(The phone rings and I answer it.)

Customer: “Hello, I bought a few things from your store and thought the total was wrong. When I got home, I checked, and I found that I was charged for a pair of shoes that I never purchased.”

Me: “Um, well, that’s unfortunate. I guess if you come right back, we can–“

Customer: “No, no. I’m already home. I’m not coming back tonight. I just need you to take a note so your manager can refund me when I’m able to come back in a couple of days.”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s not going to happen.”

Customer: “What do you mean?! I have my receipt!”

Me: “Which proves you paid for the shoes. It doesn’t prove that you never got a pair of shoes to begin with. If you come back tonight, before we close, my manager may be able to help you.”

Customer: “No, no, no! I’m already in [Nearby Town, fairly close]. I’m not coming back in tonight. It’s just not going to happen. I just need you to tell your manager that they have to refund me for the shoes I paid for but never got. I’ll come back in two weeks, when I pass through your town again, and get my cash back then.”

(I am a basic employee. My managers are awesome, but there’s no way on earth that I’m going to give a manager an order, much less expect it to be obeyed.)

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t give refunds in cash, ever. Our store plainly states that we don’t give refunds.”

Customer: “But I was charged for something I never purchased!”

Me: “And you’re refusing to come back immediately to fix it. Obviously, the refund isn’t that important to you if you’re not coming back for two weeks. I’ll tell you what; I’ll leave a note for my manager, and you can ask her if she’s willing, but I can’t make any guarantees.”

Customer: “No worries! I’ll bring my receipt as proof! They’ll have to give me the money back if I show them my receipt.”

(I take the customer’s name, reiterate that it’s highly unlikely that she’ll get a refund, and hang up. I tell my manager and she gives me a dubious look.)

Manager: “Yeah, I’m going to thank her for the donation and send her on her way. I’m not giving her money two weeks after the fact when she left the property and can’t prove that she never got the shoes.”

(My husband and I go to a large chain hardware store to look for gardening supplies. The associates at this store have bright orange aprons with the company’s name on the front. I am wearing shorts, flip-flops, and a black T-shirt featuring a certain smart mouth antihero. We are in the outdoor gardening section when my husband leaves to use the restroom. A moment later, a woman comes through the doors. We nod to one another and she goes on shopping. I begin wandering around, looking at different plants, when the same woman comes up beside me. Again, I nod at her and smile before going back to my browsing. Then, I hear her huff. I assume I am in her way so I step to the side.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry.”

Woman: “Are you done?”

Me: “No?”

Woman: “I need that ceramic pot.” *points to a large pot on the top shelf*

Me: “Um, I don’t know if they have a ladder or you need someone else to go up there or… I… I… really don’t know.”

Woman: “Of course, you need a ladder!” *points to a ladder at the end of the aisle*

Me: “Okay, then.”

(I turn to walk away when she grabs my arm and spins me back around.)

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Woman: “Are you going to get that for me?”

Me: “Um… no.”

Woman: “What do you mean, no?”

Me: “I mean, no, I’m not climbing up there to get a pot for you.”

Woman: “Yes, you are!”

Me: “Look, lady, I don’t know who you think you are but—”

Woman: “I’m a paying customer!”

Me: “So am I!”

(The woman finally actually looks at me and realizes I am not an employee. She marches off to find a real employee and I go to find my husband. I give him a short version of what happened — “This lady just got mad because she thought I work here!” — and we go on shopping. On our way out of the store, I see the woman in the parking lot just a few parking spots over, loading her ceramic pot into the back of her car. Upon seeing me, she points triumphantly to her pot, and then gives me two middle fingers and yells out:)

Woman: “Smarta** b****!”

(I return the gesture and yell back:)

Me: “Better than being a dumba** b****!”

Husband: *confused* “What… what do you do when I’m gone?”

(I work at a movie theater during college. It is a great job: all the popcorn I can eat, free movies for my wife and me, great coworkers, and generally happy people as customers. But there is one regular customer who is always angry about something and complains constantly. She ALWAYS complains about the food prices, insists that we have food deals that don’t exist, and complains about too little butter on her popcorn or too much ice in her soda. She has also registered multiple loyalty cards with different birth months to scam free birthday tickets, as if we don’t recognize that she’s the same lady who comes to the movies every week and just had a free “birthday” movie a few weeks ago. Anyway, this event happens on a very busy Friday night when a popular movie opens and I am selling tickets at the box office.)

Me: *recognizing Angry Lady and bracing myself for the interaction* “Hi, welcome to [Movie Theater Chain].”

Angry Lady: “One for [Popular Movie] at [about 7:00 pm, the most popular time of day to see a movie].”

(She has completely ignored the large sign directly in front of my register and two feet from her face announcing that the show she wants is sold out.)

Me: *using my politest customer service voice while relishing that I can finally get back at her a little bit for the multiple times she has yelled at me for ridiculous reasons* “I’m sorry, that show is sold out.”

Angry Lady: “What?! But I want to see it!”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you; it sold out more than half an hour ago.”

Angry Lady: “That’s ridiculous! I want to go to [Popular Movie]!”

Me: “Again, that show is sold out. Would you like to go to the 9:30 pm show?”

Angry Lady: “No, that’s too late! I want to go to the one right now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, there are literally no seats left in the theater; it is full.”

Angry Lady: “I don’t care. I come here every week and I want to go to the show right now!

(I finally let her have it, as the line behind her was already 20 people deep and has been building the whole time she’s been yelling at me while my coworker on the till next to me is working as fast as she can.)

Me: “Ma’am, you showed up to one of the biggest movies of the summer, on opening night, five minutes before the movie started. Of course, it’s sold out! Come back for the later show or sometime tomorrow; the show right now is sold out!”

Angry Lady: *jaw dropping and sputtering* “I can’t believe this. I want to talk to your manager!”

Me: *pointing toward the concession stand where my stressed-out manager is helping fill food and drink orders for the backed- up lines* “He’s right over there, wearing the suit jacket. Please go tell him you’re angry that I won’t sell you a ticket to a sold-out theater!”

(Someone in the line actually applauded, which started a wave of applause and laughing from the whole line. The angry lady somehow managed to look even more angry and turned around to glare at the people laughing at her in line, which just made them laugh harder and clap some more. She stalked over to the concession stand to yell at the manager, but, having heard the exchange, he made her wait ten minutes until the concession lines died down before he talked to her. My manager had been working at this theater for many years, and had been dealing with this regular for most of that time, first as a floor worker and then as a manager. He told her the same thing I had about the sold-out show and refused to give in to her demand for a free ticket to a different showing. When she complained about how rudely I had spoken to her, he promised to speak with me about it, which consisted of him coming over to high-five me and trying not to laugh while saying, “C’mon, man, please try to be a little nicer to customers.”)

(I am on a cruise, at the bar buying a drink. I’m not a big drinker and want to pace myself.)

Me: “Could I have a Mojito, but could you only use half a nip of rum, please?”

Bartender: “Sorry, what did you say?”

Me: “A Mojito with half a nip of rum.”

Bartender: “I don’t understand ‘half a nip.’”

Me: “A nip is 30 ml, half is 15 ml.”

Bartender: “I know that, but what do you mean?”

Me: “I mean I want half the amount of rum that usually goes into Mojito.”

Bartender: “Oh, my God, sorry. I’m just so used to people asking for more alcohol; you’re the first to ask for less.”

(I work for a major cell phone provider in the US as a customer service agent in a call center. Throughout my time working for this company I have had some major crazies call in and demand things for the craziest reasons. This one is my favorite.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. This is [My Name]. Can I have your name, please?”

Customer: “It’s [Customer] and I have been on hold for over an hour!”

(Today is actually a rather slow day, and I have had some time between calls, so the guy is clearly full of it.)

Me: “I am sorry about that, sir. We can’t predict the amount of call volume that we are going to have.”

Customer: “I don’t care; I demand compensation for the time I wasted on hold!”

Me: “Sir, that is not a valid reason to credit an account, but at the end of the call, I will see what I can do for you. What is the reason for your call today?”

Customer: “TO GET MY CREDIT!”

Me: “Were you supposed to get a credit from a rep and it never showed up?”

Customer: “NO! ARE YOU DEAF? I WANT MY CREDIT FOR WAITING ON HOLD!”

Me: “Wait. You are saying you called in and waited on hold to get credit… for waiting on hold?

Customer: YES!”

Me: *face-desk*