Sheriff Of Nothing-ham

, , , , | Legal | October 20, 2019

(My grandma, like many senior citizens — and others — gets lots of spam phone calls. She’s fairly sharp and skeptical of just about everyone, so she’s found a great way to make scammers hang up immediately. She also is retired and has plenty of time on her hands. She doesn’t often answer unknown numbers, but occasionally, she’s in a good mood.)

Robot: “Your social security number has been suspended. Press one to speak to a representative.”

(My grandma presses one.)

Scammer: *goes into a spiel about what’s supposedly going on with her social security number*

Grandma: *in an excellent, very dramatic, “worried elderly woman” voice* “Oh, no! That sounds terrible!”

Scammer: “Yes, but fortunately, we can help–”

Grandma: “Now, hold on. Let me grab my husband; he’s the county sheriff.”

Scammer: *click*

(My grandma is divorced and lives on her own in a retirement community. Joke’s on them!)

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Hi, My Name Is SkyNet; How Can I Help You Today?

, , , | Right | October 14, 2019

Me: “Good afternoon. This is [My Name]; how may help you?”

Caller: “Are you a robot?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Are you a robot or a human?”

Me: “I’m a human, sir.”

Caller: “Are you sure? Because I’ve been talking to robots all day and I want to speak to a human.”

(I start laughing.)

Me: “I assure you, sir, I’m a human. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, you must be human. You laughed; robots don’t laugh.”

Me: “Unless I’m an AI.”

Caller: “Nah, that would be creepy.”

(The rest of the call went on normally and he thanked me for helping him at the end and for not being a robot.)

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I Would Drive 500 Miles To See The Look On His Face

, , , , | Right | October 9, 2019

(I work at an auto dealership. A customer comes in to buy out their existing lease. I have to get the exact VIN and miles off the car so I can submit the proper paperwork to the state.)

Me: “May I please see your keys so I can get the miles?”

Customer: *shoves a crumpled piece of paper that has VIN and miles scribbled on it* “Here you go.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I have to get the info from the car.”

Customer: “You calling me a liar?”

Me: “No, sir, this is the process to buy out your lease. We need an odometer statement with exact miles.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Can’t you just put this info in?”

Me: “No, sir, it’s my name on the bill of sale. I wouldn’t want to send the wrong info to the state so you have a title issue later on. Would you?”

(He reluctantly follows me to his car and unlocks it, still grasping his key like it’s made of gold or something.)

Customer: “It’s unlocked; go ahead.”

Me: “Again, I need your key so I can physically look and write down the miles.”

Customer: “You don’t need s***.”

Me: “Fair enough. You won’t get a bill of sale or the title.”

(The customer’s wife is getting irritated because they drove an hour to do this. I can see that he does this crap often. The customer finally gives me the keys.)

Me: “Wow, looks like you were 500 miles off. No biggie, I’ll make sure to put the correct info on the statement.”

Customer: “Did you just call me a liar?”

Me: “No, sir, I merely read what’s off the odometer. Numbers don’t lie. Here is your paperwork. Have a great day!”

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His Diagnosis Is Not Aligned With The Truth

, , , , | Working | October 9, 2019

(My tire light keeps going off and on. I keep taking it in to get checked and no one can figure out what the issue is. I’m a female in my late 20s but I look much younger. The tech that’s been helping me is an older guy, about my dad’s age. I walk into the shop, and my normal tech is cashing someone out.)

Tech #1: “Hello, young lady! Don’t tell me. The tire light went off again.”

Me: “Yep.”

Tech #1: “I think it might be an issue with your sensor. I’m gonna have [Tech #2] check you in, and then I’ll look into it myself when I’m done with this other customer. Okay?”

Me: “Great. Thanks!”

([Tech #2], who is about my age, waves me over.)

Tech #2: “Okay, so you’re [My Name] with the [Make and Model], right?”

Me: “Yep.”

Tech #2: “I was working on it last time, and I gotta tell you… your alignment is way off on that car.”

Me: “Really? I’ve been in here three times in the last month and no one’s said anything about it.”

Tech #2: “Well, it’s important to get your car re-aligned. Otherwise, it’ll drift, and you could cause an accident. I’d be happy to add that on today.”

Me: “How much is it?”

(He names a price that almost hits four figures.)

Me: “No. I can’t afford that. I don’t know what’s actually wrong with my car, and I’m not adding on any other services until I do.”

Tech #2: “But you could cause an accident! You don’t want that, do you?”

Me: “I just want my tires checked. That’s it.”

Tech #2: “Whatever.”

(He checks me in and drives my car onto the rack. I sit in the waiting area and pull out a book. Ten minutes later, [Tech #1] walks back into the store and waves me over.)

Tech #1: “I’ve only checked one tire, but I had to show you this. Been driving through any road work zones lately?”

Me: “They’re doing construction and road work near my office. Why?”

(He produces a very large nail that is the same shade of black as my tire.)

Me: “WHAT?!”

Tech #1: “It was in there at such an angle that you couldn’t tell until you took the tire off the car– which, of course, no one did until today. I’m sorry about that. That’s on us. I’m going to take the other tires off and make sure you don’t have any more.”

(He goes back outside. Twenty minutes later, he comes back in.)

Tech #1: “Well, [My Name], looks like you’ve got nails in two other tires. You’re gonna need a new set. We are having a sale on your brand, so that’ll take the cost down. I really recommend we get those on today.”

Me: “You might as well. Can’t drive a car with three damaged tires. Quick question, though. Is my alignment off?”

Tech #1: “What? No. The rest of your car is great. Why?”

Me: “Someone told me it was off.”

([Tech #1] looks over at [Tech #2] and sighs.)

Tech #1: “Nope. Not your car. Ignore that. I’m gonna get those tires on your car and get you out of here. I’ll throw on another discount, as well.”

(While the tires were still a few hundred dollars, the additional discount helped a lot. I only use that mechanic now. I’ve been there a few other times for oil changes, and I haven’t seen [Tech #2] since.)

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Putting Being Helpful On Hold

, , , , , | Right | October 8, 2019

(While nearly all customer service lines, regardless of the type of company or service, have you click through at least one automated menu or get transferred to different departments to get what you want accomplished, our call center goes directly to a person — no menus — and nine times out of ten, the employee will be able to handle your request without transferring you. This often takes customers by surprise, and most are very happy they talk right away to a person without having to wait in Hold Hell. Most…)

Sullen-Sounding Customer: “Can I please get transferred to your accounts receivable department? This is about an invoice.”

Me: “I can help you out. What’s the invoice number?”

Sullen-Sounding Customer: *audible sigh* “You know, every single time I call you people, everyone who answers the phone tells me they can help me. Isn’t there someone you can transfer me to? Or a menu?”

Me: *taken aback* “I’m so sorry. Have we not been able to help you out?”

Sullen-Sounding Customer: “No, every time I call it gets resolved, but…” *another audible sigh* “Just, whatever, I need to pay this invoice.”

(I mean, I’d be happy to put her on hold for a few minutes if it made her feel better?)

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