MEXICAN restaurant.”

(The customer finally orders some tacos.)

Me: “Anything else, ma’am?”

Caller: “Do you have spaghetti?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t have spaghetti.”

Caller: “WHAT KIND OF A RESTAURANT IS THIS?” *click*

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Dads: Gotta Love ‘Em

, , | Right | August 25, 2008

(My father owns an auto shop where I sometimes work part time. Late one afternoon, a woman comes in.)

Me: “May I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I need my car inspected.”

Me: “Well, we’re not taking any more inspections this afternoon. May I schedule you for tomorrow?”

Customer: “No, I want my car inspected now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we take in our last inspection at 4:00 so we have time to pack up and shut down the machine.”

Customer: “Yes, but I just bought my car from [Dealer] and they told me I could bring my car here to get inspected for free.”

Me: “Yes, they will pay for your inspection here, but we’re closing soon. I’d be happy to schedule you an appointment for another day.”

Customer: “No! This is an outrage! At [Dealer] they told me I could bring in my car ANY TIME to be inspected here!”

Me: “Um… well…”

Customer: “I want my car inspected RIGHT NOW. They told me I could have it inspected any time!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s 4:45 and we are closing in 15 minutes. We don’t have time…”

Customer: “Where is your manager!? I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Um… I’m afraid he’s out test driving a car.”

Customer: “That’s unacceptable! Is there anyone else I can talk to? I need to get my car inspected!”

Me: “Hold on…”

(I go out into the shop and check, but sure enough the only other person still here this late is the trainee mechanic. The woman proceeds to yell at us for about ten minutes. Eventually, my dad returns from his test drive.)

Me: “Dad, can you help this woman?”

Dad: “What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I brought my car here from [Dealer] for an inspection but they won’t give one to me!”

(My dad proceeds to tell her everything I told her, smiling through all her abuse. Eventually…)

Customer: “Fine! This is an outrage! I’m going to write a complaint letter to [Dealer] about you!”

Dad: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Me: “My God.”

Dad: “Let me give you a little advice about people like that. When somebody gets all worked up at you like that, you need to remain calm. Because the calmer you are, the angrier they get, and it’s REALLY funny.”


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Probably Wears Diapers

, , | Right | August 25, 2008

Customer: “Excuse me… HEY! Excuse me.”

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I need you to find a battery for my Timex.”

Me: “You are standing next to our entire selection. If it isn’t there, we don’t have it.”

Customer: “How do I know which one it is?”

Me: “Didn’t you bring the watch with you?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Well, sometimes it is stamped on the back cover.”

Customer: “I can’t decipher this. Can you open the watch and check?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t offer that service.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean, we don’t offer that service. I have neither the tools nor the training to work on your watch.”

Customer: “But you sell the batteries!”

Me: “Yes, we do. I’ll gladly help check that you are buying the right one, but I won’t work on your watch.”

Customer: “But you sell the batteries! You HAVE to put it in for me!”

Me: “Sir, I could also sell you toilet paper, but you would still have to do the wiping yourself…”

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