Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”

Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tell me what you are going to use it for?”

Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”

Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”

This story is part of the Christmas Day roundup!

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(We’ve just opened one Sunday when a man comes in and robs us at gunpoint. During the robbery, the robber makes us lock the doors so no customers can come in. After he leaves, we are so upset that we didn’t think to unlock the doors. While we wait for the police to arrive, another man knocks on the door.)

Customer: “Are you open? I’d like to get a coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we’ve just been robbed at gunpoint, so we’re a little freaked out.”

Customer: “Well, did he steal the coffee? I can still get a latte, right?!”

(I am a manager in a department store. I’m returning a call to a customer who has a complaint.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] calling from [Department Store] to follow up with your concern.”

Customer: “Yes, I was in your store yesterday and I had to wait in line forever. I had a coupon that expired at one pm. I got tired of waiting, so I just left.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Would you mind telling me in which area you were trying to pay?”

Customer: “All over. The lines were long everywhere. I’m thinking about cutting up the credit card I have with you all!”

Me: “Well, I do want to thank you for letting me know. We had tried to make sure that someone was scheduled to ring at every register, and it looks like we have some opportunity to improve that.”

Customer: “Oh, every register had someone ringing at it. There were plenty of salespeople.”

Me: “Well… uh… how can I help you then?”

Customer: “There were just too many customers in your store!”

This story is part of the complaining customer roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Times Theme Park Customers Gave Employees Emotional Roller-Coasters!

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Me: “What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I’ll just have my usual.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t know your usual.”

Customer: “They know it on [Other Location].”

Me: “We’re not that location, sir. What would you like?”

Customer: “Just call ’em up and ask. I’ll wait!”

This story is part of the Customers Expecting Mind-Readers roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

15 Hilarious Stories About Customers Demanding The Impossible

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(I am working at the library reference desk. A teen patron approaches.)

Me: “Hi! What can I help you with?”

Customer: *looking away and fiddling with his hair* “Um… do you smoke pot?”

Me: “Uh… no.”

Customer: “See… there’s, like, this test right? And I’m not gonna be able to pass it, so can I like… um… buy your pee?”

Me: “No. That’s not a service we provide here.”

Customer: *slouches off*

This story is part of our Libraries roundup!

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