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Up His Own Perineum

, , | Right | December 16, 2009

Me: “Hello, sir, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for some perennials that don’t need maintenance on it.”

Me: “Well, we have a few that need very low attention, but–”

Customer: “–and I don’t want to water them! I don’t have time for that!”

Me: “Every plant needs water, sir, even cacti, but we–”

Customer: “And they’re gonna be by the pool, so they need to be waterproof, too!”

Me: “Waterproof?”

Customer: “Yeah, so the chlorine won’t affect them and they will not die!”

Me: “So you want some flowers that don’t need maintenance, don’t need water, and that chlorine won’t kill?”

Customer: “Yep, that’s it!”

Me: “Plastic flowers gonna work?”

Customer: “Do you think I am stupid! Get me your manager!”

(I call my manager, and the customer explains everything he wants to them.)

Manager: “Plastic flowers?”

Customer: “You guys don’t know anything about gardening!”


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Barely Scratched The Surface

, , , , , | Right | December 16, 2009

Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”

Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tell me what you are going to use it for?”

Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”

Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”


This story is part of the Christmas Day roundup!

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Smooth Whipped Criminal

, , , | Right | December 15, 2009

(We’ve just opened one Sunday when a man comes in and robs us at gunpoint. During the robbery, the robber makes us lock the doors so no customers can come in. After he leaves, we are so upset that we didn’t think to unlock the doors. While we wait for the police to arrive, another man knocks on the door.)

Customer: “Are you open? I’d like to get a coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we’ve just been robbed at gunpoint, so we’re a little freaked out.”

Customer: “Well, did he steal the coffee? I can still get a latte, right?!”

There Can Be Only One

, , | Right | December 14, 2009

(I am a manager in a department store. I’m returning a call to a customer who has a complaint.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] calling from [Department Store] to follow up with your concern.”

Customer: “Yes, I was in your store yesterday and I had to wait in line forever. I had a coupon that expired at one pm. I got tired of waiting, so I just left.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Would you mind telling me in which area you were trying to pay?”

Customer: “All over. The lines were long everywhere. I’m thinking about cutting up the credit card I have with you all!”

Me: “Well, I do want to thank you for letting me know. We had tried to make sure that someone was scheduled to ring at every register, and it looks like we have some opportunity to improve that.”

Customer: “Oh, every register had someone ringing at it. There were plenty of salespeople.”

Me: “Well… uh… how can I help you then?”

Customer: “There were just too many customers in your store!”


This story is part of the complaining customer roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Times Theme Park Customers Gave Employees Emotional Roller-Coasters!

 

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Read the complaining customer roundup!

An Un-Usual Request

, , | Right | December 14, 2009

Me: “What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I’ll just have my usual.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t know your usual.”

Customer: “They know it on [Other Location].”

Me: “We’re not that location, sir. What would you like?”

Customer: “Just call ’em up and ask. I’ll wait!”


This story is part of the Customers Expecting Mind-Readers roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

15 Hilarious Stories About Customers Demanding The Impossible

 

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