A Different Kind Of Cold Caller

, , , , | Related | November 14, 2017

(I run the reception desk of a medical centre. Usually I deal with people insisting they need emergency appointments when they don’t, but occasionally it’s the other way around. On this day I receive a phone call from a elderly man.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

Caller: “I’d like a doctor to come out and see my wife. I can’t wake her up.”

Me: “I think you should call an ambulance.”

Caller: “Oh, no, I don’t want to bother them.”

Me: “No, really, sir. If she won’t wake up, you should phone for an ambulance.”

Caller: “I don’t want to waste their time. I’m just a bit worried because she seems really cold. Couldn’t a doctor come out?”

Me: “How long has she been unresponsive when you try to wake her?”

Caller: “About three days.”

(As it clearly wasn’t an emergency any longer, a doctor did go round and declare the woman deceased. I still can’t believe he didn’t phone an ambulance as soon as she wouldn’t wake up!)

It’s About To Become An Even Bigger Deal

, , , , , , , | Right | November 13, 2017

(I am the manager on duty and have just received a call that we need to evacuate due to a gas leak. I am trying to contact my boss and evacuate the customers when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Hey, I need to ask you something.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’ve actually been asked to evacuate due to a gas leak. It will have to wait.”

Customer: “Look, that’s not important. I need you to answer a question for me.”

Me: “No, sir, we have been ordered to evacuate. This is urgent. You need to leave the premises immediately.”

Customer: *getting irate* “I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal out of this.”

Me: *giving up* “It is a big deal, but what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Which one of these lighters works best?”

Only Listening To Some Random Words

, , , | Right | November 11, 2017

(I work airport security. The metal detectors choose random people for additional screening. On the screen, it will tell us if it’s an actual alarm or random. The alert beep sounds almost identical to the metal alarm one. A lady walks through and the machine chooses her for random screening.)

Me: “Hello, bonjour, miss. You’ve been chosen for additional screening.”

Lady: *not listening* “Oh, I don’t think I have any metal.”

Me: “No, the metal detector chose you for random screening.”

Lady: *still not listening* “I don’t think it’s my shoes; I’ve worn them through before.”

Me: “No, it’s random.”

Lady: *still not listening* “I don’t have anything in my pockets.”

Me: “It’s random selection.”

Lady: “Maybe if I try—” *suddenly stops, clueing in* “Oh! Maybe if I listened; I’d like the scanner, please!”

Best To Just Keep It All Closed Down

, , , , , | Right | November 10, 2017

(I’m telling on myself here. I am having some trouble with [Video Chat Client] and finally have to resort to tech support of the chat variety, through my browser.)

Tech Guy: “Hello! Welcome to [Video Chat Client] technical support! My name is [Tech Guy]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi! I’ve been having some trouble with my group chats; I can’t send or receive messages.”

Tech Guy: “Okay, we’ll have to do some troubleshooting. Is it all right if I remotely connect to your computer to better help you?”

Me: “If it’ll help, sure.”

Tech Guy: “Great! So, just close any personal things and everything on your desktop, and then click the following link.”

(I promptly quit everything on my desktop, including the browser, through which I had been talking to [Tech Guy]. I realized a second later when the chat window suddenly closed what I had done, but it was far too late. I had to get back in line and start all over again with a new tech agent. Obviously, I don’t know how [Tech Guy] reacted, but I like to think his reaction was something along the lines of, “huh?”)

What A Total Pitch

, , , , , | Right | November 10, 2017

(I am the late-night manager and cook at a restaurant which also has a really good “dive” bar. One guy gives his credit card and orders for everyone. I am sitting at the bar and listening to him interacting with my bartender.)

Patron: “Can I have a pitcher of [Beer]?”

Bartender: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have drafts. We only have bottles.”

Patron: “But you do have pitchers, right?”

Bartender: “Yeah.”

Patron: “Can I have a pitcher of [Beer]?”

Bartender: “We don’t have beer on tap.”

Patron: “But you do have pitchers, right?”

Bartender: “But…”

Patron: “Why can’t you give me a pitcher of beer?”

Bartender: *fed up* “Okay, whatever.”

(The bartender proceeds to open bottles of said beer, pour it into a pitcher, and hand it over to the patron.)

Patron: “See, that was easy. You could have done that a long time ago and saved us time.”

(The patron comes back a while later.)

Patron: “Can I have pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea?”

(The bartender gives me a confused, “help me” look.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t serve cocktails by the pitcher.”

Patron: *turning towards bartender* “Can I have a pitcher of Irish whiskey?”

(The bartender proceeded to slam his head on the bar.)

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