(My brother is the manager of a grocery store. Important: they’ve recently switched uniforms from red to blue.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can I get some help?”

Brother: “Yes, is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “I’m looking for [competitor’s brand]. Why don’t you have it?”

Brother: “It’s because only our competitor can sell that.”

Customer: “That is bulls***! I’ve been shopping here for ten years and you’ve always had that!”

Brother: “Ma’am, we’ve only been at this location for four years and we don’t sell our competitor’s brand.”

Customer: “You are completely hopeless! I demand to speak to the manager!”

Brother: “I am the manager, ma’am.”

Customer: “Did you not hear me?! I want to talk to the M-A-N-A-G-E-R!”

Brother: “Fine, just a sec. I’ll go fetch him.”

(My brother walks into the staff area, picks up an old red shirt from a box, puts it on, and walks out.)

Brother: “Hello, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: *calmly* “Finally. I want to know why you don’t have [competitors brand]?”

Brother: “Because only our competitor can sell it.”

Customer: “Oh? I guess I’ll have to go to their store, then. Thanks!”

(A customer paying by check tries to use the stylus from the debit machine to fill out her check.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not a real pen.”

(I reach into my pocket to give her a real one, but she continues “writing” with the stylus.)

Me: “Ma’am? That’s not a real pen.”

(She stops and shakes the stylus to get the ink flowing.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t use that to write with.”

(She continues shaking the stylus and trying to write.)

Me: “That’s not a pen!”

Customer: “Hey, this pen doesn’t work!”

Me: *giving up* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I forgot to put ink in those pens this morning.” hands her the real pen* “Here, use this.”

Customer: “Thanks!”

(A customer comes up with a 40-pound tree teetering on the edge of her flatbed cart.)

Customer: “This tree sure is wobbly!”

Me: “Just be careful with it, ma’am. Don’t let it fall.”

(As I lean down to scan several other smaller plants, the customer lets go of the tree and it hits me on the head.)

Me: “Ouch!”

Customer: “You should improve your attitude. You haven’t smiled once this whole time!”

(I work for a construction company that often works on residential streets. As we are working on one road, a woman steps under the caution tape and proceeds to walk through the construction zone.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you’ll have to go around this area. I could give you an alternate–”

Woman: “NO!”

Me: “Uh, I’m afraid you have to. It’s against the law to go into construction zones.”

Woman: “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M GETTING MY F****** EXERCISE?!”

Me: “…”

(Our station accepts certain gas coupons which require that the gas be pumped first, and then paid for inside the store. I’ve already instructed this customer to select “pay inside” at the pump before returning to me for the discount.)

Customer: “All right, I’ve put $42 in my car.” *gives me the coupons*

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I needed you to select the pay inside option at the pump, and it seems that you have used your credit card outside. My computer system will not authorize this discount.”

Customer: “What?! You told me to pump my gas first!”

Me: “Yes, but you needed to select the pay inside option like I instructed.”

Customer: “So you won’t give me my discount?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there is no way for me to ring it up. These coupons never expire, so you can hang on to it and feel free to use it next time.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! You are a poopy-face, mister! You’re grounded!” *storms out*