Not An Inch More Room To Self-Destruct

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2020

I am a closer at a sandwich shop. The store has been closed for half an hour. We were super busy and, in my haste to close up, I forgot to lock the door when I turned off the open sign. Suddenly, I hear the bell chime on the door so I go to the front and see a gentleman standing there.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We closed half an hour ago.”

Customer: “I want something to eat.”

Me: “Sir, I am afraid I can’t make anything for you. All of our food is put away and the register is closed.”

Customer: “Well, this is ridiculous! I’m hungry!”

Me: “I’m sorry. [Other Restaurant] is open 24 hours. You could try there.”

Customer: “That’s not healthy!”

Me: “Well… I’m afraid I don’t know what else to tell you.”

The man gets a very angry look on his face and he turns his back to me. After hours, we’re allowed to listen to whatever music we want on our personal devices. I’m a bit of a Broadway junkie, so I was listening to a musical radio station. Suddenly, this song comes on my phone, very loudly.

Phone: “There’s a moment you know you’re f*****!”

The customer stormed out of the building and I ran out to the lobby, locking the door and laughing hysterically.

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Unfiltered Story #192461

, , , | Unfiltered | April 25, 2020

So I used to work at this adult toy/lingerie shop on a street that had a lot of bars and clubs. Saturday nights were usually crazy, because by 9:30 no one who came into the store was sober.

So a lot of the adult shops in the city sell things called “poppers.” For those who don’t know, these are little bottles of chemicals used for cleaning. Think similar to nail polish remover, only stronger. It has nicknames, like “video head cleaner” or “Rush” (name of a brand.) People usually huff the fumes to get a really fast high, and usually during or right before sex to supposedly enhance the experience (Note: poppers don’t actually enhance sex, people just think they do. People will do a lot of bullshit to their brains and bodies in the persuit of sexual enhancement. Working in adult shops has taught me this one very, very true thing. When it comes to enhancing sex *or the illusion of it* no one thinks about what they are actually doing to/putting in their bodies.)

Problem with this is it’s essentially huffing chemicals, and yes it is harmful to the brain. A lot of customers didn’t believe me, but poppers are, in fact, illegal in the state of Illinois for the exact reason that they have been proven to damage/kill brain cells (most of the people who didn’t believe me or were surprised when I told them poppers damage the brain had been using them for a while…) If you walk into a shop and ask for “poppers,” technically, the employee is not allowed to sell them (if they are actually stocked in that store.) But if someone asks for it by one of these nicknames, they sell it. This is the legal loophole used to avoid getting in trouble with the law.

Anyway, because of their illegality, and because of the potential for brain damage, we didn’t carry them. Our store owner was really big on the health and safety of the customers (even if the customers didn’t give two shits about it.)

So one busy Saturday night, quite possibly the most DRUNKEN customer I’ve ever had stumbles through our door, and fairly shouts at me:


Me: We don’t carry those.

Customer: OH…I’m sorry *air quotations with fingers* I mean “video head cleaner.”

Me: You can call them whatever you like, we don’t carry them.

Customer: *looks around* So…just…dildos?

Me: Dildos, vibrators, lingerie, lube.


Me: *sigh* Water-based or silicone-based?

Customer: Silicone!

Me: *picks up best silicone product we have* Well this is Uberlube. It’s our no. 1 selling silicone lube, and it’s the highest quality on the market.

Customer: I’ll take it!

Me: *goes to the counter begins scanning item*

Customer: So…how’s it work?

Me:…it’s lube. You put it on your bits for lubrication for sex.

Customer:….but…how does it affect…the nostrils?

At this point it became clear to me that this man, either because he’s drunk or stupid…or both, thinks that “lube” is another term for poppers (it’s not.)

Me:…it doesn’t. It’s lube. …In fact this kind is odorless.

Customer: …I love that you’re saying all this with such a straight face!

Me: Well I’m being completely serious. This is lube sir.

Customer: Okay…*winks* how does your store survive without selling poppers?

Me: We do just fine.

Customer: Okay…okay…

So he pays for the lube and stumbles his way back out. I don’t think there would have been any way I could have convinced him that what he bought wasn’t a popper. I’m sure he woke up the next day, with a massive hangover, a stuffy nose and a new bottle of high-end lube.

Those Kinds Of Charges Feel Like Battery

, , , , , , | Working | April 24, 2020

(I need to get a new battery for my phone. I look online on several sites and they all list the price as $40. Not wanting to wait for a battery to ship, I decide to go to a cell phone store at my local mall.)

Me: “Hi, I need a battery for this phone. Would you happen to have any in stock?”

Clerk: *looks at phone* “Yes, we carry this one. Let me get one for you.”

Me: “Great! How much is it?”

Clerk: *checks register* “It’s $60. Plus tax.”

Me: “Whoa, wait! This battery is $40 on virtually any website that sells them. Why is it so expensive here?”

Clerk: “Well, we also have to install it for you.”

Me: *indignant* “I can install it myself, thank you.”

Clerk: “No, we have to install it for you or else we can’t sell it to you.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight: you’re charging me $40 for the battery and $20 to install it, something I can do myself in ten seconds flat?”

Clerk: “Yep.”

Me: “No.”

(I turned right around and walked out and bought my battery online. It lasted the remaining lifetime of the phone. The mall shop in question, however, did not last a year.)

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Unfiltered Story #192296

, , , | Unfiltered | April 22, 2020

(My mom, my twin brother, and I are doing some quick grocery shopping. My mother sends my brother and I over to grab some things that she forgot near the salad bar. My brother and I are talking about a social media page that broadcasts people’s random acts of kindness when we witness to this interaction between an employee and an old lady.)

Employee #1: Hello, ma’am, what can I do for you?

Old Lady: Can you call *Number* and ask my daughter if she is coming to pick me up?

Employee #1: Of course. You can call her at customer service.

Old Lady: Thank you!

(She heads to the front of the store. The employees begin to serve the next customer in line. About three minutes later the old lady is back, looking flustered.)

Old Lady: Excuse me! Excuse me!

Employee #1: Yes, ma’am?

Old Lady: My daughter isn’t coming! I –

Employee #1: *takes off apron and heads out of salad bar*: I’ll take you home, ma’am. My car is in the back.

Old Lady: *clearly relived*: Oh, thank you!

(She follows the employee, presumably to the parking lot.)

Twin Brother: Wow, (My Name), that’s something you don’t see every day!

Me *still a little surprised*: Yeah. That guy should get put on (social media page we were discussing earlier).

Employee #2: (Social media page I just mentioned)? He helped found that!

Twin Brother: *gives me a surprised look*

Me: I know. Crazy, right?

(That evening we check the page and find that the employee has posted a selfie with the old lady.)

Unfiltered Story #192220

, , | Unfiltered | April 18, 2020

(It’s my second day on the job. I’m working the fitting room during an impromptu eight-hour shift. It’s extremely busy, and we’re incredibly understaffed. It’s worth noting that all our clothes are displayed on hangers.)

Customer: *Finishes trying on clothes* “Here.” *Hands me wadded ball of clothing.*