Customer: “I’m hoping you have a particular red stone that I’m looking for…”

Me: “Oh, garnet?”

Customer: “No..”

Me: “Ruby?”

Customer: “NO! I want red! Those aren’t red!”

Me: “Um… yes, they are.” *shows garnet ring*

Customer: “Oh. Well, it’s a stone that sounds like it should be red.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I think it’s actually blue…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What blue stones do you have that sound red?”

Me: “Um… topaz?”

Customer: “No, it’s not that one.”

Me: “Lapis?”

Customer: “No. Oh! Sapphire! It sounds like it should be red, you know?”

Me: “No… I’ve never thought that.”

Customer: “Well, it should be!”

Me: “…you know, there is a pink sapphire.”

Customer: “Oh. Who would want that?”

Me: “Not to worry, we don’t have any.”

Customer: “Any sapphires?”

Me: “No, any pink sapphires.”

Customer: “Well, that name should belong to a red stone anyway. They should think about these things when they name them. Who would I talk to about that?”

Me: “Adam?”

Customer: “Hi, I have a rather simple question to ask you.”

Me: “Sure thing. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to make someone sleep for a really long time, what would I use?”

Me: “Um, just how long are you talking?”

Customer: “Well, I was thinking somewhere around forever.”

Me: “…”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Country Club]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Member: “Hi, I need to make a reservation for dinner tonight.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but due to it being Christmas Eve, the club is closing at two o’clock today.”

Member: “…”

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Member: “I have never heard of any business closing early on Christmas Eve. It’s not even a holiday, for God’s sake!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am; we did send out several emails containing our holiday hours.”

Member: “I don’t read your f****** emails! Either way, it doesn’t matter. We are coming for dinner tonight, so take the reservation for me.”

Me: “We aren’t open for dinner tonight, so I can’t take your reservation.”

Member: “Well, you better take the reservation, because all of my family is coming in from out of town and I told them that we would be eating at the club! We need a reservation for 15 people at seven o’clock tonight.”

Me: “I think we must be misunderstanding each other. There won’t be anyone here at seven o’clock.”

Member: “I pay my dues like everyone else, and I expect you to be open at seven to serve us! Make the reservation!”

Me: “Okay…”

Member: “Do it now!”

Me: “…”

Member: “I pay my dues!”

Me: “Okay, I have to go now.”

Member: “And we want a private room!”

Me: “Good luck with that…”

(To this day, we wonder if they showed up for dinner.)

This story is part of the Christmas Eve roundup!

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(My dad used to work part-time at a tool and garden supply store; this happens around the holidays.)

Dad: “Hello, sir, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need an extension cord, but I need one with prongs on both ends.”

Dad: “We don’t sell them. It’s very dangerous to have copper exposed at both ends.”

Customer: “Well, I need one. Can’t you make me one?”

Dad: “No, I can’t, sir. It would be extremely dangerous and unethical for me to make that for you. What do you need this for? Maybe I can help you find something else.”

Customer: “I NEED AN EXTENSION WITH PRONGS ON BOTH ENDS!”

(Dad suddenly figures out why the guy needs a double-pronged extension cord.)

Dad: “Let me guess, you put the Christmas lights up backward?”

Customer: “Yeah…” *stomps off*

This story is part of the Christmas Day roundup!

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(A customer comes in looking for an item to prop up books and papers, making them easier to read without having to use your hands.)

Me: “You’re looking for a copy holder. We have several different types, and they’re right over here.”

Customer: *looks over selection* “These won’t work. I need one that will attach to my steering wheel in my car.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t carry anything like that. These are just meant to go on your desk next to your computer.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you don’t carry that. Why don’t you sell a book holder for a steering wheel?”

Me: “Maybe because we don’t want you to read while you’re driving?”